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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
i wonder about a lot of things.
2012-11-11 @ 8:13 p.m.
yeah so when i told boy about what happened the other day on the phone he was completely silent, then just said, "don't worry. you'll have what you need." and i was like, yeah, it was really scary. i really want you to understand that this is pretty urgent. and he was like HEY LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. he was so freaked out. i hated for him to be so worried but it's nice to know that someone would be really upset if you were gone. today we went to this sushi/thai place that we found in the entertainment book, but completely forgot to bring the coupon. duh. but it was an overall average experience because they were hit and miss with the dishes. this one roll we had was unbelievable! like i put a piece in my mouth and felt immediately like whoa! that was a really unusually delicious bite. but then there was a lettuce wrap kind of appetizer that was SO underwhelming, which was such a shame because of the exotic ingredients in it, and some of the other things were pretty good but not great versions of things we always have (you always try your favorite, most ordered dish at a new place to see how it stacks up against the other times you've had it, then you can have a reliable gauge of which place is the best! we totally have an ongoing mental list of top 5 thai, top 5 bbq, top 5 mexican, etc. i know, we're so into food.). so anyway, it was an hour away but we decided it was good enough to go back to to try the rest of the stuff we wanted to try, then it'll go onto the list of places we'll eat if we're in the area, but not make a specific trip for. anyway. the other reason i am writing this is because i was looking on fb the other day, just checking out what my ex was up to. you know, THE ex. i'm sure that i mentioned at some point that he married this girl who was my bff for a long time, who i stopped being friends with because she became a real scumbag for a while, then turned her life around and is now doing awesomely. anyway. i always thought they were a super weird couple knowing both of them, but i figured that her personality was significantly different (she's military now) so that's how it worked. i never liked how spineless and indecisive and like ... directionless? he was when we were together. and now i see on facebook that he has a baby. they have a baby. who is actually kind of cute, and you know i hate babies. and it just got me thinking of a lot of stuff. like, why didn't he want that with me? i know it's a weird thing to think, especially because i don't want kids. and he knew i didn't want kids. so i have always kind of wondered if that's why, deep down somewhere that we broke up? or was it simply that he didn't know what he wanted with regard to anything, and now that he has someone to give him direction, he's just falling right into it? he was so immature!!! when we were together. in SO many ways. so like, i just sometimes think, maybe the question isn't why didn't he want that with me so much as, how was he able to pull himself together? like, why couldn't he, or wouldn't he, grow up for me? and i am sure that i just heard the collective sigh of like, most women in the world, so that always leads me back to the conclusion that, some people just grow up when they're ready, and he wasn't ready. not that i miss him at all. i really don't. i still have his number, and i could send him a message on fb saying hi. we used to keep in touch. but the last time i talked to him, he was just so ... soulless? he didn't have any of the same hobbies anymore, and i know everyone changes, but he was a completely different person. it felt like he had no depth. you know how some people are told to put away their childish things, and they lock them so far away that you'd never know they ever played? he was just ... all business. i don't do that anymore. i don't talk to any of those people. i work. we suddenly had nothing in common, nothing to talk about, and i had no idea who he was anymore. or had i ever? |