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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
just some stuff.
2013-05-02 @ 6:55 p.m.
i had written this huge piece of something the other day, i don't even remember what i was writing about. then my browser refreshed in the night, i guess, and it's all gone now. brother is having huge problems with his new girlfriend, which is a super shame, because i like her. we all do. she's the first one that i didn't have to LEARN to like, you know? (except for this one girl years ago. i hung out with the two of them and we all went to chilis and by the end of the night my brother said that HE was on the one who felt like the 3rd wheel. ha! that girl was so fucking sexy and sooooooo funny though.) but anyway. new girlfriend is just not pulling her weight, man. she's borrowing tons and tons of money from my brother and never paying him back, never cleans up after herself, never helps out with housework. he says it's really the fact that she's just so inconsiderate that's the problem for him. he picked up another day at work so he could be able to afford to help her out all the time (he's currently paying all of her household bills (what they owe my dad for the furniture they bought when they moved in, rent, and utilities), and also puts gas in her car multiple times weekly. so this guy works 6 days a week, makes barely half of what she makes (seriously, she makes $22/hour and he makes $13), is totally broke because of her, and has to come home to a totally torn up kitchen, disgustingly dirty bathroom, and no laundry done. he's like, come on. help me out here. that's all he wants! isn't that fair?? he and i have had many conversations about compromise in a relationship, and leaning on each other, and i said, tell her about how boy and i work together. explain to her how things ... work. there's no better way to say it. with us, boy makes most of the money, so i do most of the housework and childcare. like ... my brother wants to marry this girl. he's not just thinking, oh, this is my girlfriend. he thinks in terms of hello, this is my potential wife. so to him, it's not just an issue of "i'm mad the garbage isn't taken out." it's an issue of, 10 years from now, when we live together in an apartment or house of our own, and maybe even have a kid or two to take care of, am i going to be the only one who takes care of them? will i have to come home from a 12 hour shift at work, having woken up at 5am, and have to clean the entire house and make dinner? AND pay all the bills, AND give her money because she blew all of her own? it's not fair. it really isn't. so who knows what's going on. yesterday he was at the end of his rope and told me that he was going to have the serious talk with her - you know, the ultimatum. it's really sad because they've had this same exact fight literally 20 times, and she won't change. my mom called me last night to ask if i had been talking with him through this, and i said yeah. we both said that the real issue is this. forget the nature of all of the fights. it could be a disagreement about anything. my brother could be totally wrong. it doesn't matter which side is right or wrong. what matters is this: if you see that something, anything that you're doing is causing your partner - a person who you supposedly love and want to spend your entire life with, remember - a great deal of frustration, anger, distress, sadness, any negative emotion. you see that something you're doing is causing someone you love to feel this way. wouldn't you want to STOP doing that? it doesn't matter what it is! who knows. "i love waking up and farting really loud first thing in the morning." okay, but your loud morning farts really upset your partner for whatever reason. is it worth your RELATIONSHIP to keep doing it? is it?? speaking of relationships, best friend is trying to move to the city now. she says that the new apartment is like $50 cheaper per month, but she works over here, so she's adding at least 2 more trips over the bridge per week, which equals out to at least $10 more per week, which by the end of the month negates the savings. after i worked all that out in the 2 seconds after she told me about it, she was like, well it's not about the money anyway, it's just where i need to be. and i was like, that's cool dude. whatever. she needs to be part of something. she needs to fit in really badly, and her image of herself is a city living hipster, so that's what she's going to do. i hope it makes her happy. i don't think it's going to, though, because as the conversation progressed, i began to realize that she's not really moving there for herself at all. she's moving there because nice guy boyfriend is moving 3 blocks away from the apartment she's trying to get. she feels so insulted that he'd rather live in an apartment full of strangers for $200 a month than with her and her kid for free, and it really seems to me that she's just trying to move there to be able to say, "wow, doesn't that shoebox you're paying for suck? why don't you just move in with me? i live in basically the same neighborhood." i think she's just really having a hard time accepting the end of this relationship. finally, she finds a decent guy and this is how it turns out. i understand, but i think this is a bad move. he left the relationship open, like maybe again after we've spent some time apart. if she moves down the street like that? it'll just look creepy. so, about me. not much. i had some really bad days thinking about boycat. i had a dream that he was in and it was so amazing. in my dreams, everything is extremely vivid. they're really real. so in the dream, i touched his beautiful, thick fur, and felt his body, and he was as he was before he got so sick and skinny. he was stocky and strong, as i remember him. it was just a couple of strokes, in passing, just as i had quickly petted him a million times before. but i woke up and remembered he wasn't here and it just broke my heart. it's breaking my heart to write about this right now. i can't even tell you how much i miss that guy. my little man in a cat suit. i try so hard to think about happy things, happy memories with him. and as he was losing so much weight, getting so tired, so weak, at least i got to hold him every day. he always loved for me to pick him up and carry him around. he always loved to be held. but as he got sicker and sicker, he never wanted me to put him down. so i always said, okay. so for that, i am happy. he knew his mama loved him. i was looking through my phone the other day and found a picture of him laying against my leg in bed, and he's leaning on the tattoo of himself. it's so perfect. i hope that one day i can find a buddy who's even half as great as he was. i guess, to keep myself thinking positively, i just have to be patient. after high school, i was sure i'd never find anyone that i loved like i loved boy. and in those really bleak years while i was teaching, i just felt so hopeless. living alone, at a job i hated that i felt really pressured into, just me and boycat. i just assumed that i would be miserable forever, alone, having sex with strangers on craigslist because i was fat and a novelty and no one wants to be with a girl who is fat, they either want a girl or a fat girl.