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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
stream of consciousness.
2014-05-09 @ 6:28 p.m.
i had to go pick up my mom's computer today because she wanted her mother's day present to be me fixing it. "it's just really slow, and acting weird," was the extremely specific and helpful description of its symptoms that she relayed to me earlier in the week. initially the plan was for us to show up at her house several hours early on sunday before dinner and i would do it then, but the more i probed her trying to figure out (just a little better!?) what was going on with it, or even when it started(?? this month? this quarter? this year??), the more vague she was. i realized that i was going to need far more than 4 hours to do this and told her i'd pick it up today instead so i had the weekend. now 4 hours, 41 minutes and 48 seconds into the FIRST virus scan, i realize i was right. how do older people do this to computers? i don't get it. so i was in the bathroom just a couple minutes ago, powdering my oily ass face (boy and i are about to go to the amish market), and i was like, damn. i'm so great looking. and i look basically the same as i did in high school, but my look is far more refined. my hairstyle suits me, i'm not just trying to be cool and edgy and unique for the sake of doing it. i have found something that is comfortable, low maintenance, and my hair and scalp are the healthiest they've ever been. i know how to do my makeup finally so i don't look like one of the fucking goth kids on south park. it's minimal. natural. people don't even realize i'm wearing any. i finally figured out what my skin needed so it doesn't break out all the time or get REALLY fucking oily like it used to. i have a style. i have a look. i know how to dress my body. like ... i'm looking pretty great. and when i was up there having all of these thoughts, i actually laughed aloud to myself, because i realized that never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would ever like myself. when i was 14? 15? i don't know if you could really have found a person who hated the way they looked more than i did. so you know, it was a kind of bittersweet moment, because in the same second i had to go and think about how much i hate where most other things in my life are right now, and about all of the shit that fucking sucks. and then i said to the mirror, "now let's work on your brain, you asshole." |