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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
yes, they were happy holidays.
2012-12-27 @ 6:15 p.m.
it seems like the past week went by in a flash. i don't even know where to begin. i guess i'll begin at saying that i made the executive decisions that 1) the week leading up to christmas must now be scheduled, tightly. and 2) that on alternating years, we will arrive at my grandmother's house in time for dinner, no earlier. when it's just boy and i, then it's okay (but super annoying) to wake up early and drive up there. but when little A is here, we're doing our own christmas at my house and we'll get there when we get there, and they can start without us if they want. there was just so much running around! like the 2 days right before christmas day are when best friend and cousin come over and we bake these insane cookie trays. like bakery production volume. so on those two days there is no time to run around and grab last minute stuff. we tried that, but it just ended up in us being up super late and being extra exhausted for the 12+ hour second day of cookies. so now i know that every thing that i need to do must be done before we get into that, because we only hurt ourselves when we don't. but anyway. we finished all of the baking on christmas eve, then my brother and his new girlfriend stayed over and went up with us to my mom's on christmas morning. boy and i woke up at 9:30 or something but we were still so tired. we got up, boy went to the store because my mom forgot to get something (also SO ANNOYING! no trying to find an open store on christmas day anymore!), and by time i was done with my goodmorning merry christmas calls to close family, it was time to hurry up and get dressed and leave. once we were there we were running around trying to get my dishes cooked. then we ran over to my grandmother's house, everyone was so confused because someone decided last year that we weren't doing gifts anymore but everyone still got their favorite people something, and ate, and then it was nighttime and time to run back home. ugh! it was more tiresome than fun and festive. boy took yesterday off of work because he decided that family is more important than the job he hates. that was the christmas experience we wanted to have. we stayed in our PJs all day, we all opened our presents together, and boy gave me the sweetest card. he said offhandedly a couple of weeks ago when he was running to the pharmacy, "the card is a gift in and of itself," and i was like ooh! what could it be? but it was so sweet, generally saying, "one day, you came into my life and now it will never be the same. you're special and i am thinking of you always." he added a little bit, and ... sigh. so many feelings. this is a slight tangent but my cousin was asking all kinds of questions about the relationship, because i was finally talking about how stressed and frustrated i've been lately. and she's like, well yeah. you went from single person to "married" mom of a super difficult kid in like ... 2 seconds. it's a pretty huge adjustment. and i was like dude? thank you for understanding me on this. my life just really didn't go in the direction i had planned, at all. and i was just so happy that she's so cool all the time, and that for as little as we hang out, i can always count her as one of my best friends. and she's just so outgoing and personable and carefree. you know those people who are just like wooooo! i go where life takes me and that doesn't scare me at all!! she rubs off on me. she likes to laugh and not worry about shit. stop being in a bad mood! okay. let's dance. that's cousin, and i am happy to have her. so anyway. she was asking all of these questions and i was telling her about all of the hard stuff and she was like, well you and boy sound great though. and i said yeah, if it weren't for him i'd be dead in a ditch somewhere. he aggravates the shit out of me sometimes, but now that we're back together, neither of us can imagine any alternative. he is my perfect other in this world. when a problem comes to us and we need to discuss it*, the discussion always begins with, "you're my favorite and i want to be with you forever, so we need to figure this out." that's what i appreciate and love about him, that he isn't afraid to let me or anyone else know that it's us. because also yesterday (i'm jumping around a lot here but things kind of fit together differently than i had planned), after we had opened everything and were together in the bedroom alone for a minute, he hugged me nice and hard and told me that i was the best present any man could ask for. ugh, i know, if i were you i'd be groaning for me to shut the hell up already too. but this shit happens, and it's pretty much the best. he is truly something. but this scene is what i was alluding to back there when i was saying that there were just so many feelings. just over a week ago i was having a really bad week, feeling so low. then it turned into rush and exhaustion, then this overwhelming warmth and love. the love one is so new to me, love like this. it's so good. so amazing and good. where the hell was i. so yes, after that totally awesome second christmas morning, boy went out and grabbed some food for lunch and dinner and we -------------- totally had to walk away from writing this and could not return until today, 12/28. boy grabbed that food and we spent the rest of the day chilling out super hard. the men started building this totally ridiculous lego castle my mom got for little A (it seriously has two full manuals of instructions and 7 separate bags of bricks. it's a massive project!) and i snuggled up on