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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
on cooking, crying, wtf, and trying to get happy.
2013-03-22 @ 8:19 a.m.
as you may or may not know, i can cook and bake my ass off, and i do, very often. i make dinner 4-5 nights a week, always fully from scratch (except for pasta and a couple other things - when the day comes that i have a pasta attachment for my mixer, it's over). so yesterday we were having epic leftover night and i thought it would be awesome to have some cornbread with it. i usually buy a box of jiffy and doctor it up (add 1/4 cup honey, 1/3 cup sour cream, 2 Tbsp - 1/4 cup sugar depending on how sweet you like it; use warm milk and eggs, let it rise 15 minutes before baking), but since i bought a huge sack of cornmeal a while back i figured i'd just make it from scratch. i just googled "sweet moist cornbread recipe," and went with a "sweet moist honey cornbread" recipe that had like five 5-star reviews. little A was interrupting me every 2 seconds, so i just printed it out and started making it without really reading it. as i was putting everything together, i was thinking to myself, hm. it's weird that there's no salt or butter in this. why did it call for this kind of oil? it's sweet cornbread but there's only 1/4 cup of sugar?? but despite my misgivings, i pressed on and cooked it up. when i took it out of the oven, it was absolutely beautiful. the color was a deep golden brown, and the texture was moist as promised. but when i took a bite ... it tasted like shit! it wasn't just not good, it was actually gross. it's SO rare that i say that about anything. when i told boy and little A, they were like, what? something YOU made is gross? no way. so i made everybody try it, thinking maybe it was just my tastebuds because i'm still a little bit sick. but no, it was just nasty ass cornbread. ugh. i was so mad that i wasted the ingredients on it, especially my good honey i got from the farmer's market. luckily, as soon as i tasted how nasty it was (boy had been in the shower and little A was upstairs finishing homework when it first came out of the oven), i immediately looked up another recipe and started making it so everyone didn't have to wait for me to eat (i was having different leftovers which required the cornbread to round out the meal). the second one was much, MUCH better. in conclusion, trust your gut while cooking. if you're making something and you think, wtf is this? you're probably right. i'm baking the first loaf of shit and i'm thinking, why is everything that makes food delicious missing from this recipe? i should have stopped right there! i wasn't afraid to start over, though, so all ended up well. this morning i went downstairs to clean up the basement some more and i got really sad. boycat and i used to play down there all the time. in fact, if i even walked into the basement, he would often come running. he was my workout buddy too. i'd be sweating it out, falling all over myself, struggling to lift heavy weights, and i look down and there was boycat, stretched across my entire area. i'm screaming at tony horton on the tv, and boycat is screaming back in response. i miss him so much. there's just so much missing from my life right now. i keep cleaning the house, trying to distract myself from this huge void, because putting my mind elsewhere lessens the aching of my heart, a little bit. it looks great in here for the most part. and how many times have i said, "i'm going to start working out next week?" but i'm going to say it again, because i can't keep sitting here feeling like this. i talked to my brother earlier and told him how horrible i've been feeling, and he said that everyone feels the same way. he told his friends T and L (a couple) who have been over a few times (we usually see each other at my mom's or my granny's house around holidays rather than my house) and who had met and loved boycat, and they were really saddened too. brother said he's also getting a boycat tattoo next time he goes down there. so many people really loved this guy. though it feels so terrible and so raw to me, it really touches me that other people cared about him so much and i'm so happy that i got to have him in my life. before i go. i have been watching dr. phil in the mornings while i do computer stuff because it's the only show that's remotely interesting that i haven't seen like every single episode of already. there's one on today about dudes who abuse their wives (the episode was really about drew peterson but the second half is about abusive dudes). this guy is sitting here right now, admitting that he said, "the only way to get amanda (wife) to bow down (WTF!??) was to give her a 'shut up bitch' slap," that he's grabbed her wrist so hard that he was trying to crush her bones, that he's hit her, verbally abused her, took off driving so fast in his pickup with her in the back, WHILE SHE'S PREGNANT, almost killed her by flipping the truck, and oh just for fun, he's told her that he's going to kill her and bury her body where no one would find it, and she refused to go camping with him one weekend because she was so afraid that he was planning to kill her and hide her body that weekend. oh and also also, they have a kid together who gets to witness all of this stuff. the wife had tried to leave this guy a couple of times and went to his mother for a place to stay and help, and this mother seriously was telling her to stay together FOR THEIR DAUGHTER (WTFFF@???!?!OI@#)I)$I!>??), and that "he is not abnormally violent at all." bitch, are you fucking serious. on what planet does any woman really think that this is remotely acceptable behavior in any way, shape, or form. i know that a lot of women stay with their abusers. but that is not my point here. MY point is that this guy's mother thinks that this is NORMAL BEHAVIOR. he is not "abnormally violent"?? people are normally violent?????? there's a normal level of violence that it's okay to get to, but you can't go beyond that point?? what are you talking about!! omfg. i can't even handle planet earth sometimes. like really get me out of here. on a more cheerful note, because i really want to just die, boy and i are going to have an awesome weekend. i was going to end on that dr. phil shit but that's too depressing. anyway. the weather is supposed to be pretty nice, but extra cold, so we're probably going to drive around, then find a super nice place to eat. he's trying so hard to make me happy. i appreciate it so much. and it's wonderful that we still miss each other so much during the week. i was saying last night before dinner, "i can't wait until saturday!" and he said, "i know. i love hanging out with you too." that's just what i need sometimes. i think, that's really what love is. knowing without having to ask what the other person needs. but anyway. i'm going to look up something delightful to do on saturday. hopefully there's a festival or something cool going on somewhere in the state. i want to take pictures out of the window, do some thrifting, and laugh. then, delicious dinner. then on sunday we're just going to sit around, smoke pot, eat food, and have sex. that's pretty much the best weekend i can imagine. goodbye, so soon. |