tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

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hoping for a pleasant tomorrow.

2014-11-19 @ 10:23 a.m.

yesterday boy was driving to work and his car just turned off while he was going 80 on the highway. i had to get up, get little A off to school, and then go pick him up and bring him back home.

there are constant, constant money drains and it's so annoying. when we have a couple of dollars in savings, something else pops up that has to be paid.

even though i am complaining about how much that sucked, i am extremely thankful that his car is still functioning (they think it's an alternator/battery issue) and that he was completely unhurt. and i think it's a relatively cheap repair (compared to the time his motor seized), so everything will be okay. it's just such an inopportune time to happen.

the moment i walked in the door, went to the bathroom (you know sometimes you're driving and you see a place you could stop to pee but you're like nah, i'll wait til i get home, and halfway through your trip you realize how stupid you were not to stop!?), and sat down with some breakfast, my mom calls. i answered the phone with an exhausted "sup," and she's like what the hell kind of greeting is that? and i told her about the morning. she's like oh well then i'll call you back on this one, and i said just tell it to me now, let me get all of today's bullshit out of the way.

so she's calling to say that i've been made one of the people to make decisions for her and my stepdad just incase they get into some kind of horrible accident and are on life support. and also, that i would soon be in contact with the lawyer and the other person who holds this responsibility with me. then, she also laid out the basic breakdown of what will happen with their estate when they die, who gets what, who is responsible for what.

it was one of those surreal conversations that makes you realize, oh, i'm getting old. my parents are sitting around thinking about when they're going to die now. when did this all happen? i was in high school yesterday.

time flies.

nothing of note has happened around here lately. boy and i have been great together, and little A has been the most annoying little shit. i wish there was a way you could tell little kids that their behavior and the things they are doing is making everyone hate them, but without traumatizing them or giving them lifelong complexes. like, no one ever has a kid and then looks at them and says, wow i can't wait for this person to grow up and defy me at every turn, steal from me, lie to me constantly, be incredibly ungrateful for the bounty bestowed on him just for being alive, and behave in such a way that causes other adults to constantly side-eye me in public. i wish that boy could just say this to him and he could take the information objectively and think to himself, okay. i am damaging my relationship with the people around me. i should stop now.

this is why i am in no way a "kid" person, or really, a "people" person. i have no patience for people that i cannot communicate with in a logical and straightforward manner. 100% of children, and like 75% of the adults that i have met in my life are completely unreasonable.

and when you toss into this mix a lack of intelligence, i can't. let's face it here: little A is not a smart person. he just isn't. so the typically irritating process of parenting and discipline is one hundred times more irritating when you are talking to a person who doesn't even understand most of the words that you are saying, and even if he does, he does not comprehend cause and effect, and even if he makes it THAT far, his mother is always there to ultimately undermine us. so every time boy comes home from work, already exhausted from a super shitty day, after driving 2 hours each way to work, the last thing he wants to do is stand with little A and debate the same exact shit that was debated literally 4-5 days ago. then he's in a shitty mood, i'm in a shitty mood, and our sex life and everything suffers. it's getting so old.

i don't know if i mentioned it, but boy said it would be okay if i decided to get my tubes tied, or a hysterectomy, or whatever i need to end my monthly pain marathon and not ever be pregnant. though i have said in the past that i can't know what the future holds, or that maybe i'll change my mind, the past three years with this kid living here have caused me to realize that i will not change my mind. i think of how miserable i have been, how much i hate parenting, being the fucking taxi, answering endless stupid repeated questions, constantly being interrupted, constantly having to deal with behavior. if i got pregnant tomorrow and knew that i had at least 18 years of this ahead of me, i really would just kill myself. there is absolutely no fucking way that i would do this again, not for a million dollars.

and i know it sounds weird that i said "boy said it would be okay," but make no mistake. i will do whatever the fuck i want to do whenever i want to do it. it's my body and i don't need his permission for anything. i just wanted him to be aware of my stance on my body, and let him know that this is how it will be with me, so if that's not okay with him then we would need to talk and reevaluate the relationship. but he likes me and our sex life, and enjoys parenting as little as i do, so he can live with it. so we will.

anyway. i went on and on, but it's because this little A stuff has really consumed our lives. boy was so upset about all of this a couple of weeks ago, how psycho makes it SO difficult for us, how she's ruining little A's chances of developing into a productive member of society because of her desire to be liked, to be the "favorite" parent. boy and i were saying, on one hand we wish we could just send him back, be like okay, you win. have custody. but i said, on the other hand, you know if you did that you would never be able to see him again. he would become so terrible. and boy said i know, and we both know it's simply not the right thing to do. let's give the kid a chance. and i agree. but it often feels like the right thing is at the expense of our happiness.