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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
make sure you twist that knife.
2011-12-02 @ 5:56 p.m.
i just texted this to my brother, and i might as well just copy and paste it here because it says everything perfectly:
i called her this afternoon with a funny little story, and she decides that she's going to take this opportunity (just like she does every other fucking time i actually answer her calls) to tell me that i'm fucking lazy and i suck and i'm going about finding a job all wrong and i'm going to go fucking bankrupt and on and on and on. i just couldn't take it anymore. i can't be criticized every single day. i just can't take it. maybe if i didn't have such depression. but i don't think normal, mentally stable people can take that much either. so i just burst out, "please stop nagging me about the same things every time we talk! please stop telling me i'm lazy and i'm not doing things right just because i'm not doing them the exact way you would!" and of course she went on to tell me i was making all of that up, to which i replied, because it was absolutely true, "you just said it literally 5 minutes ago!!!" and she went with her old standby, which my dad and my stepdad and my brother and everyone who knows my mom knows she does, "i never said that/i have no idea what you're talking about." i can't even go through the rest of the conversation because i'm just inconsolable, and the more i remember how she fucking talks to me, the more upset i keep getting. i just want to remind you about the last time i was unemployed and frustrated and trying to figure out what i was going to do with my life: i was asleep, spending the weekend at her house, and she burst into my room and proceeded to tell me that the reason i couldn't find a job was because i was fat and unattractive and no one wants to hire fat people because they're obviously going to cost the company a lot of money, and she knew this for a fact because she hires and fires people for a living. this conversation today caught me just as unawares. we all know the fantasy world in which mothers love us and support us and help us when we're down, so i guess that's why i'm just so disappointed, because the reality is so stark and opposite for me that it's like a stake through my heart. it hurts. and when i've told her it hurts, in the past and now, as always, the response is basically, "well stop being a pussy." i was so upset that i yelled, "this is why i'm not having any kids!!" and she made this sound and i knew she was a little bit wounded, but not really, because i've always said that. the funny thing is, she probably hasn't realized that i've always said that because i've always wished she wasn't such a terrible person. |