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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
thinking about thinking.
2012-05-25 @ 11:44 a.m.
i feel kind of weird. i'm having a jittery, anxious spell. i feel really stressed out. i am really stressed out. i love boy so much but he's SO LAZY! i totally understand where he's coming from with this, but it's still annoying: we had this totally epic list of stuff that has to get done around the house, and he doesn't want to do anything. i only have a couple more weeks until i'm not around all the time. he doesn't know how long he's laid off for, but one of his guys said that it would only be a couple of weeks. so he's like, vacation! and while that's totally great, we still have this serious list of stuff to do. any none of it is/was the fun stuff. one of the biggest things was "clean up and organize downstairs. clean next to stairs. donate unneeded stuff." so we wake up in the morning, he puts kiddo on the bus, and he's like, what are we going to do today!? and i say, let's start on the basement. and he's all, i don't know why you keep bringing up the basement! and the stairs! it's only going to take like a half an hour! it's not a huge deal! so he cops this huge attitude because i didn't want to do anything "fun," despite us having a list of random errands to run in addition to the housecleaning. so i was like hey man. since it's only going to take a half hour, let's do it and get it done! like do you really think i enjoy fucking housecleaning? there are literally 100 more entertaining things i can find to do at any given time. i want to do this so it's not being dragged out any goddamn longer. we get down there at 10:15, and get started working. cleaned out the hall closet. hung up all jackets and sweatshirts. got rid of old shoes and organized the ones that we were keeping. vacuumed out the closet. cleaned up all the crap on and around the steps, then cleaned the actual steps (when i bought almost white carpets i thought i would be living alone, now i am full of regret). took out the old, flimsy table in the back, folded up the treadmill, put together the new desk and put my brother's stuff on it, put up all christmas stuff, threw away unnecessary stuff on and around the filing cabinet, filed files, got together everything we intended to donate, washed and cleaned the litterbox as well as the floor in there, shelved the toy boxes, sprayed bug spray, cleaned the windows, corners, under the couch, and under where the piles of random crap in random bags were stored, and vacuumed the floors and mopped the foyer, which hasn't been done in at least 6 months because there's been so much shit on the floor. at 12:30, he's telling me that he's starving. i said, some half hour that was, huh? it feels so good down there now though. i hate bugs, i hate clutter, i hate messes. i'm not super neat or organized, but i'm definitely not dirty. it's different to have piles of things around, the pillows not perfectly arranged on the couch. you know, to have a house that looks like it's actually lived in. that's one thing. but it's entirely another to walk around in your bare feet and notice that they're black afterward. that's really gross, and that's not how i am going to live my life. so despite his bitching, we got it all done and at least 1/3 of the house is clean. so tomorrow, we have plans to hit a pawn shop to get rid of the stuff that may have value (old computers and cell phones, video games, etc), and then he's going up to meet with crazy to assess whether or not she's capable of having little A for the weekend. hopefully yes, because we need a break. it was hilarious that just a few months ago boy was like, "i'd never need a break from my son!" and now he's dying to have a free weekend. such is the life of a parent, and exactly why i never wanted to be one. kids are fun and all (read: rarely, and in small doses), but i'm much, much happier being a cat mom. much. much. my dad called me this evening and sounded so depressed. i feel so bad for him. he pretty much blamed all of this stuff that was happening on himself, and i told him that as much influence as he thinks he has, or may have had, you're still talking about two grownups (maturity or lack thereof aside) who are capable of making their own decisions. three if you count my stepmom, who's really engineering her own destruction over there. i think that, in life, you can't blame anything on anyone else. ultimately, it's just you who makes the choice between doing the right or wrong thing. my dad asked my stepmom certain questions directly, and she chose to lie to him. my dad thinks that this is partly his fault because he "can talk hard sometimes." but doesn't everybody, sometimes? even still, that's my dad's personality. he talks hard all the time. she's known this forever, and so has her daughter. you can tell this about my dad within the first 10 minutes of meeting him. so even if he did talk particularly hard to either of them on whatever occasion, they can't justify all of their lying, deceit, underhandedness, and complete lack of empathy. both he and my brother are a lot better off without these awful people. finally: i had a thought occur to me. i wonder if i am doing some things that set me back. one thing in particular. because i had this feeling of overwhelming happiness and contentment in the midst of all of this stress, and i was like wow. i love boy. and as miserable as this situation is with this kid, he and i will get through it together. so then i thought of some other things that i've been wanting from the relationship, and i kind of wondered if i was keeping them from happening through things i was or was not doing. and i know it seems a really weird and totally meta thought, but i actually had to think about whether or not i really wanted those things, or if i was ready for those things. because the fact that i was even thinking about this, that i had to question my own desires, made me wonder if they were my true desires. if maybe, before now, i had been unconsciously unsure of myself, so i was doing these things and purposely blocking my own path because i didn't really know if that's where i wanted to go. after all of that housecleaning and organizing, i just felt so much more clearheaded, like i knew exactly what i wanted. i guess we had to lighten the load literally and figuratively. but i think i know what i need to do now. and it doesn't scare me. so i know that it's probably right. |