the couch and did some knitting. i kept looking up and seeing boy looking at me, smiling, and finally i was like ... what?? and he said, "i think it's so neat that you know how to do that stuff. you make it look so easy." of course i felt so awwwww about it because it's so nice to have someone appreciate all of my old lady hobbies and skills and not just be like ... why don't you just buy one? but of course, this is the same man who handmade me a framed, cross-stitched christmas present a few years ago. in conclusion, he's the best. * back to this. on the day before christmas eve, best friend was supposed to be over in the afternoon to start baking but she called and said she was going to be like 3 hours early. and i was like no!!! boy had fallen asleep the night before but we both pretty much knew the next morning as soon as we woke up and drank coffee that we were going to try to do it before everyone got here. so i went upstairs and went to the bathroom and i come out and boy is sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs all jacked open, and i was like hey, guess what. best friend said she's going to be here in like ... 10 minutes. and he was all pissed off about it, and i said, i know. so am i. and he says, you know, i'm really getting tired of having the sex life of a 65 year old man. and i was like, uh yeah. i know. please stop falling asleep on the couch every single night. and he was like, well you need to come on to me more often. i said i would if you didn't seem like you were on a different planet half the time. and he said, well i hate work, and i can't stop thinking about work. but having my cock in your mouth might help me keep my mind off of it. and i said, i would love to do that more often, but sometimes i'm so depressed and feeling so shitty about myself that i can't even think about getting turned on. and he told me that i have absolutely no reason to feel that way as far as he's concerned. i'm amazing, carry on. so i laughed and said that we both need to make it a priority. and if not actual sex, just being and feeling sexy. because that's something that makes us both happy. yes there's laundry to do and dishes to clean, but they can wait. our lives are going to pass us by. and along that same vein, this conversation also included a lot about how we're both going to actively pursue what will make us happy and fulfilled in life. he found out some information about how to move up in the union, and it turns out that it's all about who you know, and how willing you are to repeat any lies they tell you to. it's not about the good of the common man, it's about the good of those at the top whose pockets are lined. the more willing you are to do "whatever it takes," the higher up you'll move. but it comes with a heavy cost. can you look a man in the eyes and tell him not to worry, more work is coming! when you know he is losing his home and his kids will have nothing to eat, but when you also know that there is work right now, but those positions have been saved for "friends"? can you say that to the same guy who has paid his $1000 a year just like everyone else, but who doesn't have the same chance as everyone else? that's what the behind the scenes looks like in his industry, and it disgusts him. and the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he can't be that guy. he can't do that in good conscience. so i told him, if you can't do that, then you need to find another career because you will never be able to move up. you will always be at the mercy of those guys, and you will never ever have job stability. some really great talks have been had lately. we're really starting to figure out what exactly we need, and what things must be made a priority. it feels really great. i'm going to keep my hopes up that a dark spell doesn't come over me and ruin my motivation. so yeah, i think that's all that i can remember right now. i just got this email from a mailing list i belong to about building your small business, and it was maybe the third of a series about trying to figure out where you're going wrong and what to do. and this one was all about overcoming your psychological blocks that are holding you back from success. and as i read through all of them, i realized, um. this is me. self-sabotage. wasn't it my resolution last year to stop doing that? i failed at a lot of things this year, but i'm trying, i'm trying. oh and also, best friend brought her kid over to help with baking both days, and though 90% of the time i was pretty annoyed that there was a toddler hanging on my leg, 10% of the time he was pretty adorable and kind of fun. i thought it was extra cute that he kept asking me to hold his hand and walk with him places. so best friend hears him one time and is like !!! he never asks anyone to hold his hand but me. and i said, well he knows we're secretly twins. then the last day just a little before she was about to leave, i walk into the kitchen holding him, and she's like what's going on!? and he said, i wanted [tinea] to pick me up. and she said he never asks anyone to do that either, wtf. i said, he knows i'm his brown mom. and he chimes in, yeah! the brown one! haha! i can't deny that it was adorable. and watching boy with little kids is so cute. he loves being silly like that. but i really don't have the patience or desire. maybe someday. i do think a lot about adopting when we are way older. little asian babies! asian babies are so cute that i could probably take one right now and the cuteness would make up for all of the annoying. HAHA! let me leave on this note: a sexy moment on this show in the background is this couple feeding each other chicken fingers. what? |