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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
also, i can't stop listening to billy ocean.
2013-01-25 @ 11:44 a.m.
when boy started this new side job i was pretty upset because he is barely home and awake as it is with his regular job, so i knew that adding 3-4 days a week of work on top of that were going to be killer for all involved. and they have been. little A is just ... exhausting in every single way. the best i can describe it is as though i were taking care of someone with dementia full-time. he pretty much can't do anything for himself. his adhd is so bad that he literally cannot remember anything. listening to him trying to form a sentence is excruciating for all involved. he can't find any words, he's like thinking and trying to speak so frantically that he's practically panting, all while being this huge, loud cloud of frenetic energy that's just kicking its legs, throwing itself onto the floor, gyrating uncontrollably. doing simple tasks takes at least three times as long as it would take a normal person, with constant verbal repetition of what exactly we're doing. all of this is frustrating in and of itself, but then of course you have to toss in the facts that he's fucking 9 years old, but has the attitude of a 13 year old (because his mom lets him do whatever he wants and watch teenager shows on tv so he thinks it's okay to act like that), no friends because he's too lazy to walk outside (no really.) so he's constantly inserted into my asshole when he's home because there's nothing else to do and he can't amuse himself with his literally $1500 worth of toys that he received this christmas alone!, and has no ability to actually have a conversation with a person because he hangs out with no one but his mom. the other fun (and by fun, i mean mindblowingly goddamn fucking annoying and aggravating) bonus with him is that he constantly replies, "i know!!" to everything, when he, in fact, has NO IDEA. the reason that this is the fucking worst is for two reasons: 1) if you really did know, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now! you would have already brushed your teeth/called your mom/cleaned your plate off/picked up your stuff/turned off the light/anything. there is not one single time that this kid has put on a pair of jeans and remembered to zip them. so, he walks out of the bathroom, pants unzipped just like every single day he wears pants, and you say, "make sure you zip your pants," and he says, "i know!!" with this fucking attitude. NO YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW OR I WOULDN'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO BE ALIVE! FUCK! 2) this kid says he knows everything. he insists that he knows about elaborate things that he absolutely does not (the other day he told me he totally knows how to replace a roof). he also insists that he knows simple things that he does not, as i just illustrated with the pants. some people hear about this and think, well he's a kid! he's just making up stories! he's trying to impress! but the problem is that it's impossible to help him when he really doesn't know something when he's sitting there, staring at something, demanding that he does know!! sometimes finishing his homework will take 6 hours. he doesn't read the directions, and if he does half the time he doesn't understand what they're saying because he has no reading comprehension (remember we found out his reading level is 1st grade). so he'll just stand there and say, "i don't get this." now, his goal here is to get us to get annoyed and just tell him the answer so he doesn't have to do it. but we know that's what he wants, so we'll explain the problem, give him examples, restate it differently, ask leading questions, etc. etc. so much. i know how to do it. i was a teacher. i went to years of school for this. but there is a time limit in the classroom for these things. at home, we will do all of these things, go through all of these steps SO PATIENTLY, and we'll say, "so do you understand? can you do it on your own?" and he'll say "yeah!" in the attitudey, like shut up and leave me alone way, and then he'll go in and do it wrong again. sigh. so there's that, which just makes me want to kill myself. seriously. some days i just stand there thinking that i am going to just rip my clothes off and scream and tear apart my house. and those are just those things. i would be sitting here into the night if i started describing the million other things. i won't. because when i feel like that, like i'm about to lose it, i remember how amazing and wonderful boy is. i don't physically see him as much, but we're so close. sex is now once a week at best, which we're both very unhappy about, but we know it's just for now while he's doing this job. when we have managed to do it, it's been incredible. like poetry, birds singing, fireworks, rainbows. unicorn dust. i swear, last time we did it i thought i was going to die it was so awesome. but what i'm finding so amazing and soul nourishing is the fact that we've been talking so much lately. and trust me. we ALWAYS talk. we talk a lot. but these conversations are deeper, about our questioning of where we are in life, and what we truly want, what will fulfill us, and what kind of people we are. the last thing comes up a lot especially now that we have a kid to worry about and all that stuff going on with the union. though i don't really enjoy the pressure, and the constant worrying about whether we're making the right choices, and blah blah blah, i love sharing, and being understood, and being appreciated. and missed. coming upon my phone and finding a little "miss you" text. it's been a while. so, you know. i was trying my hardest to avoid being super negative but i was feeling pretty bummed yesterday (although remembering that heart story made me laugh), and this morning it's all dark and gloomy and bitter cold. it's going to snow later. i'm pretty excited about that. snuggling in with boy, sexy night, then listening to the snow fall on the roof outside our window. i'll take the little things when i can get them. |