boy was off yesterday (there was no work for him to do), so we had this awesome day of going down to the beach to get some hot dogs and fried twinkies planned, but around 12:30pm i started getting crampy and it persisted for most of the day. the cramps were pretty bad, unpleasant but tolerable (like a 5 or 6, i guess), but my BACK was killing me. serious back spasms. and also, some serious nausea, just for fun. i stayed on or under the heating pad most of the day, on the couch. i felt really bad about ruining the day, even though it wasn't my fault, because i knew i wouldn't get to see him hardly at all today, and tomorrow little A returns (sigh).

why wouldn't i see him today? because he was pressured and bullied by his high school friend into going on this fucking stupid tubing trip down the delaware. tubing down the delaware sounds totally great, and i would love to do it sometime. but these friends are those people that badger you and make it not fun. they've been asking him for the past couple summers to go, and every time they have a trip scheduled, boy has other plans, whether they be with me, little A, or he just doesn't feel like going. if they want you to go so badly you would think they'd maybe just ask if there was a particular weekend that's good for you. but no, it's at their convenience. so when boy is like, ah, we were planning to go here, or ah, i'm busy, or ah, it's my girlfriend's 30th fucking birthday (a pretty important milestone i would think?), they're like, WHATEVER, obviously you don't want to hang out with us, obviously you don't want to be friends, blah blah.

no, man, it's not at all fucking like that. it's just impossible for them to conceive that someone else might have something more desirable or more fun to do than go with them when they demand.

and i know i'm making them sound really tyrannical about this, but they ARE. boy REALLY didn't want to go. he had to wake up at 6am this morning to drive an hour and a half to their house, then an hour and a half to the delaware. ALL WEEK he's been trying to figure out a way to get out of it. he's been dreading it! and every time he's talked to the girl, S, she's been like OHHHH WOW YOU'RE STILL COMING? CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T CANCEL ON US. SOOOO GLAD YOU COULD GRACE US WITH YOUR PRESENCE.

what the fuck is that?

can you tell why boy doesn't want to go? because of that shit! because they're still so high school. they're his high school friends who grew up, stayed in the same exact town, hanging out with the same exact people, doing the same exact things they did in high school, while endlessly reminiscing about shit they did in high school. every time boy goes over there to get herb (aha! this is the monkey wrench!), he comes home and tells me that the was trying to get in and out of there, but they make him feel guilty when he tries to leave too soon. when he started getting supplied by S (it was maybe a year or a year and a half ago that he started with her), he's like, "[tinea] is an amazing cook. dinner is waiting for me," thinking that they would be like oh hey don't want to be rude and hold you up. nope! instead, he got a bunch of WHATEVER, WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? TOO WHITE TRASH FOR YOU NOW? OUR FOOD ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? what the fuck? no it isn't, in fact. i'm good on $1/packs of fucking aldi's hotdogs!!

jesus, right? it's such a shame that she has the absolute BEST for a ridiculously cheap price, because he says sometimes that if we had equal opportunity elsewhere, would it even be worth it to continue a relationship with these people. but like i said, this is the monkey wrench. he doesn't know anyone else, and doesn't want to spend a significantly larger amount of money on lesser quality. so, he's stuck.

we all know what it's like to have a friend who never wants to hang out (or to BE the friend who never wants to hang out), but universally i think we can all agree that guilting that person and making them feel obligated to hang out is probably the least productive of your options. how great of a time can you really have when you know the other person wishes they were anywhere else but with you?

so whatever, if that's what they're into. it's almost september so boy knows he's off the hook for almost a year. i just hate it when people can't respect your feelings, your boundaries, whatever it may be. it just always reads as very ... violating to me. i think no means no in all situations, not just regarding sexual consent. in no situation in life am i comfortable with one person callously overpowering another just to satisfy their own needs.

so on a lighter note.

there's this adorable little lesbian working at our nearby wawa* as a cashier. covered in freckles. she can only be like 4'9? perhaps even shorter, because a close friend is 4'11" and i know this cashier is definitely smaller than her. boy and i both assumed she's a lesbian because she's, you know. a boygirl. extra close caesar haircut, either little/no boobs or they were well hidden, and boy clothes.

boy and i both love androgyny. i saw her a few days ago for the first time (i usually go to a different store around the corner) when she rang me up, and i wanted to tell her how adorable she was but i didn't want to seem condescending or objectifying. you know, when you're abnormally short (or tall) and then on top of it you're not fitting into your typical "gender mold" or whatever you want to call it, people are probably always making comments to you. so i really didn't want to come off like that and felt it would be safer to say nothing.

boy goes to this wawa frequently however, and sees this girl working all the time, and chats with her (he goes to this store 2-3 times a day on average, as it's right on his way to and from ... everywhere). yesterday after we came home from the store, we were sitting on the couch and he says to me, "do you think it would be rude to ask someone if they were a lesbian?"

and i said, well it depends on how well you know the person. and he starts saying, "well there's this girl at wawa ..." and i was like OMG! the cute little lesbian girl?? and he's like yeah! she's so awesome! and i said i know, she rang me up the other day.

boy is like, "[tinea]. we say we're going to tell each other when we really need to talk about things, and i have to tell you that this girl is one of my ultimate sexual fantasies and i really wish i could have sex with her." and i was like, hey. i've said it before and i'll say it again. as long as you talk to me about this stuff, and as long as when i say i don't want you to do something, you don't do it, go for it. but then we discuss the gaucheness of hitting on someone whose sexual orientation is unknown at their place of work specifically for the purpose of a one-time sexual experience. and then, i'm like, okay. even if you could think of a really polite way to suggest that, and she was totally into it, are you comfortable with running into her every day? sometimes multiple times a day?

and that's when he was like .... oh. and i said, yeah, if shit gets weird, you know she lives somewhere locally. are you willing to run into her all the time? if you had to switch wawas?

and he's like, whoa. whoa. WHOA.

there is no sex with any girl worth losing my wawa.

hahahaha. this guy. so he was disappointed, but i told him that if he ever finds out that she's leaving, or moving to another store, then he could try it then because if it goes over poorly he'll probably never see her again.

we are so weird.

anyway, i have to take a shower and get cute for boy getting home later. we haven't had sex in a full WEEK. during the summer, since he works either in buildings that are not completely constructed or in buildings which are, but with no ventilation, he sweats his ASS off. literally. not only does he lose a lot of weight but his ass and crotch will sweat so much that his pants are COMPLETELY soaked when he gets home. like he dropped them in a pool of water. so his skin sometimes gets super irritated, and he'll break out or get blisters. he's SUPER self-conscious about it, which i totally understand, because i am more self-conscious about far less severe imperfections. but it makes him totally not in the mood (i'm sure it doesn't help that he's often in pretty excruciating pain from it, too).

i, on the other hand, am having this shitty ass period. he looked at me in some sexy way yesterday and i told him that the thought of a penis within a 12" radius of my body made me want to rip someone's fucking head off with my teeth.

needless to say, i've been left alone. but today i feel great. he'd better be ready for me to fuck him until he can't walk.

* wawa is like 7-11, sheetz, or any combo gas station, deli, and convenience store that you know, but WAY better. the food is edible and pretty good, it's open 24/7, amazing coffee, it's always clean, safe, and well-lit, and the bathrooms aren't scary and outside. we only have them on the east coast in the mid-atlantic region, though, i think. sorry if your life is wawa-less! you're totally missing out.

2013-10-31: kittens and computers, not in that order.
2013-10-15: year four.
2013-10-11: no way to know until you do.
2013-10-02: hello, it's me.
2013-09-17: inconvenient conveniences.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.