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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
hello, it's me.
2013-10-02 @ 10:32 a.m.
hello, i've missed you. i keep delaying writing about all of that stuff i said i was going to write about, and as more time passes it becomes apparent to me that i just don't feel like getting into all of it. like, long story short should suffice: little A is the most supremely aggravating child in the world, no idea what's wrong with him but it's something. endless source of stress for us. we're still investigating. i am still incredibly depressed. i just feel so sad all the time. it's about so many things. what they are, it doesn't matter. i self-medicate by smoking a lot of extremely choice marijuana, getting obsessively involved with fictional characters on tv shows (breaking bad, anyone?), and making stuff. i almost told boy to leave. he was being a real douche and i'm just not going to be treated like that, no matter how much i love you. i told him that exact sentence, and followed it up with, "the only other person who makes me feel like this is my mother, and you know what THAT relationship is like." i was so mad at him. i was literally hissing the words through my teeth. it was a low point in our relationship, for sure. but he promised to stop doing all of the stuff he was doing that brought us to that point, and he has kept his word. i think that's pretty much it. the important highlights, anyway. we're working it out. "it" meaning, everything. life. last night we were sitting on the couch after dinner and talking about things we haven't eaten in a while, and boy mentioned a salad, and said, "you know, the one you won me over with." i thought it was really cute and said, you know, i should make that whole meal again. our anniversary is really soon! and he's like ... how long have we been together even? 4 years? 5 years? and i'm just like, fuck! i'm sure i say it all the time, but it feels both so short and so ... forever, all at the same time. a month ago, last night i woke up at like 3 am to go pee. i always pee in the dark, mostly because turning the light on will destroy my ability to fall back asleep, but also because i like the atmosphere. i keep the window open in my bathroom almost all the time, so late at night there's nothing but faraway streetlights, stars, the sounds of the crickets, and the trees in the wind. except for last night, when there was also ... a guy singing? i was there, on the toilet, and this voice is just out there in the darkness. no music. it was completely silent other than the sounds of nature and this man's singing, so i'm sure he wasn't working on any night crew or anything. it was so weird, but so nice. i wonder if he was out in the parking lot, or out on his deck somewhere, or if he was just another person who couldn't sleep, looking out the window like i so often do in those bare hours. so along with the working out of our issues, boy and i have decided to dedicate ourselves to the pursuit of things that will make us happy. things that make us feel fulfilled. he decided to put off getting the new car until income tax time, which was an excellent idea that he had all on his own. i hate for that to sound like i'm a real bitch, but he has a serious problem with impulsive purchases, especially during times when money is really tight and we have nothing in savings. the other thing we discussed during working out issues times was that we (read: BOY) need(s) to stop, think, and evaluate REALLY HARD whether a particular purchase must be made at a given time, because sure, you work really hard and deserve to be able to buy things with the money you make, but not when our cable is about to be shut off because you felt like buying a motorcycle part instead of putting it toward the bill that you know is due. so since he has adopted that spending philosophy, things have been a lot better in the stress/anger department, which naturally boils over into the "better mood, not being a douchebag" department, creating a delightful cocktail for all. we've been able to put away a decent amount of money in the past month, but most importantly! every week he gets a couple of things for the bike, and he can tinker, so he's happy. for me, he dropped a huge amount of cash on supplies i needed to expand my etsy shop. i'm going to be carrying some all new items, completely different from the other stuff i make. i'm super duper excited about it, because i think the new stuff will be beautiful, and that's half of getting someone into your shop. also because the new stuff is super easy to make, but sells at a high markup. but also also because the new stuff is useful to me, stuff that i always need and use, so if i don't sell it i know that i will have a ready supply of it for myself as well as to give as gifts. but also cubed (also^3)? this was the FIRST craft that i ever made to sell, over 10 years ago! it's very familiar and nostalgic for me. so i'm super excited to do this again, especially something that has always been a pet of mine. so easy, so tactile for customers, so portable for me. i can't wait!! so yeah, not much other than that stuff going on in my life. i've just been kind of flying under the radar, trying to figure out what i really want. what is the right thing. i think we found it, each of us our own. now, we just have to work hard to get it, and to keep it. as far as lives other than mine, my brother is engaged AGAIN! this is with this girl that he is constantly complaining about. i mean seriously, this guy will really go on for upwards of an hour sometimes telling me how ridiculous some of her actions have been and how much he can't stand her. and now you're engaged? this is just shy of a year after you had to move back in with me because you were about to fucking kill yourself over the last girl you were about to get married to! i'm not even trying to trivialize his feelings, but he's a person who also really needs to step back and evaluate. i know for some people the past is the past, but that doesn't mean that it should be completely forgotten. there are lessons to learn there. best friend and i haven't spoken in a couple of months. no problems there, i just needed a mental break and she is very draining. during my difficult month-month and a half, i was also realizing that a lot of my misery has been a result of never really having a choice in anything in my life. i take responsibility for making poor choices, i take responsibility for doing things that i knew were not in my best interest. at the time, i didn't feel that i had an alternative. i feel that i've done a lot of things to please other people, not myself. at the time, avoiding disappointing those people was what made me feel good. but inside, i've always felt so hollow and thin. i have all of these bad feelings for so long, and then i lose boycat like that. i just kind of looked around at my life and realized that all of this house and debt really didn't need to be, i was happy with boycat in my apartment. and the only one thing that i really wanted, my baby boy, i don't have. so i'm really thankful to boy for helping me do this, helping me take this step with my shop, so i can get back on my way to feeling like a person again. to having something that i want. speaking of things that we want and don't want, last month i was crampy and standing in the bedroom with boy. i had just taken my medication and we were about to go out to dinner, and he makes a comment about how much he was going to drink. i pressed my hand to my uterus and said, "oh, i can't," and this look of sheer panic crossed his face before i realized how that must have looked and said, oh! oh god no. i mean i just took my pain pills and i can't drink with them. and he's like, WHEEEEEW. i'm thinking, uh, are you fucking serious? this wouldn't even be a calm or rational conversation that we are having right now if that's what was up. i was relieved, though, that he appeared panicked and not at all happy or delighted. we've brought up kids several more times since we had the original conversation, and i have repeatedly told him that the future looks incredibly dim as far as that's concerned. especially considering how little A is right now, and he's only 10. when he's 12, 13, ... 16? years old? when we would be in the position to do that? he's a fucking terror. both boy and i know that he's going to be WAY worse than boy was at that age. that's just really not a time that i'm interested in bringing another annoying, mentally draining life into ours. i can't even. alright. i have to go do stuff. |