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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
doing this.
2012-03-30 @ 11:23 a.m.
from yesterday: there are so many different parts of me that are flushed. like a prickly heat over certain areas of my skin. sometimes i don't take my own advice. i'll admit. remember the other day when i said not to dirty text before you get started on your work for the day? well today i did exactly that. i even came on here and started writing about how i started doing it but was really really going to stop soon and get to being productive, "i promise!" but i came back on and deleted that shit when i saw that it wasn't gonna happen. so i told him pretty simply this morning that i wanted him to "fuck me silly," so of course that set up an entire day of anticipation. and i always love it when i tell him these things early in the morning or via text, because he doesn't even address it at all. like he won't bring it up. so all day i'm excitedly wondering if he got the text and if the plan will go as laid out. and then even after he gets home, he totally plays it off for a while. i know he does it on purpose because he loves the salacious looks i give him all afternoon. i started having cramps (what a stupid time, right?) like 45 minutes before he got home, so i took one of the extra powerful tylenol i have for such an occasion, which coincidentally make me feel extra high when i smoke. and smoke we did after he got home and fresh, and then it was time to head upstairs. after a stop to pee, i go into the bedroom and he's just standing there, staring at the bed. and i was like wtf are you doing? and he was like, were you expecting some sexy pose? and i said actually, yeah, and instead i get this creepy serial killer stand and stare. is some kind of rite going to be performed in here? and of course we're rolling around on the bed, giggling, then we're undressing, but not nearly fast enough, and oh man. it moved fast. one second he's just kissing me, asking how i feel about this horrible mustache he's growing, if he should shave it. of course, i say, it's hair and neither of us likes hair. and then the next second, face between my legs, then i'm sitting on his face, humping it, and he's like oh my god. and it's totally fucking crazy. and out of nowhere, he's like, you know? i really hate this mustache. it feels so weird! and i'm like i know man! it feels like you've got a fucking push broom down there. think about it later though so i can get your cock back in my mouth. so we continue on, and he's like yeah you know, i gotta go shave right now. i can't stand it anymore! it's in my mouth!! so he leaps out of the bed and runs down the hallway, and i hear him go in the bathroom, then bbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.zzz.z......, then "fucking really!?" and then i didn't hear anything else because i was giggling my ass off. luckily he had another trimmer in there, this one with a power adapter. he trimmed it, but didn't shave it off. couldn't bear it after so much time invested. so he comes back and it's just all a flurry of being told how beautiful i am and kisses in all the right places. i don't even know what position i'm in. my legs and arms are just being bent and moved around, and there he is, over my shoulder, above me, laughing, "is this what you wanted?" and i can't even catch my breath to respond. i was so glad we had the windows closed this time because the neighbors surely would have thought that i was being murdered. and i almost did too. there were a few times, a few angles, where i was thinking, this is going to rip my IUD out! but if it does, it's an honorable way to lose it. it ended with him cumming inside me, as he must, my face pressed into the crook of his shoulder, as he must. i realized after all this time that that is almost always the way, the way that both of us like it. i never let him pull out, and he always wants me there, right in his ear. we always have to be wrapped together. and then i'm being kissed again, and he's going to collapse next to me, but his arms and legs are like jelly, so he kind of just bellyflops instead. and my little arm snakes around his torso, and we whisper a few things to each other as the sun sets outside, and we nap a little while. (last night i stopped writing this here, and did all of the stuff i'm going to write about, then passed out so i never finished. the rest is from today.) i tried to wake him up when i got up, but i just received some unintelligible mumbling in response. so i started making dinner, and every time i had a moment of downtime, i went back up to try to wake him again. he was pretty much down for the count. right before dinner was ready, i went up and asked if he was even hungry, or if he wanted me to let him sleep, and he was like (slurred by sleep), "nooooo, i'm sooooo hungry." ME TOO! so i went back down, finished everything up except for actually filling the plates, and tried one more time. i said, "hon. dinner is ready." that time, he actually popped up (as enthusiastically as one can after a really long sex nap) and came downstairs with me to eat. and as soon as his plate was clean, he was dozing again. haha. sorry i wore you out! not really. we smoked a little more, then headed for bed. i massaged his hands as he fell asleep, then fell promptly asleep myself. what a sound, wonderful sleep it was. this morning it's a cool, but beautiful day. i have a little cooking to do. i was going to put off the one thing for another day, but then i realized that the few things that i was being too lazy to go to the store for are available at target, which is super close. why do i always forget about target as an option for so many things? is it just that i see it SO much, since i have to pass it almost every time i leave my house, that my brain doesn't even recognize it anymore? so weird. ugh, every part of me is sore. what a workout. as boy and i were sweating and panting last night, i said, "you know, this is a great calorie burner!" because the other day he was going on about how he wanted to start taking walks before or after dinner because he's so chunky these days. fuck walking, let's fuck. so much more fun for everyone involved. speaking of fucking, i was reading some random recently updated diaries this morning, as i always do while i enjoy my coffee. i was reading one in which its writer discussed her negative attitudes and feelings about sex. it was kind of a predominant issue, coming up in about half of the entries i read through. i found it so interesting, how her feelings about things were so completely opposite and foreign to mine. i wanted to add this person, but i hesitated. and am still hesitating. on one hand, i'm an equal opportunity diary reader. there are some people whose opinions i find completely wrong and offensive, and those are the people who i would never read, because reading them would annoy me. and then on the other hand there are the people who are writing about normal everyday things, who bare a little bit more of themselves, in just such a way. and you are my buddies. but then. there are those people in the gray area who interest me so, but are so opposite me. and they are the ones whom i don't want to offend. and their notes are turned off. so i hesitate. in here, i talk about everything. i have to. to be sane. to be happy. to remember. to relive. and in describing this, i realize that it's why i have so few friends in real life. always afraid to be my full self. always afraid i'm coming off the wrong way. but i'm working on it. in internet life, i'll read from afar. i can't censor myself and i don't ever want to feel that i should. also, sex-a-thon last night made me realize that i really do owe it to myself to get as fit as possible. boy is right. i AM sexy as hell. my body looks awesome for being 30 lbs overweight, but imagine how phenomenal it will look at a healthy weight, with some more muscle (initially i wrote, "a little more muscle," but nah). my biceps and shoulders are just. yes. and boy couldn't STOP jiggling and slapping my ass around. i want a little more lift in my glutes, and then it'll be a really stellar ass. two weeks until my other sleeve gets started. actually, i don't know if i want it to be a sleeve, really. it doesn't matter. i'll just tell the guy to design whatever he thinks will be awesome, and he'll do it. i'm sure he'll make it a sleeve, because tattoo artists always want you to get the most badass option available when you're already pretty tattooed. like they know you're up for anything. he's almost fully covered, neck to feet, so whenever any of us says, "do whatever you want," he wants to do it big. i'm NOT interested in getting anything in or near my FUCKING ARMPIT again, but if it turns out that that's the shape of it, i'll have to suck it up for the greater good. i want it to stretch down my arm, partially on my chest, and the back of my shoulder. this needs to get done before the sun and the summer start happening and it becomes sweat time, because these sensitive areas will be fucking killer if they're sweating and a bra strap is rubbing on them. ugh the summer. okay. i waste so much time every day, doing this. but is it wasting time when you're documenting your life? leaving behind an account of the truest side of yourself? hm. |