* but look what happened. and here we are now, and life is so great. so even though i'm really really hurting now, i'm going to have to believe that it'll get better. and one day i'll have another little buddy who i'll love a lot too. sigh. what else. boy is laid off on monday and so will be off tuesday. that's pretty cool. hopefully this weekend we'll finally be able to really have a great time in bed. a couple weeks ago? we had both been like SUPER stressed out, and what started as, and what was supposed to be (it was pretty late on a weeknight) a quick blowjob before bed turned into this ridiculous facesitting fucking waterworks. it was so ridiculous and awesome. i was feeling so good about myself, like so not self-conscious about my body at all, just totally free and uninhibited. it was really really something. and then the time before that, it was on a weekend late in the afternoon. so long and relaxed and intense. the fact that i remember these so distinctly means that obviously we're not doing it very much. there's nothing to get confused about. so anyway, after last time when i was feeling super body confident, i started getting ultra bloated because my period was coming up, and then bam. bloat city. UGH. i seriously look like i am 6 months pregnant when i'm at my most bloated. i'm not even exaggerating. it's so horrifying to me, and i feel so sluggish and gross. my skin actually feels more oily, my body odor is way worse. UGH!! i gross myself out. the point here is that i was just totally disgusting and wouldn't let him touch me. now i'm full of regret because i've not been that crampy this time (thankfully!!) so a lot of days were lost (he fell asleep on me). ummmm. further sex-related? i want to get one of those remote vibrator egg things. like, i wear the egg and he carries the remote and randomly activates it at inappropriate times. like let's go to a museum or something and play with that thing! or, on a nice nature hike on a really warm day. at dinner at a nice restaurant. grocery shopping. it'll make life so much more exciting!! i'm getting excited just thinking about it. we were supposed to go to this thing tomorrow with best friend but she just decided a couple of hours ago that she's not in the mood. though i am kind of upset because we don't get to hang out much, i'm not now that boy and i are not restricted to her time schedule. -------------------------------------------- i was interrupted for the whole weekend! i'm finishing this now on 5/7/13. yes, so best friend ended up cancelling, which we thought was going to be awesome, but we ended up being lazy as fuck and left at the time we would have gone with her anyway. we went to the thing, spent a shit ton of money on just food (gotta love fair/carnival food!), and came home to a nice evening - and rest of the weekend - of relax time. the night before the fair and everything, we had gone out to get boy an oil change, and walked to this chinese buffet in the same plaza for dinner while we waited. as we were walking over there, we passed this small group of people, and this lady was on the phone but took the time to stop me to say, "i love your purse!" boy was like jeez, EVERYBODY loves that purse! and i said, i know, i have awesome taste. then, when we were at the fair on saturday, i had on this amazing outfit. i was all black and white, except for a colored short-sleeved cardigan and a couple of super bold accent items. i was stopped again and told that i looked great. thanks!! of course boy was like, what's with this? you're getting all the compliments. all i could say was, what CAN i say? i'm hot. sorry. other than that trip, the weekend was uneventful. we were supposed to go to a german place on sunday but boy never felt like getting up and dressed for it, and honestly i couldn't blame him for not wanting to go because it was about an hour drive each way, so we would have spent 2 hours of our day just getting there and home, not counting the time spent eating. since he had to work yesterday he was like ugh, i really want to be able to enjoy my day off a little bit. so instead, we smoked a ton and ate taco bell/kfc. not comparable, but it sure hit the spot. i really wanted to use the rest of the afternoon to have sex for hours, but boy fell asleep at 4:30 and wouldn't wake up until WAY later, at which point little A was already home from his mother's house. cool, thanks. so anyway, it's tuesday and boy is laid off so he's upstairs waiting for me to get ready to go. he ran out to grab cigarettes earlier and was gone for a super long time, but when i went upstairs i saw his car in the driveway out the window, so i was like what the hell? and he's out there talking to the neighbors. so i was like, okay whatever. i was on the phone with my brother at the time anyway. so boy comes in and says that first he was actually talking to the COPS, because they were back here AGAIN looking for that kid! (i hope i told you the back story of our former neighbors of a few houses down, kid got arrested for kidnapping and false imprisonment of his sickly mother (i know, right!?) and was in prison but ESCAPED?? and the kid across the street's sister is dating the brother of the escapee. their mom is one of "those" moms, so she used to buy alcohol and shit for those kids when they'd come over so you know, they think she's cool. so since the brother and all of his friends are always over there, the cops keep coming every couple of weeks and raiding her house and shit. ugh! why the hell did these people move into this neighborhood?) so yeah, that's pretty much exactly what the neighbors were saying, that these people are driving down our property values and generally fucking everyone's shit up. and boy says yeah, let's not let little A ever go over there again. hey. good idea. okay, shower time. will i get lucky? will i get some rainy afternoon penis?? i hope the odds are in my favor. * when i was at my fattest, i too felt how many other fat girls do when dating - it seemed like most guys either wanted a "normal" sized girl, or wanted a fat girl because they had a fat fetish. but they never intersected. like a guy who wanted to fuck you only wanted to fuck you because you were fat, but he didn't want to marry you. it was so weird, and so insulting. i got hit on a LOT when i was that weight, but i could always tell it was like ... lecherous. it wasn't like, hey. she looks like she's probably well educated and a great conversationalist. it was like, hey. look at those huge titties. i felt like a lot more of an object then. if that makes any sense. |