wow, a month passed already?

well, here i am. i've moved, completely out of my home that i loved so much for so many years. but my new place is okay. nice, even. i'm getting used to it.

things are really good. like really, really good. i had to move pretty suddenly, so for a couple of weeks there, things were insane. like i had been slowly bringing things with me every day when i came to work, and found out i had to be out by the end of april, so i was like cool man, i have plenty of time. but then a realtor contacted me and was like hey, would you move out earlier for a pretty substantial sum of money? and i was like ... uh, YEAH?! fucking duh. so i agreed to it and immediately went into overdrive.

my initial intention had been to just leave small stuff behind that i didn't want since i know they always send in a cleaning crew and/or contractors, but i was specifically instructed, and told in no uncertain terms that i MUST remove every single item, piece of trash, and bit of debris from the entire premises. what didn't look like that much stuff ended up actually being a shit ton of stuff. i underestimated the quantity of both my possessions and trash (a combination of actual garbage, various building supplies from when i moved in, tools, stuff other people who lived with me left behind, etc) that remained in the house. the last two weeks i spent quite a number of exhausting, long days at work and then all night packing my car and driving back and forth.

long story short (lol me?), i knew i needed to move out my larger furniture first and then save myself some time to sort/clean out the remaining stuff, so last wednesday my awesome brother took off of work and came up to help me. mr. able's girlfriend came too, and i picked up one of my coworkers and brought him along as well. we made quick work of it but the whole day cost me a crazy amount of money. i'm so thankful that i was so diligent on my budget because i had just enough for everything i needed, paid everyone really well for helping me, and it was perfect timing. thursday and friday i worked and was panicking, thinking i should just tell them i didn't want the money because there was no way i'd be able to clean EVERYTHING out by the date i said.

as luck would have it, i replied to the realtor's email too late so he arranged for us to meet this monday, giving me the full weekend to finish hauling. i knew that the best thing to do was take as long as it took on saturday so i'd at least have a day of relaxation on sunday, and i was right. i finished the last carload of stuff at 4:30am (a 2:30am cup of coffee saved me and got me over that last hump), got to my new home, took a shower, and passed out until well into the afternoon on sunday.

it was glorious. i woke up, got dressed, went to the store, and bought some stuff to make dinner. i haven't done that for myself in so long. i made exactly what i wanted, how i wanted it. i cooked and listened to music and rearranged and organized my little kitchen. it was so relaxing. i hadn't felt so contented in a long time. i was still super nervous though, because i knew the next morning i had to wake up and meet with the realtor and do a final walkthrough. i was terrified they would find some reason to not pay me. like, i don't know, that it all was a big scam and i had significantly put myself out in anticipation of getting the check but they would for some reason rip me off and say no and i did all this for nothing and i'd be fucked and not able to pay my bills or rent and be behind for the next two months.

shut the fuck up, anxiety. i woke up the next day and got there late because of a fucking traffic stop on the way (they were checking inspection stickers i think). i was panicking like crazy. i got there and the realtor was already there WITH my payment in hand, super duper nice guy. we shook hands and he tells me he hates doing these because not only are they kind of depressing but also because a lot of people don't actually clean the whole house out as they ask. we literally just dash through the whole house and he tells me my improvements were really nice and asks me to sign this paper and that's it. i said goodbye to my house for the last time, and walked away substantially richer.

well, richer in 10 days. i was still so paranoid that the check was fake or that they weren't going to honor it or something fucking crazy that i tried to get it cashed, but almost nowhere cashes a check that large. i also didn't get my license changed to my new address since i JUST moved in and had no money as i mentioned, so nowhere that WOULD cash a check that large would do it with no id. so i bit the bullet and just deposited it, which still left me pretty broke because it was going to take 10 days to clear. luckily i had cooked all of that food on sunday and was no longer living apart from the contents of my kitchen so i didn't have to spend any money on anything until i got paid.

i got paid at work and was still in a tight spot with the bills that were coming due since i took a day off to move the week before. i'm like man, this sucks, rice and beans it is this week, i guess. i go into work and see a check i had to take to a vendor and $20 cash. boss is like, that $20 is for you! i sold your briefcase! i was like whoa shit! you're awesome! (i brought this random briefcase from my house that i was given as a gift years ago to boss to use, but his clipboard and stuff didn't fit so i said i was going to try to give it away or take it to goodwill.) this guy i hate that boss is friends with saw it and liked it and bought it from him. i was like wow, thanks for hustling for me!

so later, JC is like yo, are you selling that little bike that's been outside?* i heard you telling a customer you'd sell it for $125 the other day. i said yeah, and i think i have the key at my place in a bag of random keys. so he said if i could find it he'd give me $100, and of course i went home that evening and tore my kitchen apart and found the key bag. the next day i was handed a crisp $100 bill, and several hours after that had the delightful experience of seeing a 250-lb man zip across the parking lot on a bike 1/3 his size.

