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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
all i can do.
2013-04-04 @ 6:20 p.m.
i went out with best friend today, shopping. i saved my christmas money for the spring, so i could get some dresses and kind of mid-weight things that could go both spring and summer with varying amounts of layering. we met and went to bobby flay's burger place for lunch (second time there, loved it again) and then headed to old navy and stuff. i got a couple of these super light stretchy, kind of a blend of knit and spandex? striped dresses (duh why don't i just link them instead of poorly describing them?), which were super flattering. i've been incredibly bloated this week (period) so i was really glad that they looked awesome despite me being at my puffiest. so like i was telling her about all of this shitty shit that's been going on and that was about to go on. like boy's license is going to be suspended AGAIN, and we had to go to dmv court and do all of this shit, which i don't even think i remembered to write about because of all that stuff with boycat. so instead of 90(!) days suspended, it's 15, starting saturday. i was like cool, so now i have to not only drive you to work (get up at 4am, drive between 1.5-2.5 hours each way twice daily), but also we have to figure out what to do with little A because no day care opens at 5am (on average when we'd have to leave the house). like this is super disruptive and really inconvenient for everyone. but i'm telling best friend this and at first, before she heard the whole situation, she's like, so what's he going to do? drive on his suspended license? and i was like no man, he'd get arrested if he was pulled over! I have to drive him! and she's like what!?!? i wouldn't do that. and i just laughed, and i said, what are you talking about? there's no other option. and she says, well he'd have to make arrangements because if i was in your same situation and i was home all day i still wouldn't do it. and i was just like, what?? and she's like, "what has [boy] done for you lately?" and i was just so confused by that question, because i was like ... everything? he goes out and works and makes the majority of the household income. i take care of everything on the home front. it's an equal partnership. he's ... here. he's my partner. i thought it was so weird that that was her stance on it. how could - or is it why would? - you refuse to do something that would completely fuck over your family? she has a kid. if she was a stay at home mom she would just refuse to drive her husband to work? and lose two weeks of income? like .... what? so as we were walking around, i was just telling her of my frustrations with like ... everything. how hard boy works and how badly he wants to get out but it's so hard to find an opening, how he lashes out in his exhaustion and sleep deprivation and i'm left both insulted but hanging as far as little A some nights, little A's completely frustrating and rage inducing age inappropriate behavior, and his mother constantly undermining boy because (this is a quote, which i overheard her saying on the phone, arguing with boy about why he grounded little A for the lying/homework fiasco) "i'm his friend first and his mom second, and when i try to punish him he gets mad at me. i want him to like me," and how i'm so depressed and lonely because of all of these really stressful and hard things happening, and i used to have my little best friend to go to when i was feeling sad, and now i have no one. and she just said, you seem really agitated. really angry. and i said well yeah. a lot of days i feel like a single parent without the financial burden. it's something that i never wanted, and circumstances have put me here. it's incredibly frustrating. after we shopped and i came home, i texted boy to ask if we could just get fast food for dinner. i want to hang out with him sometimes, you know? like we see each other nightly and have dinner together, but he usually falls asleep right afterwards, and if he doesn't, we get to have sex but only that one night a week! because one night of missed sleep is enough to fuck him up for the whole week. but i digress, as usual. he said yeah to the fast food, and had to go because his boss was calling. he called to say that boy would be laid off tomorrow afternoon, so we were like holy shit yes, we don't have to figure out what to do with little A next week, or do the driving, or any of that mess. total sigh of relief. and he's telling me all about the things that we need to get accomplished while he's off, and how happy we are to finally have some time together. and then he's saying yeah, i know you're really depressed. i know you haven't been telling me how bad you've been feeling because i have so much to worry about with work, but i know. i can tell. i know you don't want to talk about how upset you are about boycat but i know. he was a huge part of your life. and he was a huge part of mine too, but not nearly as much as you. i understand. and my voice was kinda shaky, and i just laughed and said, "you've really got my number." and he says, yeah. i know you better than anyone else. and i said yeah, i'm just so lonely without him. it's so hard to get used to. and he said that he knows, but we're going to put in work and change things. you and i, this time, things coming together the way they have ... it's all meant to be. this is what is supposed to be happening right now. it has to be. why else would we stumble back together after a decade? why would i, the most shallow man on earth, who has never ever ever! been with - or would have considered being with - anyone as big as you were, look at you after the first day and say to myself, 'yeah, i can see it'? why would i do that if there wasn't something special about US? and he knows when i'm choked up, too, and he knows what to say, and he says, you don't look good (as in, well) right now. you don't exude that light that you usually do. you've been so inside of yourself. it's springtime. i want you to come out. i want you to feel better. i said, that's why i went shopping today. wearing cute clothes and looking nice does make me feel better. it's satisfying, after 5-7 years of not being able to fit into regular clothes (as in, being able to shop off the rack), to pick something up and wear it and look new and fresh and cute. he said, yeah, i'm glad to see you in dresses more often too. when we were at my dad's, he was shocked to see me in a dress. he actually said when he saw me, "whoa, [tinea] in a dress right now? you look great! you look like a 50's housewife! how did this happen?" and i told him it was all boy's fault, and he said to boy, "hey man. you're doing a great job." i thought that was funny, and boy was happy to pat himself on the back about it, but not smugly. he said, even your dad said you look great. whatever scars, fat, imperfections that you see? i don't see. i think you look great. i want you to feel great too. i've been carrying around so much stress and worry, and when he said that, so much of it was lifted. i withdraw, i go inside, i close up when i am sad. it sits on my chest and i am unable to breathe. but boy said all of these things, and he got in. the guy before boy, the one who really fucked me up, told me one day that i was "cold." i've always hung on to that. it's one of those things that has always always bothered me. he and i had so much in common, and i thought we were so similar personality wise, but i remember when he said that - and still, now - i realize that he never truly understood me. like you know when you're talking to someone and you describe something, and they're like, yes! yes! and then when you get to the last thing, they're like oh. i thought you were talking about something else. that's how i felt about our relationship after he said that, and it was so ... isolating? i guess that's the best word for it. so for boy to tell me everything i was feeling, especially when i had been trying so hard to hide it, was this amazing, freeing, heartwarming, comforting ... i don't even know all of the words i want to use. but my heart just felt so much better. there's just a feeling of finally, someone knows when i am inside of myself, crying for help. someone understands my language. he's not a feelings guy so i'm always the one to bring these things up, but i was just so happy. finally. it's so hard being the way i am. if you're reading this, you know the exact feeling. people like us are different. when you have a secret world inside of you that no one has ever known how to get into, a world that is so vastly different from the terrible reality of life, it's hard. i don't know how to act sometimes. i don't know what to do. and then one day, the door opens and there is boy, his hand outstretched, saying, here. let's do this together. sigh. all i can do is say thank you. wrote this last night, didn't press done until today. |