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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
everything's better, thanks.
2012-03-24 @ 10:30 a.m.
so i changed my template again, and i feel kind of weird about it because i don't usually change it except for a couple of times a year, and usually only when something significant happens. like, i want my template to be a reflection of my general mindset for a period of time, if that makes any sense. in the beginning of the year, in the first hour of the new year, actually, is when i changed it last, and i went with something really simple, but kind of sad, i guess. i don't know, but i wasn't feeling it anymore. it's not where i'm at. i still have days of depression, but i can pin them down to maybe once every week and a half now? maybe once a week? whatever the case, my mind doesn't feel like an overcast day all the time anymore. i feel so happy and hopeful in life so i thought that i should introduce a little color into this space, because it's so important to me. and since there's a little image there in the sidebar, i can change it as often as i like, according to my mood. i feel good about it. best friend and i were supposed to get together today to work on the project, but she just texted me that she can't because of something. i'm sure she wanted me to ask about it, but i'm not really interested in whatever it is, because i know it has to do with her kid's father. she told me last weekend that if she knew how bad he was going to be, she would have never had her kid. which makes me so mad because I KNEW how bad this guy was going to be right off the bat!! and i told her not to go through with it, and that's when she came at me with the "oh well you just hate kids" thing, and i was like, WHATEVER MAN, you'll fucking see. and now here she is, seeing, and wanting me to feel bad for her when she says she regrets having her son. sorry, not me. not cool. not the regret, which i believe any parent is entitled to feel. it's the knowing better but doing it anyway. so anyway, i'm happy she called and said she couldn't do it today, because i really have a lot of shit i have to do and i want to do it. some of it is related to the project, and some is related to my personal venture, but it will benefit both of them mutually. it's not really a priority right now though, because to be honest, i'm pretty frustrated with some of the graphic work i'm [trying] to do but i know it should be at the front of the queue, but i also need a mental break. so either way, this day is working out for me. i was in target a couple days ago, needing to grab just a couple of things, so i'm rushing through. i'm standing in the nail polish aisle, and i turn and look and see this woman's back, and the pair of pants she had on, and i thought to myself, "wouldn't that be weird if that was S (the woman who got me fired)*?" it's like, you just remember people who are super two-faced, and actively try to ruin your life behind your back but act totally sweet to your face. so i could only see a ponytail and black pants, and i thought "how silly," and moved on. but as i rounded a corner, she walked right by me and it actually was her! she didn't even recognize me because i do look completely different now. but it was one of those moments that i really had to step back inside of myself and tell myself to chill out, because there is nothing to be gained from confronting this bitch and ruining her day. i'm better than that. * i never wrote about it at the time, because i was really shocked that this woman was such a terrible person, and i totally wasn't upset about losing that job. but i used to teach at this urban, low-income high school. like government assistance, 70% of kids on free lunch program, think samuel l. jackson in 187 kind of district (in that movie, the classrooms, the types of kids, the gangs, drugs, and administrative problems all are pretty much identical to what i endured on a daily basis). i was always praised for my ability to relate to these kids, to get them engaged, and to keep them under control. other people would walk by or poke their heads into my classroom and tell me later that they were amazed that i could handle "bobby" or "adam" because they were well-known hellraisers. so our superintendent had the IQ of a potato, and constantly hired more administrative staff (all with outlandish salaries) instead of like, supplies? and new books (mine were from 1986)? and stuff that the school actually needed. and among the new administrative staff was S. she was previously a middle school teacher in a really wealthy, cushy district, and came in completely unaware of what my school was like (and high school in general). she observed me one time during my 4th period class, in the beginning of the year, and had nothing but great things to say. at that time, she sat with all of us in the english department and asked if she could introduce herself to the kids by teaching this one story that she liked. it would take a week, and we all said sure, and i was the first to have her in my room. she had been at the school only 30 days at this point. so she comes in to the same 4th period class she observed me in, and the kids were angels the first day because they didn't know who she was or what she was about. (i was in the back of the room observing her, and i was appalled by her lack of preparation, her inability to read aloud and/or pronounce half of the words in our 8th grade textbook [because that's all we could afford!] correctly, and she had to constantly double-check her definitions of literary terms with me!) the second day, however, the kids were back to their usual selves. and they were freshmen, so they were capable of being extra annoying. this woman, in the middle of teaching, stops what she's doing because she's so frustrated that she can't control the class, walks back to where i am and starts yelling at me in front of the kids! that i let them misbehave all the time, i set them up to act like this and make it really hard for her, and that i needed to explain right now! what they were doing!!! i wish i could explain my face, and the faces of the kids behind her, because it was of utter confusion and disbelief. it's like we were all thinking, "is this woman mentally stable?" so then she goes back to the front of the room after her outburst and threats that "i'm taking this to administration! we're going to figure out what's going on here," and starts teaching vocabulary, and is making all of the sentences about how miss [tinea] is a bad teacher, and that miss [tinea] needs to learn classroom management. it was so ridiculously unprofessional and immature that even the kids came up to me after she left and told me how uncomfortable they were. so she yells at me again at the end of the period that second day and says that "we need to sit down," so i went straight down to my vice principal and told him about how unprofessional and ridiculous that was and that i wasn't "sitting down" with this woman without representation. and he said yeah, she had been through the office just before me, practically in tears, ranting about how terrible my class was and went into the principal's office (he was laughing it off and told me not to worry about it because S seems "a little crazy"). i said i wanted to take it up with the union, and he told me to go to my rep to explain the situation and have someone ready if S wanted a meeting. as promised, S sent me an email about "sitting