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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
things i'm thinking about:
2012-04-02 @ 11:26 a.m.
1. my cats really don't like each other, but it's interesting to watch them at the food dish. they both will wait politely for the other to finish, a short distance away. they'll hiss and swat at any other random time, but i guess neither wants to bother with any trouble when they're hungry. 2. best friend came over the other day and told me a story about this first date she went on with yet another guy from match or wherever. it was so fucking filthy that i was quite frankly appalled. there is no other word for it. if you've been reading my diary for any amount of time, you know that i am very sexual and am unafraid - and quite happy! - to discuss the intricacies of my sex life. that said, what this girl told me the other day ... she thinks it's funny, and it kind of is in a 2 girls 1 cup sort of way, like you're listening to her story and from the first second to the last, you have no idea which direction it's going to go. however. once you get to the destination, it's not really funny because it really happened and she let it. boy had to work that day, so she was so excited to tell him when he got home. she got to the "climax" of the story, if you can really refer to someone's all time low in such a way, and he had to jump up and run into the kitchen because he was seconds away from puking. after she left, boy was still like reeling from this story, and said, "do you notice how she tells it like it was happening to her, not like she was a willing participant? she tells it like she was raped or something." and i said YES! now do you realize what kind of person she is? she's never responsible for anything that happens. and he said, "she's that person who's always a victim." and we talked more about that, and how she said during storytelling, "you know how sometimes you're just sitting there thinking, 'how did i get here? what am i doing right now?'" i said no, i don't know how that happens at all, because i'm the type of person who never allows any situation to escalate to a point that it feels like it could get out of my control, let alone actually get out of control. especially something like this. ultimately, boy and i both agreed that "this" doesn't happen to you unless you let it, and she definitely let it. my brother asked how she was on the phone yesterday, and i actually had to say, "she told a story so filthy that i am actually uncomfortable repeating it to my brother." to the guy who told me about 2 girls 1 cup in the first place. 3. maybe i'm hypersexual? how much is too much? my answer would be, "there is no such thing as too much." it's just that whenever boy and i get started, like we'll have a few days of stellar sex in a row, then i need it all the time. i'll have to masturbate three times a day, and that only turns the volume down a little. last night we ate WAY too much (omg though, we made the best dinnerrrrrr!) and smoked too much too, and i wanted it SO bad but ugh, full stomach sex is the worst. but i missed out, because now i'm sitting here like fuck. because boy won't be home til extra late, and i'm NOT starting with the texting today. 4. i have a lot of things to say about sex, but should really plan to just write about all of that stuff in a separate entry some other time when i have all day. but as usual, i've been reading diaries, some random and some not, in which not so great sex was discussed. and even best friend said the other day, "you can tell this guy watches too much porn," meaning his style and technique were a little too "showy." but i don't really see anything wrong with someone's style being reflective of watching too much porn. i watch too much and so does boy, but we still have fantastic sex. and i KNOW i'm always going on and on about communication, but it's really just a vital skill to have in life, and especially in the bedroom. like, come on. sex is gross sometimes! and sometimes it's really awkward! but you just have to truck through those awkward moments, stop being afraid of confrontation or feeling uncomfortable or whatever, about whatever it is, and tell your partner what you want and need. and if you can't talk to your partner about normal, regular things in your relationship, then that's probably why your sex life sucks: how are you going to be able to talk about the extremely personal, sometimes embarrassing, sometimes sensitive details of something like sex, which is already difficult to talk about? and are you completely comfortable with every part of your body? if you're not, then sex probably isn't going to be as delightful as it can be either, because 100% of your attention is not on your enjoyment. i was thinking about this the other day after i posted that entry about my fucking moustache ride. when i was younger and in relationships with guys who i didn't trust 100%, when i was really insecure about my body, when i was afraid to talk about what turned me on, sex sucked. i had some "good" times, but the best time back then doesn't even compare to my worst time with boy. with all of those other things on my mind in those days, it was hard to really get into it. during the last serious relationship i was in before boy, i can count on one hand the number of times i had a legitimate, real orgasm. the rest of the time i settled, believing all of the bullshit that so many women can't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. oh well, i must be one of them, i thought. wrong! there's nothing wrong with my body. it's just that i've never asked for - and then actually received! - what i wanted in bed! people think that porn is this unrealistic fairyland of shit that people don't really do. it doesn't last that long, it's edited, blah blah. if you want to have porno sex at home, why the fuck not? i just said to boy the other night, "next time you cum in me, i want you to give me a really ridiculous pornstar growl. be really theatrical." and he was like, "are you really serious? that's so silly." and i said, hey. it turns me on. so he said okay. he can last an hour if i want him to, or he can last 3 minutes. sometimes he wants to do crazy porn style throat fucking. okay. i'll work on my gag reflex so you can enjoy that. it's just a matter of putting in effort. 