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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
how soon is now?
2012-12-22 @ 10:50 a.m.
i'm sitting here, hitting the bong and finishing up my christmas crafting for boy. two of the items i have made came out amazing. like perfect. like you could find either of these in a store and pay a lot of money for them. they don't look "handmade" (artists, let's not even get into the debate behind using that phrase. you know what i mean), particularly the one item that i am currently working on that i can only describe as a labor of love. so, for christmas, or perhaps my 2013 resolution, will be to stop being so unsure of myself. stop being afraid. sell myself. i KNOW my stuff measures up. i KNOW that i have a great eye AND an attention to detail. i can really do it if i stop being so afraid of failure. i know i say all of this all the time, but i feel like things are getting down to the wire. boy came home last night telling me that the union is surely done in the not too distant future. it's all a sham, and unless you know somebody, you will never ever get ahead. and furthermore, he hates the drama and the politics. and further furthermore? this is already the most densely populated state in the country. there's only so much more space to build things. unless people start settling further and further south (they won't; the trip to the city is too far from here), there will be a point where construction slows to a trickle (unless in the grand scheme of things we are already at that point). so in conclusion, he needs to find another line of work. and preferably, one that is less backbreaking. we need to pursue our dreams. we've realized the secret to success: you need to MAKE your own happiness, and you need to be smart. creative. you can't play by the rules and follow the conventional path if you don't want to spend your life being a slave to "the man." i know it sounds so hippie of me, but it's true. i realized when i was teaching that i was miserable, it was thankless, and that even though there is the illusion of progress, it's just an illusion. it was like: yay, next year i get a $3,000 raise according to the pay scale. that's cool until i get my check and realize that i'm put in a different tax bracket and end up with only $16 extra dollars in each check. that's $384 a year. what happened to the other $2,600ish dollars? poof. things have to change. I have to change. i know i can do anything i want to ... if i want to. it is always the fear, and the doubt. the depression. but how long will i allow it to rule my life? |