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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
little bit of assertion.
2014-04-25 @ 9:54 p.m.
edit: forgot to mention, i wrote this yesterday, never posted it since boy is downstairs doing something weird forever, i'll take the time to write about this. i have this guy friend whom i've known forever, like since the end of high school, and we've loosely kept in touch over the years and just recently started hanging out again. i went to lunch with him before christmas and it was the first time i had seen him in years, and it was so great to catch up. he's exactly the same, just older and more bitter. i like it. we went to lunch again last weekend and again, it was great. and just now i texted him about my stepdad buying this super expensive car that he didn't need because he already has one that he doesn't drive. we had a nice exchange. and inside, i felt really guilty because i really like this guy and i've hung out with him more than i've hung out with best friend in the past year. and i was thinking, why is that? and i kind of just realized, it's because my friendship with guy friend is so uncomplicated and not in any way annoying. like, i get that best friend has a kid now. that's totally cool. but when the majority of our interactions are me telling her how shitty the kid that i have is, and how much i really just want a break from being around kids for a while, when we finally do get to hang out she brings her kid over unannounced (this drives me nuts! she always brings people over unannounced and it just makes me so uncomfortable!!), or is telling me some crazy fucking story about shit that she shouldn't even let happen. i'm just so not in the mood to be annoyed man, i spend sooooo much of my time being really irritated. things are getting slightly better though. while hanging out with guy friend the other day, i was complaining about the shitty fashion in which my house operates, and he said, "you need to start making some ultimatums, [tinea]." and i was like, you know what? you're absolutely right. i am going to go home and do that. listen. boy and i have been together for 5 years. little A has been living here 2. get your fucking acts together. guy friend starts talking to me from a guy's perspective, and i start realizing, boy is just being lazy a lot of the time. and i let him get away with that and it really stresses me out. so it's time for him to get his head in the game, get this fucking kid under control, and then everyone's lives will be a lot easier. i think what all of this means, is that i'm finally starting to make sense of what i really truly want, like from my life and the people in it, and i'm at that point where i'm just like whatever dude. if i need to be a bitch (and by that i mean, not my usual ultra-accommodating self) to get the treatment and respect i extend to others on a consistent basis, then i'm okay with it. i'm so tired of picking up the slack for other people and letting my own shit go. that's been my entire life so far in one way or another and i'm just so ready to finally take care of myself. |