new year's weekend was great. boy and i just chilled, relaxed, played games a lot, and finished up the harry potter movies (which made me really regretful that i didn't read the books first). we're going into the new year positive, we decided, so the other day we were supposed to come up with and discuss our "hopes and dreams" list, but we never got to the discussing part. i want to put some of my list items here so i can't escape them.

hopes and dreams list, 2012

• develop at least 1 original appetizer/salad/side, entree, and dessert recipe per month.


• stop fucking doubting myself and get my handmade business back to its former glory.*


• start and maintain my fitness blog, on its own domain (i abandoned it 20 lbs ago because i didn't feel that i had any right to talk about weight loss when i hadn't lost all of mine yet. meanwhile, i'm still losing and i would have had that many more months of experience under my belt).*


• finish at least one of the books i started writing.*,**


• work from home, full time, doing something that makes me happy.*


• eliminate debt.


• go out on a limb more often.


• stop basing so many of my decisions on what other people (namely my parents) want me to do, and start living a more authentic life.

* i need to stop self-sabotaging in these areas. i always have these amazing ideas, then i share them with someone (usually my mom [who thinks i do everything wrong] or best friend [who is almost the most negative person i've ever met]), and they tell me it's ridiculous and cannot be done. this year, my inner voice gets priority.
** i started writing a fiction book a few years ago, had a solid 5 chapters written, then dropped my computer and lost everything. insert heartbreak, loss of motivation, and profound sadness here.

i've always believed that i have a lot to offer. that i'm going to go somewhere and do something. but the one thing i do know is that if you sit around thinking you can't, you're right. so i have to be done with that. i also know that my mission is to help people, and that success and happiness will come from sharing what's in my heart. so that's where i'm going. that's what i'm doing.

to get what you want in life, you must do. i'm going to start doing. and sharing. and taking what i want instead of waiting for it to come to me.

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.