| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
nothing in here has anything to do with anything else.
2013-01-19 @ 9:09 p.m.
i keep coming on here to write something but i really can't think of what i want to say. i'm so tired, so exhausted from being worried. i'm not as worried as i was yesterday but those scary thoughts bubble to the top easily for me, i fight them back, and then i am drained. but boy got home at regular time tonight, we had a really nice dinner together, and i just had a huge bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. things like that make me feel a little bit better. oh and how could i forget? boycat snuggles all day made both of us feel a little bit better. boy is actually off tomorrow, like completely off of all works. which i am delighted about because little A is spending the night at his mom's tomorrow too since he's off on monday. SO HAPPY. he's just like ... so much. i say it all the time. but i was talking to best friend a couple weeks ago and she was like, people who are like that are hell for super anxious people, but talking about something else, and i was like omg, i am so happy you know what i mean when i say that. i always feel like i'm being a real dick, but it's not just me. some people just have a low tolerance. so like, did anyone else see lance armstrong being the hugest douche of all time the other night? i really don't follow him, i just have a friend from high school who's hugely into cycling, so i was constantly updated on the lance saga as it began to unfold earlier last year. when i heard about the interview, i was really interested since i knew all of the background, and definitely didn't feel let down. it was compelling, but in that trainwreck way. i was just watching it thinking, WOW! this guy is really something! like if he had just come on there and been like, you know what? i did it because i really wanted to win. i wanted to make a lot of money, i wanted to do this foundation, and i was so driven to do that that i would do anything it took. i think if he had come at us that way, it would have been kind of like, oh. well, that's human. who doesn't think about cheating their way to the top? but he wasn't like that. he was so cold and unapologetic and absolutely remorseless. oprah asked if he was truly sorry or if he was just mad he got caught. he brushed off the question by saying, "well who ISN'T mad that they got caught?" and laughed! like with the way he said it, and his body language toward oprah, he might as well have added, "DUH!" to the end of that. and then as he was laughing, you can almost see him thinking, oh shit. i'm supposed to be remorseful right now. look sad! look sad! the guy's a sociopath. seriously. like he never just looks at the camera and says, i'm sorry everyone. to everyone watching this. i shouldn't have done it. he NEVER says he shouldn't have done it. just repeats over and over how badly he feels for himself for having to endure this shitstorm. and how much better of a guy he is now because of it. unbelievable. psychology professors around the country should be analyzing this guy in class. i'm not going to keep rambling on about this because i'm sure i'm the only one who cares, but the one moment i found particularly disturbing was when he was talking about coming back out of retirement (after winning the tour de france 7 times in a row, on drugs). oprah asked if he expected to win that comeback, which he rode clean. he said, of course i expected to win. i always did. and she asks why he came in 3rd, and he says he thought he was coming back "into a clean sport. onto a level playing field." implying that NO ONE could beat the great lance unless they were on drugs. i mean jesus christ, guy. your ego is literally bulging out of your ears. people like that are scary. so i haven't been working out at all, and while i was super depressed for that period of time, i was feeding my depression with carbs and kind of gained some weight back. it's only like 5-10 lbs depending on my hydration, and i look totally the same, but i can see that i lost some muscle in my legs and gained it back as fat. not really happy about that. i carry most of my weight in my hips and thighs, so i can always tell immediately when i gain anything because my pants become hard to get into. next week i'm going to start back on a routine, just for fat loss and muscle maintenance. my legs and glutes will pop back out once i start squatting again. i'm totally not in the mood to work out, and i really don't feel like doing it, but i know that once i start doing it i'll feel so good. like, the post-workout high they speak of does exist. especially after heavy lifting. i feel like i could kill a bear with just my hands and teeth. but then after a couple of weeks when i start looking extra ripped, it's awesome too. and besides. though i am kind of happy where i am, my goal is a good 40 lbs lighter. maybe only 20. i have to see how i look first. it's hard to tell when you're just trying to recomposition. i just want to feel tight and hard and strong again, not so lazy and floppy and weak and exhausted. come on, body. i'm the boss of you. here's another thing. how the hell do you shop? is there a system for this? like i have never been into this kind of thing, but now that i have to get a lot of new clothes, i am so nervous that i'm going to get stuff that isn't versatile. i just feel like i never have anything to wear, despite my walk-in closet being absolutely packed. like i have some shirts, some pants (both dress and work), couple nice tops, and cardigans and sweatshirts. but i always will find one thing that i want to wear, and nothing that matches it. or nothing that fits over it correctly (like some shirts are SO BUNCHY under a sweater. so uncomfortable!). or i'll have one piece that i really like, but it's a weird piece and i never wear it because it's only appropriate for certain settings. i think i need to sit down and make a list of exactly what things i need to replace. which things will take me through all seasons? sorry about this long ramblefest but boy passed out like 3 hours ago so i've just been sitting here thinking. maybe more snacks. i feel like i could use some chocolate. i'd better rein this carb addiction in before i get started working out again. no desire to add in more cardio than i already have to do. |