down to discuss this," so i told her a time and had my rep ready. what do you know, i go to S's office with my rep, and she wasn't there. just completely not there, no email, no note, nothing. we went back to the rep's classroom and chatted, then went back in the second half of the period to find S and she never showed up. so the school year progressed and S came to observe me two days before thanksgiving, when i had mono. she gave me a horrible observation (her biggest thing was "lack of energy" - she kept mentioning that over and over), my first and only bad one ever. and since you're allowed to respond to it, i did, saying that i had mono and felt absolutely horrible that day. i went further to explain that S had told me over and over about how she wanted to get observations done BEFORE thanksgiving, and that i didn't want to inconvenience her by rescheduling to after the holiday, so i consented to the observation that day despite my health. my other two formal observations that year - and 5 informal ones - were all excellent, exceeds expectations. so tell me why, when we get to april (contract renewal month for teachers), i get a non-renewal? i wasn't even upset, as i've said. my principal, after breaking the news and explaining that it was all S (she was appointed by the superintendent so her opinion means more than the principal's for some reason), said i looked almost relieved. i told him i totally was. i felt like i could finally breathe. my mentor was a department chair and a very old friend of the principal's, so he was usually at administrative meetings. after he expressed his outrage that the principal's word had no weight (and he really tried his hardest to save me, which i thought was really sweet), he told me that S had ranted on at the contract meeting about how i set my kids up to ruin her mini-lesson, i was "flip" and rude to her, i repeatedly skipped meetings with her (!!) without explanation, and that i looked like i was always in a bad mood. all things totally unrelated to my teaching ability, and all made up. and even though i had only ONE bad observation - given by S herself! - that was enough to warrant non-renewal. so just this one woman had the power to make or break my career, and she broke it. so back to the main storyline, i saw this completely two-faced, underhanded, dishonest twat and i really wanted to say something to her so she could ask what i was doing now and i could tell her how fucking amazing and fulfilling and happy i am now. but i didn't want her to have the opportunity to be like, "oh well then it all worked out!" and i especially didn't want her to think that the ends justified her absolutely disgusting behavior. more importantly, i also didn't want the rage to boil up and over so that i made a scene in a place that i am in extremely often. so i kept it to myself, i kept it quiet. i thought a lot about it after it happened. while i was walking around, doing the rest of my shopping, my hands were shaking. it's not that often that i feel so angry toward other people. but i kept remembering that the night before, i had been in chick fil a, and i heard, "[tinea]'s over there, ignoring me," and i look up in confusion and see one of my ex-coworkers, H, who i love. and i was so happy to see her, and she's like, "omg, i saw you over there looking all skinny!" and we hugged and she said i glowed now, and she could confirm that there was nothing for me at "that place." she said it's not good. she's just waiting to retire in 2 years. so i know i'm so much better off in every way, because if totally laid-back, no worries H is telling me it's bad there, it really must be. so whatever, all i do is win. so boy is at work and best friend texted me that she can get together today to work on the project but i'm like, not in the mood. she also suggested hunger games and burgers which is a much better idea. it's cold and rainy outside. i'm not in the mood to pack up half of my house and run around in the rain to a million stores and then endure her kid's douchebag father all day. out the window, i see my neighbor is teaching his little girl how to ride a bike for the first time. adorable. boy and i were driving yesterday, and we were talking about how great things are, and he says, "it's all because of you." i told him that he doesn't realize that it's because of him, too. he always says, "i don't do anything," but he does. he makes me happy. that's a very important thing. i've been watching a lot of porn lately. i'm a little sexually deprived (a week is too long for me, apparently). boy wants to live life so badly, but he ends up screwing himself by staying up too late. i mentioned that the other day, when i talked about our sundays. this week, he's finally paying for it, because he's barely been making it through dinner. he needs to SLEEP, so i've been letting him. sex is much more fun when he's not exhausted. but it's also more fun when i'm the one having it. sigh. guess i'm about to leave pretty soon. i'm taking my time because i really hate driving in the rain, and that's really only because other people are so terrified and/or oblivious on the road. because they're unsure of themselves, they're doing crazy fucking maneuvers, slamming on their brakes while going way too fast, etc. i'm the first to admit that i drive like a goddamn racecar driver, but that's because i am focused on nothing else except DRIVING so i can control myself and my vehicle. half the time i don't even have the radio on. then i look around and see someone in the middle lane, going like 75mph, with a fucking newspaper opened up over their steering wheel, and someone texting, and someone else barreling down the highway through all of us, no blinker, going 90 or maybe even 100, and they're turned around to the backseat looking at their fucking kid. try looking at the road or you'll BOTH be dead! jesus christ. little (not really) boycat just snuggled up next to me and i wish we could just chill here on this poop day, but i have to go. he's my little relaxboy, my little loverboy. i do miss him when i'm not home. oh, and boy FINALLY went to get the divorce yesterday. he's going to just go for it, and hope that she won't get a lawyer, which is unlikely now that she has a job. the place he went to told him that since they've been separated for so long, there's really no reason that they won't grant it now. god, i'm so relieved. i told him the other night it was like she was this harpy that just lurks in the trees outside of my house, everpresent. best friend was telling us this story a couple weeks ago about this lesbian couple who had been together 18 years, one of whom was dying in the hospital, and the other wasn't allowed in to see her wife as she lay dying because their union wasn't recognized. it was such a sad, horrible story, and i immediately thought of something terrible happening to boy and she is the one who's allowed in instead of me. NOT COOL. so the other day when he was debating whether he should just go to this place and take the chance that the divorce would go through, i was nearly in tears, telling him that ever since she told that story it's all i could think about. and he reluctantly agreed that yeah, he had been too, and now is the time. so it is done. rush processing. the judge will see it in a week, and if she refuses to sign (she already said she planned to refuse it), 4-6 more weeks will pass and then it will be final. we will have a party that day. i should probably get going now. |