i was reading around the internet for something totally unrelated, and started reading about the supplement 5-htp for depression. it definitely intrigued me the more i read about it, because serotonin regulates many body functions: sleep, aggression, anxiety, depression, temperature, pain sensation, and satiety.

um, i don't know how long you've been with me here, but all of these things have been a problem for me, forever. i've always had depression, but to what degree i do not know, because i've never gone to a therapist or anything. i would personally consider it moderate to severe, since as far back as 10 years old i've been thinking about suicide. not just thinking about it, but considering it. it waxes and wanes, and most days i'm further away from it, but it's always there on the edge of my mind as a valid option. i am sure that this is not at all normal.

the depression is one thing. then we have my sluggish weight loss despite my now gigantic caloric deficit, constant insomnia, inability to control impulses (snacking, and my now out of control nailbiting), terrible temperature regulation, and wildly painful periods.

i'm not the one to look for a solution in a pill, but i think it's become time for me to admit that it might help me. because i'm in a bad spot right now.

the thing that frustrates me so much about it (the depression) is that i'm not a negative person. i'm not a sad person. i USED to be. but so much about my life situation and my body have changed since then, and i'm such a different person who is SO HAPPY when i'm not sad. it's just contradictory and confusing to my brain. when it hits me, i'm always so surprised and taken aback because i feel like, "why? why now?"

i don't know. i'm going to try this stuff. i'm going to see my gyno next week and i'm going to ask him if he thinks it's the right way to go. it's good that i'll have a full, solid week of taking it before i go, so i can tell him any side effects or anything that may be occurring. i'm really having a hard time living like this. every day that i wake up, i have no idea if it's going to be a "fucking kick ass and follow your dreams and reach for the stars!!" day, or an achey, dark, "i wish i wasn't such a disappointment to myself and everyone" day.

this is for me, and for several of you who are reading it. you know who you are. if you're not happy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.