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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
on being tired.
2013-04-23 @ 8:14 a.m.
last week is over, this week is happening. i am tired. best friend dumped nice guy boyfriend, because he turned out to not be a nice guy at all. he said, "i don't want to date you and [kid]." like, hello? what did you think was going to happen when you dated a single mom? they were supposed to go to this thing he was really excited about, and she kept asking him in the weeks leading up to it what time it was happening (begin-end) and he kept telling her he'd let her know, he'd let her know (he was holding the tickets with headline time on them). then it turned out they either couldn't go, or had to leave early due to her babysitter being only 18 and unable to watch kid until the middle of the night, and nice guy totally freaked out that it wasn't "fair" that they couldn't do anything because of kid. he wasn't understanding, it wasn't because of [kid] that they couldn't go. it was because HE failed to help her prepare properly. team, right? the following week. as you know, best friend has some serious mental issues. she has been having a really trying time with work and the trouble with nice guy, so she just asked him if he could come over and give her a little time. he'd been super avoidy and said he needed some time for himself, but also said that he loved her and wanted her to be his girlfriend. when best friend asked him to come over, he said that he would (she actually had to call me to ask if i thought it was "fair" for her to ask him to come over since he said he needed "me time," but she was feeling really sad and lonely and just wanted to have someone to talk to), but then when it was time for him to be there, he never showed up and just said he wasn't "in the mood" to come over. she texted to ask if i thought she was being unreasonable for being mad about this, and i told her that i think if someone who supposedly loves you, they should be more than willing to give you two hours of their time. if they're not, then they're not worth any more minutes of your time. she said that he always says she's "inconveniencing" him, and i said, isn't that what friends are for? people who will be happy to be there for you when you need to inconvenience them. it was like a light went on, and she was like, yeah, you're damn right. and that was that. i'm happy she's finally drawing some lines and having some standards for herself. best friend wasn't what i initially planned on writing about, it's just what's happening. i was going to write about my uncle's funeral and everything, but i don't feel like it. it's one of those things that i don't think will ever fade from my memory. it was just so sad. it was, and it wasn't. my uncle was mentally disabled, and was only expected to live until he was 35, at most. but he blew that way away. "they" (teachers, counselors, therapists, etc) said he would never be able to live alone or support himself, but he proved everyone wrong. my grandparents held him to the same standard they held the rest of their kids to. so my uncle lived in a group home, "independently," and got a job and kept it for 20 years. he did so many things. he used to drive us crazy when we were little because he was like a kid. he was just like us. so we'd play with him and fight with him and get super annoyed by him just like we would our friends. but now that i'm older, i realize how much he accomplished and what a special person he was. we were never particularly close (we only saw him summers and at family functions), but my heart really hurt for losing him. i believe viewings to be the creepiest things ever (why do people DO them? ugh!), and am not much of a funeral person, but my uncle's was really lovely. and it was so nice to see SO many people come together for him. it was inspiring. boy came and was a pallbearer, and at first he was like ehh, i don't know about doing this, but then realized what an honor it was to have been asked in the first place. he said it was amazing to feel like he was part of a family again. that every single person in my family made him feel like he was welcome, that he was "with us." so out of bad, can come some good. saturday night, boy's friend called and said that she had a russian blue kitten. boy was really excited, and friend was really pushing for it, but i just can't do it. at first, i said, let me think about it. we were at dinner, and boy said, "well if you don't want him to be your cat, then he'll be mine." (we want to get 2 cats, since we've always wanted 3 total). but i kept thinking about it, and i realized i can't handle seeing a cat who looks just like my boy. sleeping in his bed, playing with his toys. i just can't. we didn't talk about it again until sunday when i spontaneously said, "i can't have another grey cat right now." and boy was disappointed, but he said, "i completely understand." and i just told him yeah, i'm not over boycat yet. not even a little bit. and to get another cat who will grow up soon to look just like him, but not be him, would just break my heart every day. i'm already fighting my - at times - overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness over losing boycat so suddenly. i have so many regrets. i wish i had had more time with him. i wish i had noticed the signs earlier. i wish i wish. my biggest wish, and there are so many things in my life i would do over again, but this one is my number one - i wish i had slept with him that last night. i didn't because i knew that if i did, i would have to either sleep on the couch sitting up (and thus not sleep myself), or risk him trying to get up in the middle of the night from my bed and hurt himself. he couldn't walk anymore, so if he had tried to get out of bed, he would have really hurt himself. and he was so frail by then. i just can't stop thinking about him that morning, so weak and wedged between those pillows, and i wish i had given him those 8 hours in my arms, where at least he could have felt loved and warm and not scared. it's still so hard to talk about him. i have so many happy memories of him in my life but i can't stop focusing on what i think i did wrong. and feeling so sorry. i miss hearing his loud footsteps on the wood floor. he was so husky that he sounded like a person sometimes. he always said hi, a little grunt hello or goodbye. i miss his voice and the sweet smell of his fur. i think about that movie A.I. a lot - the end, when he asks for his mom back, just for that one day. i would give anything for that. i just feel like the world is so empty now. my life is so empty. and i know it's not REALLY, because by most standards i'm doing amazing. but it's like the sun has set on a perfect world and will never come up again. and now i will always have to live in the dark. why can't i have the same feelings about boycat that i do my uncle? i'm happy he's not suffering anymore. i'm happy for the time we had together. i'm happy that i was able to have him in my life. these things are all true. when i think them about my uncle, they make me feel okay instead of sad. but it's the opposite with boycat. all i feel is mostly sad. this completely turned into something else. this is why i didn't want to talk about my uncle's funeral - i knew it would go this way. what i wanted to talk about was the struggles with boy and his job, and how i hate that we can never find time to have sex (sex is still better than ever, each time, but i wish we had more "us" time), and just ... everything. he hates his job and he wants to do something else, but that's impossible without quitting outright (in which case we would have zero RELIABLE income), or getting laid off and being on unemployment and using that time to go back to school. the problem with that is that he has such an amazing reputation that he is never able to be out of work for more than a day or two. this morning, he found out at 9:30am that the job he's currently at will be over on wednesday (meaning, he'll be laid off end of day wednesday). before he even got the chance to tell me this, or sign up for the layoff list (you fill out the form online when you get home), he was called by the "big guy" and was back to work for thursday. it's so frustrating! so, we hope that i'll go back to work full-time and we'll switch roles until he can get in and out of school and into a new career. the problem there is that i don't want to teach anymore, and that's pretty much the only job that i can get around here that will pay remotely close to how much we need to get by. sometimes i really regret buying this house because of this, but not really. but you know what i mean? i feel like i'm in a position of having to do something that made me so unhappy, so depressed. i already wake up at least 5 days out of 7 and seriously consider killing myself. just the thought of doing something that made me so unhappy while i'm already so unhappy causes a panic attack. but what the fuck, there are NO other jobs that pay even close to that salary around here. i want to say a lot more about this, but it's so complicated and i really don't feel like trying to explain it all. tl;dr: it's incredibly stressful. in conclusion, you always think that things are going to get easier as you get older, but they never do. you also need a lot more sleep. |