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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
how did you get my address?
2012-10-18 @ 8:53 a.m.
boy found some nice side work on CL that's much, much easier than his regular job but pays under the table. he's out today doing that, so i'm home alone for the first time in a few weeks. it was really nice having him around, but i got little to nothing done because he needs to be constantly entertained. he's like a little kid - he's like his kid, actually, in so many (sometimes aggravating) ways. but this thing about him is something that i like, because i like to be around him. we like to be around each other. we don't necessarily need to be doing anything, but we need to be together. speaking of kids. about a week ago, i got a huge package in the mail, addressed to me, with delivery confirmation ... of baby formula, a feeding guide, etc. i was like what the fuck!? i didn't order this!!! i was SO freaked out over it, especially because we've been eating kind of like shit and i was (still am) super super bloated, and my period was about to start so my boobs were really tender, i was nauseous, you know. classic pregnancy symptoms but also classic PMS symptoms. so boy was like joking around about it, "are you SURE there isn't anything you want to tell me?" and i know he didn't mean anything by it, but on top of the random baby package and all of that shit, i was feeling out of my mind. then last night there was some thing on tv that we were watching, and it was another baby thing, and he's like, "well, since you're having a baby and ordering formula samples," haha, blah blah. and i replied, "trust me, i'm NOT." because here's the thing. two things. i really cannot stand children. but if i were to EVER EVER entertain the thought of actually having one (i mean me personally being pregnant and delivering a child [fucking yeah right!]), it would be boy's and boy's only. i was looking at him the other day, thinking about how much i love him, and how he actually is a great dad. and i was thinking that sometimes i wish i liked kids, because he is the only person (now AND even back in the day, in high school) i would ever want to have a kid with. and now, i guess since i'm nearly 30, instinct and biology are creeping in, trying to tell me i should be having babies! quick! before the window closes! and sometimes i find myself thinking, romanticizing this idea of having his baby, because i love him. and i understand where people who want to have kids (haha, i almost reflexively said "breeders," but corrected myself) are coming from. you want your mate tied to you forever. you want this real, walking talking symbol of your love for your partner to exist. you feel that this walking talking symbol of your love is going to bring you even closer together and provide all of these amazing kodak moments in your life. and if it was as simple as that, i would MAYBE be able to forget that pregnancy and childbirth totally destroy your body. but kids are not that simple, and unfortunately i have absolutely negative interest in or desire for doing any of the things required for them. i mean really? the only way i think i could ever realistically picture myself having a kid is with a surrogate carrier and a 24/7 live in nanny after it's born so i don't have to deal with it. so it's kind of frustrating when your body is trying to tell you to do something when your brain totally knows better. but it doesn't stop the thoughts, and it certainly doesn't stop the paranoia. i swear, if i were on the pill on top of my IUD i would still worry. i am a worrier, and so is he. worry consumes our lives. it's hard to live like this. anyway. i have things to do, but i wanted to get this out of my system. babies are my worst nightmare. now that i think about it, i'm going to email or call similac and tell them to please please lose my address. i really don't need anything else to freak me out more than i already am. |