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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
maybe try.
2012-01-23 @ 8:26 p.m.
boys don't realize what they say sometimes. here he comes, home from work, and i have to wash him partially because he can't reach his whole tattoo. he's standing there naked in the bathroom and i'm lathering him up, feeling the tracks of ink under his skin. and he's talking about how the tape on the wrap was pulling his back hairs all day, and that he'd really appreciate it if i'd pluck them for him. i thought it was really sweet, like we're at that point that you feel comfortable asking me to do that. and then later, i was telling him about all of the insane building that is going to have to go on in my office once i get the furniture (which is not in stock until wednesday). he said that he likes to do that sort of thing. and i said oh really? that's surprising to hear. and he says, well it shouldn't be. i'd do anything for you. it makes me happy to do things for the people i like. he's just so cute and such a nice guy that i'm so amazed sometimes. but it really does make me realize that being a good person makes good things happen in your life. i was a real jerk to people when i was younger because i felt so wronged by the world. like, i barely had a mother and i was one of the only non-white kids in my school, and when my mother was actually around she was shredding the few crumbs of self-confidence that i actually had. i didn't have a chance back then, and instead of making the best out of a bad situation, i made the bad situation worse by being a huge asshole. when boy and i talk about old times and the people we grew up with, or even sometimes when i'm browsing old files (saved from 4 or 5 computers ago), i have these memories of terrible things i did. it seems like a completely different person was talking/writing! on more than one occasion, i've thought to myself, "did i really think those things or was i just trying to uphold an image?" but i remember that yeah, at the time, i really did think those things were okay. i knew they were wrong, but i still thought they were okay and justified my actions by going with the old "i never had a chance" excuse. i'm angry, i'm acting out. the world is against me so fuck the world. i know that's like, every teenager, but i've always been the quiet, nice kid. so when i went on this anger spree it was a choice, not my character. so now that i'm older and i realize how important being kind is, and being good, and trying to make things better instead of focusing on the bad stuff all the time. i said to boy while making dinner, that you really have to take care of yourself first before you can be useful to others. after i decided to give myself an attitude adjustment, as i got older, i was always checking myself, making sure that i was being decent and thinking of other people. being more considerate. but i got caught up in trying to make everyone else happy, and i realized i was spreading myself too thin. i never knew how i felt about anything when it was happening. my feelings always sat on the back burner until i boiled over. but now that i started to make conscious decisions about how i can make myself happy too, and how to be a good human being, i truly think it's what's making life so wonderful. like there's no way the negative asshole that i used to be would be where i am right now. that voice is still there, and that voice only ever comes out here, but only sometimes now. i'm working really hard to push it down, to squash it out. this boy, whose love is really just overwhelming and consuming my heart, has helped me become such a better person. i was already trying so hard to get "there," but he's helped push so much further. whenever i ponder this i think about best friend and how miserable she is, and i think of all of the bad things she does. is it any surprise, really, that bad things happen to her? and i don't even mean in the cosmic sense of it or anything now, i just mean on a person to person basis. if you're a liar and a tool, you're generally going to have more negative interactions than positive ones. then think about how constant negative interactions impact your general enjoyment of life. doesn't it make sense to simply ... adjust your attitude and see if that works? but then when you consider it in the cosmic sense too, you can see nothing but bad karma, mojo, whatever you want to call it, being put out there all the time. you always get it back. some how. some way. i know that was really long but i have strong feelings about these things. and about boy, who is just such joy in my life. a person who would do anything for me. a person who knows i would do anything for him. and both of us, gladly so. |