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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
10% battery.
2012-05-08 @ 10:26 p.m.
i am so annoyed by a lot of things that are going on lately. i don't understand what is with people sometimes! like why is it so hard to just be honest with people? my grandmother was telling my brother the other day that she thinks he and i are the most sensitive people she's ever met. i'm not more sensitive than the average person. i just have higher standards for acceptable behavior than most people and i get mad when i'm let down. yeah, i take it personally when a person i trust looks me right in my face and lies to me. that communicates to me that they think i am stupid. so if that's being sensitive? then i guess i am. but last night in particular i had a horrible night. i'll go into it at another time. i'm typing this on my phone in bed. but i was so mad i couldn't go to sleep. and instead of laying there in a rage, i started thinking about how great boy is. and today, i got started on it again, and did the same. i replaced my anger with positive thoughts of gratitude for everything he does for me. and later today when I told him about all that happened overnight, i thanked him for being the first person to make me laugh today. and for doing so many things for me, for being so straight up with me all the time, for never making me question his motives, and for being (most of the time!) so kind. the simple fact that he always says please and thank you. he's just a good guy. and he thanked me for doing all of the many things i do for him, and i told him that i do those things because i appreciate him so much. he says all he's ever wanted is to just be with someone who treats him well, above all. the simple things. and he said that i don't piss him off, which is really important, but added, "most of the time. you know." i had to laugh because there are things he does that drive me totally bats too, but i still love him so. he said that he wishes i wasn't so reserved sometimes, and went on a second about that. he said that i "just don't need to be." but he said he understands that's just how i am, and added that it's actually a good thing that i'm so reserved, especially compared to him, because there are a few times he thinks he would have landed in jail if not for me. so we decided that we make a great pair. it was really sweet. he said he doesn't do anything for me but work and sleep. but he doesn't know how much his love comforts me and inspires me and keeps me sane. how he always makes me want to do more, and be better. like be a better ME. i know some of you will understand when i say that he makes me care about myself. i never really did before. but now i know how important it is to love and respect myself. and i feel so happy. i kept telling him in the car how happy i am. when was i ever able to honestly say that before? my phone is going to die. but nothing seems impossible anymore. that's what i'm trying to say. there are still so many days when my depression wants to take me over. but it gets easier and easier to quiet it down, to tell it i know its game. to remember that it's not me, i'm not in my right mind. and so now, all i have to focus on is making us happy. it's wonderful. |