95% of the time, he makes sure that we cum at exactly the same time. so considerate. don't let your partner leave the bedroom without satisfying you! it's as simple as that. 5. i realized finally, after all of this time that i've been with boy, trying to figure out what the fuck is with these moods, that it's his piece of garbage ex-wife. every time he talks to her on the phone, he gets aggravated, starts being a douche, and then hangs up and continues it with me. we were in the kitchen yesterday, making this huge feast, and she finally called him back so he felt obligated to answer (she's been doing this thing for the past couple weeks where she's been telling little A that his dad doesn't love him anymore and won't answer the phone when boy calls. great mom!). she immediately started in on him about whether he was going to take little A to get new baseball equipment, and that he always lets her down, and he's never there "for them" and is a horrible father and etc. etc. so he gets off the phone from that shit, and i'm asking him some question about cooking, and he gave me this snippy ass answer. and i told you, i don't tolerate people speaking to me like that, so i was like hey man. you better slow your roll. so i remember exactly what he was doing, he was leaned down in the dishwasher, taking stuff out, and i said something else, and he said, "shut the fuck up," but not in a joking way. and i walked over to him and looked right down at him and said, "what did you just say?" and i remember his head turning slowly, his eyes wide, i guess because he realized what he said, and that i was pissed. and i said, "i don't know who you think you're telling to shut the fuck up," and he quickly answered, "myself! i'm sorry! i was telling myself!" i'm glad my expression communicated that if i was someone else, he would have gotten punched in the face. so after i cooled down from that, i was standing there trying to figure out how we went from having a nice time preparing dinner in the kitchen to fighting. and then i realized it was her. and i heard his phone ring again, and it was her ring, and he's in the refrigerator now, looking at his phone and panicking - do i answer it? - and after standing there watching him try to decide for a moment, i said, "don't. every time you talk to her, you get off the phone and start being a total dick to me. stop bringing her into the house." and he was like, "what are you talking about?" and i said, i just realized it while we were standing here. and i told him. we were having a great time today until she called, and now here you are giving me snippy responses and telling me to shut the fuck up. he felt really bad about it, and of course didn't realize he was doing it, because neither did i. i'm just really happy that the situation is resolved, and in the future when these things happen, we know what it is. because let's face it. she doesn't call if it's not to start a fight. 6. sinus headache, i think? it sucks that i have to go back to my regimen of allergy and sinus pills. i always feel so lethargic and floaty-headed, but like alert and jittery all at the same time. trying to swim through a dense fog fueled only by my first cup of coffee of the day. so unpleasant. 7. in removing negative things from my life, for my sanity, for my mental health, i had to stop hanging out and talking to ex-coworker P. i didn't understand what my other ex-coworker D was saying at the time, when she told me she couldn't hang out with P as often. she said she's so negative, so high strung, that it makes HER feel that way too. and at the time, we were all really stressed and negative and high strung, so i was like whatever dude, how much more of these shitty feelings could she possibly bring to the table? we're already all freaked out. and then after i no longer worked there, i felt myself wanting to hang out with her less and less, because now i CAN feel it. especially right now, when i'm in such a good place. i feel so bad because she texted me a couple of months ago, trying to see what was up, and i ignored it. and i hate to be that person who avoids. but i'm in the tight spot of knowing that it's her personality and it will never change, so if i tell her that's why i've been so unavailable, it will just hurt her feelings. i don't want her to disappear from my life, but i also can't afford to feel down. not at a time like this. the other problem is that she also used to be my drinking (and eating) buddy, and i'm not into drowning my sorrows anymore. she doesn't like to do it alone. and neither did i. that's why we were best friends. but now that i'm really trying hard to let go of so much of that anger and focus on only good things, i don't know that we have much in common. 8. i've realized that i need to make a list first thing in the morning with the exact order and details of each thing that i plan to accomplish or i don't make it all the way there. when i write only, "kitchen," later when i walk into the kitchen to address it, i have no idea what to do. where to start. my brain has a significantly easier time processing when it sees a list of tasks organized in some kind of logical order (clean out catch-all basket, then clean the counters [so any crumbs will fall to the floor], then take out the trash [in case it drips], THEN clean the floor). i think this also works well for me because i hate it when i set about doing one task but there are 4 other ones that have to be done first in order to start the original one. when i see it all laid out, i have an easier time attacking the things and getting them done than i do when i think i'm just going to be changing sheets and find instead that i have to fold and put away 100 random articles of clothing (boy!!) first. could i just shove those clothes aside and leave them on the floor? sure. but then we'll both be tripping over them for 2 months until he finally decides to do something about it, which usually is to put them all in the wash (because who knows which ones are clean now), and then once they're in the dryer, never touch them again. so then when i want to do MY laundry, there are two loads ahead of me that will end up exactly where they all began: in a heap, on top of the bed whose sheets i want to change. let's just nip all this in the bud by making a more detailed todo list. ----- it's funny that the original title of this was "a brief list of things i'm thinking about," and it was only 4 things that were actually brief. but i kept getting up and walking around and doing other things, and so much other related stuff started coming to me that it didn't quite work out that way. |