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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
fml.
2012-06-04 @ 12:18 p.m.
i keep wanting to write, but this situation is just so trying and aggravating that all of the other things i've been thinking about have kind of taken a backseat. first of all, this kid is fucking horrendous. like just positively awful, the kind of stuff you see on super nanny. he's so fucking bad, so annoying on top of it, and has no feelings about being punished. i'm not even going to go back into all of it because i really don't feel like reliving the weekend, but pretty much, this absolutely perfect weather fantastic weekend was spent 100% indoors, because he's grounded. boy had to put him in his room and lock all of the doors to our rooms upstairs because he wouldn't just stay in his room, he kept sneaking out (badly, his only walking volume is a stomp) and stealing shit out of them. so upon doing that, and then taking everything fun out of his room except for a list of spelling bee words, the kid STILL keeps doing the same things that got him in trouble in the first place. it's just so, so exhausting and annoying. we're held hostage in our own house because of this kid. i told boy after some of the stuff that went on this weekend that he needs to get little A into therapy, immediately. he has absolutely no concept of right and wrong, displays a complete and total inability to tell the truth ever, and doesn't care about being grounded to his room for a week with absolutely nothing in it but a bed. i can't tell you how much i hate boy's ex for allowing this kid's behavior to escalate to this point, and now she just gets to bail out and see him when she feels like it. meanwhile we're suffering so badly. i'm just feeling so tense, so angry, so helpless, so used. i know this kid is fucked up through no fault of his own, but no matter who you are, it's got to feel really insulting when you drop $1200 of your own dollars (that you couldn't really afford to drop in the first place) on someone and they still pretty much tell you to go fuck yourself and that they hate you. now i have $22 left to take me til saturday. i wish i could return that fucking furniture and put shitty wire baskets and rickety unmatched thrift store stuff in there instead. i was never given anything so nice in my fucking life for doing nothing, and i certainly knew better than to try to destroy it because i was grounded. the other night he was stomping around, saying he hated us and wanted to go back to live with his mom, and boy looked at me and said "you know what? at this point i honestly don't even care if he does, because this sucks." yes, it does. now imagine how i feel. i hate being annoyed all the time, and i hate feeling like a prisoner in my own place. i just fucking hate everything about children. so of course i end up with one of the worst ones. in 5 years i'd better be writing about how much of a learning experience this is and how much of a better person i became because of it. because right now i just want to strangle myself to death. so in other, slightly better news, i got this job that i really really wanted. but of course, being me, i am so freaked out that i am going to do a shitty job. all i have to do is submit my papers and i'm on, but i've spent this entire day sitting around, biting my nails, worrying about it. at the interview, which was originally for an administrative assistant position, the interviewer was looking at my resume, totally puzzled. he said, "you're very highly qualified. and you taught for 3 years in a [really bad district] school? ... why are you applying for a job as a secretary?" i don't know, because i'm terrified i suck at everything? when i'm super stressed out i get like this. my mind races, i can't focus, and i start doubting, questioning, second-guessing, and then paralysis. tomorrow, i will do it. i really have to stop psyching myself out. it's the job of my dreams: complete and total freedom, schedule my own hours, take jobs i want and don't take the ones i don't. still in a semi-teaching environment, but not really. none of the stuff i hated about actually being in the classroom. i just had two completely different people tell me i would be great, i will do fine. why do i not believe in myself? boy and i have plans to go shoot some zombies after little A goes to bed. we're actually at the very last fight in resident evil 5. if anything, all of this going on, this crazy kid, being super broke right now, being stressed - it seems like it brings us closer together. our most valuable time together is exactly that: our time together. now that he's back working, almost in new york, he's back to getting up at 3:45am, falling asleep right after dinner. but we send little A to bed early when he's grounded so we've managed to steal a few hours to ourselves. i love so many things about him, but that we have the same priorities is one of the best things about our relationship. i was so worried that "we" would get lost in the shuffle when all of this happened, especially with my brother moving in, because he's a very clingy, kind of social guy. boy is very gregarious and extroverted so the two of them naturally get along amazingly well, but i was so worried that it would be the boy and brother show and i would be the third wheel, but it is not so. "our" time is just as important as ever, and probably even more so, because now there is less of it. when we first started dating again, he told me not to be afraid to be "all over him" because he's the kind of guy who likes his woman to be up his ass. i thought he was exaggerating, but no, he really does want me to be glued to him at all times. i think it's great, because i guess i'm kind of like that too. i never thought i was until i met him. i never thought a lot of things until i met him. yesterday i found out via fb that this girl i went to high school with was killed, and it made me so sad. she was super preppy, super athletic, super popular. totally not the kind of person i would ever have hung out with. but i had cooking class with her one year, and she sat there next to me, and we had this very conversation. i was saying something about how she's not the kind of person who would ever talk to me, and that i was surprised that she was because of the people she was friends with. and she said, huh, i always thought the same thing about you. she said i seemed like i was nice, but i was so standoffish, and i only hung out with my friends. and it was so weird, because it was for the first time that i really had a concept of how i appeared and came off to other people. and this girl, this completely normal, blonde-haired blue-eyed popular girl was sitting there telling me that she had always been afraid to approach me. it was a real turning point for me in high school. i stopped being such an angry, nasty goth kid and started being a lot nicer, being more ME. i remember it so well. i remember how this girl's kindness almost made me tear up in class. she was just a genuinely good person. so i was so sad to find out that she had been killed in this horrible way. but also via fb i found out that my class is coming together to raise some money and start a scholarship fund in her name. i am going to write a letter to her parents to thank them for raising such a good person. i know she died young, but she touched my life, and probably plenty of others. i can honestly say that i am happy to have known her. that is all for now. little A is partially off punishment finally, so at least when he gets home boy and i can hang out without having to stop every five minutes to tell him to stop getting out of his room. never again with this. there's a lot i want to say about body and body image and happiness and rolling over and accepting things vs. taking action (re: my brother, my dad, my self) and being a certain kind of person (honest vs. dishonest). hopefully i'll have time to do that this week. i feel amazingly out of touch with myself the past few weeks. physically and mentally. i just weighed myself for the first time in a couple of weeks and i've gained like 5 lbs. i know it's my period and everything, and 5 lbs is nothing. especially because boy has been telling me how great i look lately, when i've actually felt fatter than usual. but i just feel in general like my attentions have been everywhere else except where i want them to be. gotta get it together. ETA: also, i love it when i hear the sound of the trimmer coming from upstairs! i appreciate his constant attention to detail. |