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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
building a life.
2012-01-19 @ 1:34 p.m.
yesterday i was talking to my brother on the phone, about how my outlook on life has changed since i decided that i'm going to pursue my dreams instead of taking the safe route. this came up also because i went to get my hair done and my hair guy was telling me about all of his regrets in life. he's like 50-something, and if he was my age i am sure that we would be BFFL. we're into the exact same things, it's so weird. so when i was there the other day i was telling him about this quarter life crisis (well, it came a little later for me) that i've been having, and about what i really want to do with my life - bake, cook, blog, create. and he just kept telling me to "do it. do it. if you fail, at least you tried, so you're not sitting around like me, 30 years later, with a list a mile long of things you wish you had done." so i was telling my brother about this, because i thought it was really depressing, actually, and how i really took it to heart because my hair guy is someone who's on my wavelength. and then i started telling him that i had so much trouble getting to this point, deciding to put my happiness first and foremost, because i've always been so afraid of disappointing my mother. but lately i've realized that no matter what i do, i will disappoint her. she doesn't "get" me. and that's okay. i just had to get to the point where i was able to understand that i am not wrong because i disagree with her (even though she will bullheadedly insist that i am). her idea of the perfect life for me is me getting a corporate job, making a lot of money, and owning like five houses. but that's HER life. those are HER aspirations. and we are nowhere NEAR being the same kind of person. so my brother says, and this is really the quote of my life, "[mom's idea of happiness is this]: get some job you don't want and make a lot of money to fill the void made by the job you hate." and that's when i realized that my brother knows what's up. that he really knows. i've been on this organization kick this week. a frenzy. i'm getting everything in order, in its place. i finally measured out and planned the space in my office. i took all of my old stuff from my mom's house up there, and all of my books. i think books are beautiful, and it makes me sad that i've been letting them live in boxes instead of in the sun, where they belong. i think it will do me some good to see all of my things spread out, well lit, open space. the first step to creativity is an uncluttered mind, for me anyway. i feel good. with each passing day my heart feels lighter. i can't wait to see my finished office. i guess i'm going to order some of the stuff from amazon this week, and the rest of it we'll get from ikea this weekend. then i will create. i will make. and i will flourish, because it is what i am meant to do. |