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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
this one big thing about you.
2012-11-12 @ 9:00 p.m.
i write about this absolutely all the time, but as of tonight i have had enough. i have reached my limit, and he will know this tomorrow when he gets home. the falling asleep thing. i am not his keeper, i am not his mom, i am not his personal alarm clock. i'm done with it. every single night, he is falling asleep shortly after dinner. tonight it was 8:15, and he wants this fucking elaborate dessert. i am miserably sick. it was enough that i made an elaborate dinner and didn't tell him to order chinese. it was enough that i was willing to make this dessert with him in the first place, but he said he was going to help me make it. so i come upstairs after he's falling asleep at 8:15, after fighting with him about not fucking falling asleep in the basement, didn't he want the dessert, etc. he says yes and comes upstairs with me, and goes to sit down on the couch!!! which means he's really just coming upstairs to fucking fall back asleep. so i'm like, what are you doing? i thought you were helping me make these? and he's like oh, i am? and i'm like YES, YOU SAID THAT! WHAT THE FUCK! i said i feel like shit, AND i have my period! i don't even want to be doing this in the first place, but i said i would if you were going to help me. so he's like okay, i'm going to go smoke [a cig]. i fucking pack up all the leftovers, put everything in the sink, clean all the counters off, and get everything out to do this dessert, and he comes upstairs and is like, oh. you still need me? like what the fuck man, you really just went down there to smoke so you wouldn't have to DO anything? ugh. so then we discover that we have no eggs, so all was for naught. so we go back into the basement, and he gets up immediately and is like, "well i'm just going right to bed because you're just going to yell at me for falling asleep." and i was like are you fucking serious right now!? YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME NOT TO LET YOU FALL ASLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWHERE BUT IN BED!!!!! WHY AM I GETTING YELLED AT FOR DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO. and i completely forgot to mention that last night he's falling asleep on the couch as usual, and i'm trying to wake him up, and he fucking yells at me for not waking him up forcefully? enough? he's like "yeah maybe you should try a little harder than 'hey, hey please wake up.'" do you know why i started doing that? because i was yelled at for not being NICE ENOUGH when i wake him up. yeah. he didn't like my "tone of voice." that's actually what he said, like months and months ago. so when i was trying to wake him up tonight, before we came upstairs, that's what he was on. i shook his chair really hard and told him to wake up really loudly, and he was like "eww, why are you being so RUDE? why are you being so mean?" WHAT THE FUCK MAN. this is SO annoying to me. so fucking annoying. i am really really really tired of it. tomorrow he's going to hear all of this, exactly as it is here, and if he can't get his fucking attitude together then i'm not waking him up anymore. he'll be on his own. pass out downstairs, upstairs, on the floor, at the table, i don't care. forgot to set your alarm? forgot to clean out or pack up your car? oh well. little A stayed up til midnight eating candy because you fell asleep before you put the bag away? you never set out his clothes for school tomorrow? never charged your ipod before your long day of work tomorrow? sucks. but i am really not about to take any more shit to the face about this. anyway i'm done being riled up. i'm tired as fuck and every part of me hurts. i was laying in bed taking a nap this afternoon because a trip to the grocery store knocked me out, and i was thinking, why is your body allowed to feel so much discomfort at once? like what the fuck, i have some kind of cold or strep or something (my throat feels like i was gargling rocks), AND my uterus is churning, causing my legs and lower back to spasm. it should be only one or the other. i'll even take the more painful of the two. but why oh why both at once. not cool. |