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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
what is the word i'm looking for.
2012-04-05 @ 2:00 p.m.
some days i feel really bad about myself because i'm so strange and difficult to get along with. it's a lot of days, actually. but then i read some other diaries and i realize that a lot of us feel this way, so it kind of makes it easier. but i can never stop wondering what it must be like to be a normal, well-adjusted person. like you know, if i could just live a week in the body and brain of a person who isn't so insecure, so unsure, depressed, all that stuff. what is it like to just wake up and have a "normal" day? to not open your eyes and immediately feel anxiety, a vague sense of dread, and inexplicable self-doubt? to think, "am i going to be able to communicate today?" i know that one in particular is a strange one, but i often start the day with so much i need to say - to so many people, and in here, and elsewhere - that i end up feeling choked by everything swirling around. it's a frustrating, paralyzing feeling. i always wonder, does everyone feel this way, and i'm just one person who manages it poorly? does everyone feel this way sometimes but i feel this way a lot? or is it maybe that the majority of people feel fucking great and i'm just fucked up. i'll never know. boy went over to my parents' (mom and stepdad's) yesterday to take a shower, and he came home and was telling me of the interaction he had with my stepdad. i've said a lot of things about them here, but not to boy, because i don't want him to dislike them more than he already does. but some of the things i've looked back at and wondered, is this just my perception of them? am i being unfairly hard on them despite how shitty they are/were to me? but when he was describing how uncomfortable my stepdad's line of questioning was making him, because it seemed more like "an inquisition," that he was asking "leading questions" (his words!), i realized that no, i'm not making it up. they are just super difficult people to deal with. boy said, "i felt like, if you really want to know this stuff, why don't you just ask [tinea]?" and i said that's exactly what the problem is. if they just wanted to call and chat with me and ask about my life, i'd be totally into it. i wish i could have a casual conversation with my parents. but they can't do that, and so, i can't either. best friend seriously called me a couple of hours ago and told me that she was trying to go back out with that guy who "took advantage of her" but he seemed like he was trying to avoid her. i was just like wut. are. you talking about. you just told us a couple of days ago that you were practically raped but you're still interested? actually, i said, "um, i thought you weren't into that whole thing?" and she said, "well i told him i was into the first part of the date (the part where they weren't having sex), and would like to do more of that, but he's just been texting me these one word responses." and i was like, "probably because he already got what he wanted, dude!" and she REALLY SAID TO ME, "nah, i don't think he's like that." WHAT. okay. i think she is the person for whom the phrase, "you better check yourself before you wreck yourself" was invented. this is all i can make sense of today. is it the allergy pills? i'm not together with my head. |