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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
staying awake.
2012-03-17 @ 11:07 p.m.
home from project #1 and it was a serious success. this thing has the potential to become really big and serious, or just fairly big and nice side income. either way, i will be really happy doing it. making one of my many dreams a reality. now, i'm waiting for boy to get here. i took a great hot shower and shaved and moisturized and i feel wonderful. i'm pretty tired, so i hope he gets here before midnight. when i talked to him on the phone, i could tell he was drunk because he was extra jovial. he's that guy who just gets silly when he's drunk, like totally not obviously drunk unless you know him well, but suddenly he's laughing a lot more, he's telling cornier jokes, and he's in the best mood ever. think the used car salesman on family guy. haha. but anyway, he's at a memorial kind of get together thing for this guy who took him in when he was homeless as a teenager. the guy died last year, really shockingly young, and they're all just hanging out and drinking i guess. at first, i really worried about these things so much. especially because this fucking girl M that we went to high school with was being such a skank i couldn't even believe it! she was friends with me on fb back when i actually USED it, and it's not like she was a fucking stranger. she commented to me a number of times, and we would regularly interact. again, it's not like she was a stranger to me on fb or in life, because we went to school together all the way from preschool. there is no way she didn't know who i was or what was going on. so a few times i posted things on there using his name, or pictures of us together, or whatever. it is and was VERY CLEAR that he and i are a couple. so he goes to the actual funeral of this guy last year and comes home and is telling me about all of the people who were there, who he talked to. and one of them was M. and he's like oh yeah, M has twins and is divorced and blah blah. and i'm like yeah i know, i'm friends with her on fb. so he goes on to tell me she was like all up in his fucking mix all night trying to talk to him, but he's trying to talk to her brother who he was actually friends with in high school. he only knew M because she was around when he'd hang out with the brother, and thought it was weird that she wanted to talk so much because they never talked before, but just brushed it off because a LOT of people were acting like they were old buddies that day, which really put him off (and which was the purpose of him telling me about the interaction with M in the first place). so i thought nothing of it, and go to look at fb in the following days and notice that i'm missing a friend. at the time i cared about such things, so i looked to see who it was, and it was M. i was like, wtf, why did she unfriend me? and like all of her wall posts and everything were blocked, and i see she suddenly has this new profile picture of her in a bikini up. and i figured whatev, some people are always all about deleting all of their friends for no reason, so i guess i'm one of them. but i notice that best friend is still her friend, which i thought was weird, because best friend left our school in 7th grade or something and didn't even pretend to like this girl before that. so i'm really confused at this point, but again, figure that it's because best friend has a kid and so does M (and you know some parents have nothing to their personalities except the poop and juice schedules of their kids so they figure every other parent must have so much in common! with them). so you know, like another couple of days pass and i'm on fb again, and i look at boy's (we are not friends on fb), and see that M has liked all of his pictures, has told him how cute he looks in a number of them, and is leaving all kinds of comments that he should call her and that they should get together! i was like, whoa, are you serious!? i honestly couldn't believe that this girl unfriended me so she could hit on my boyfriend! i assume she thought i would never see it. ugh. eww. so at that point i was effectively soured of fb and have been ever since. i don't like how people use it for evil and not good. i don't like that 95% of the posts i see are passive aggressive jabs at people, bitching about this or that, or depressing political headlines. oh and i'm sorry, 1000 different versions of the same picture of someone's ugly baby that i don't give a shit about. i think that my feelings toward fb at this point can be neatly summed up in this tagline: "fb: shit i really don't care about." SO off-topic by now. but the point is that i used to worry about him going to these parties because i knew that M would be there, and she's just one of many random skanks floating around. but i know he would never. he's not that guy. he has way too much respect for himself than to stoop that low, and he has way too much respect for me than to jeopardize our amazing future together. and especially because he knows these girls are aware of the fact that he's one of the few gentlemen in the group who are gainfully employed, they're just looking at him as a meal ticket. just like his ex wife. "let me latch on to a guy who makes a lot of money. i have no plans and no ambition and nothing intelligent to say, but if i shake my tits around in his face, i could be set for life!" sigh. wow, 12:16 and he's still not here yet! i'm so tired. i want to snuggle. all i have is boycat, and he has a grumpy look about him (he always has a grumpy face <3). he smells so good though. whenever i'm feeling sad or lonely, i just pick him up and take a good sniff of his little head. if you've never had a (GOOD) cat, you just can't understand. but they smell kind of fresh and sweet, like that indescribable "fresh" smell that clings to clothes that have come in from outside. it's so nice. he's a good little buddy. i started writing this to stay awake, but i think it's time to throw in the towel. i'll see him when he gets in and wakes me up by slamming the bedroom door. i think it's the funniest thing ever that after all of this time living here (almost as long as i have, really) he is still incapable of closing the bedroom door quietly. i know he tries to do it, because it takes him a long time to do it, and i hear it slamming in a slow, kind of deliberate way, so i know his hand is still on it and he's trying to guide it. but every single day, he misjudges the distance or the heaviness of the door, i'm not sure which one (the heaviness always gets me, because it's a SUPER light door), and ends up slamming it. sometimes he pops back in to whisper-hiss "sorry!" and slam it again. love him. goodnight, dears. |