then, i had my internet turned on and my coworker who is also now my neighbor was like yo, i heard you got your internet turned on ... can we split the bill and i can use your wifi? i was like fuck yeah dude! as it turns out i just upgraded my speed a lot for only like $5 extra per month, so this was awesome.

so now, this week i almost made back the amount i lost from not working the day i moved, plus some of the other expenses. i got to pay both of the bills i had been worried about in full. the realtor's check will clear on wednesday so i can buy a lot of storage and organizational things (because i have no room to put anything!).

the weather is becoming so nice. once the cable was installed i could move the furniture into its final position and fill the shelves with things that had been living in boxes. floor space is opening up. the room is opening up. my windows are opening up. i'm feeling so much better.

i can't overstate how much better i'm feeling. everyone who has seen me lately has said that i seem like a different person. even the way i look and walk and hold my body. i don't seem so exhausted anymore, i don't walk hunched over like something is standing on my back.

i feel happy. for once, i can actually say that i feel happy. i have no worries at all right now except for myself and what i want and what i need. for the first time in my entire life i am where i want to be, with people i want to be with, doing what i want to do how i want to do it. i am not making a ton of money, but i am living comfortably. i am beholden to no one. i have no debt, no mortgage. i am close to everything i need, and everyone i need. there are people who love me. i walk to work and am starting to know a lot of people in this small town.

boy still has never said a word to me. i think i'm pretty much over it now. for a really long time i was really angry, betrayed, confused, trying to work it out, trying to understand it. i'm still trying to write the entry about all that. but in short, i realized that he is a particular type of person, and this is his nature. you know the parable of the scorpion and the frog? the farmer and the viper? he just is what he is. he always used to say that, too. it was one of his favorite sayings. it is what it is. and it's true. but that's also what has been so liberating for me. realizing that there is nothing i could have or should have done differently (well, obviously i should have just broken up with him when i realized how shitty he was treating me but what i meant was that i didn't need to change myself). it wasn't me. he just is the type of person he is.

i am done worrying and pondering over him and the way things went, but i do have a couple of thoughts every now and then. mostly, i think of what i'd say if he ever contacted me again. i would tell him to enjoy his life, because i know that he never will. i'm not someone who ever takes pleasure in being cruel, but in this case i'd make an exception. i know that this would sting him forever, every time he thought of it. he is a chronically dissatisfied person who is always trying so hard, spending so much money on that next new thing that he thinks will make him happy, but never succeeds, and only leaves him wanting more. something else. there is never, ever enough for him. and he knows that. to remind him of this, especially when i'm now so happy and fulfilled and satisfied in every way, will drive him nuts.

i came to realize that he thought he was this amazing catch, like i should be thanking him for being with me. as though i had nothing, and was nothing, without him. it's the ultimate irony that now, i have absolutely everything i have always wanted. he would hate to know that, because he hates people who are genuinely happy.

so, in conclusion, everything is just great. my apartment feels more and more like home each day. i'm excited to shop for some new things and add these little personal touches that i had wanted to do for years but never did because either i couldn't afford it, couldn't get anyone to help me with it, or didn't bother with because i knew i was moving soon. i don't plan to leave here for a while and i have all of this money so i am just tickled with joy over this. i'm going to spend about 1/4-1/3 of it on storage and organization and a new tv (i know, it's an unnecessary splurge but mine is like 11 years old and has a fucking dark burn ring around the edge, i can't stand it anymore), 1/3 goes to savings, like $200 on clothes (due to limited closet space i am going to FINALLY replace some of the pieces that i've always loved because they're cute but have never worn for whatever reason), $100 on a new passport, and the rest will just chill in my account just in case.

now that i have no commute and will barely be driving 30 miles per WEEK (i know!), and have the desire to cook again, i'm working so many more hours and saving so much money. i'm so excited about the future. when the fuck was the last time i could say that?

it's been a year since the major financial damage was done, and 8 months? since he disappeared from my life. when all of this was happening, it seemed like my life was over. i was just horrified by how fucked up everything was going to be for me for so long. but ... time has flown and things have been pretty alright. there were some bad times, some super stressful times, but mostly everything has been working out wonderfully.

my brother said a couple months ago that all of the good karma i had built up for all of those years dealing with boy was finally coming around, and i know that's not really how it works but shit man, does it ever feel like it.

this shit was crazy rambly and disorganized but that's just how i'm feeling tonight. i'm laying on my comfy couch with my little feline friend snoring nearby. i'm watching stupid youtube videos while i alternate between typing paragraphs and shopping on amazon. a maple pecan waffle candle is burning and it smells amazing. i'm not working tomorrow so i can run away on an adventure by myself.

my soul is at ease.

* for christmas one year, which now makes it boy had purchased an extremely expensive electric mini dirtbike for little A years ago that was never used. literally the only rule for little A to be allowed to use this thing was to not ride it on the road. it went like, PRETTY fast, and was certainly not street legal. we were like, dude, you can go wherever you want in this development. just don't ride it on the road. boy sat there and told little A at least 15 times, i'm not exaggerating, NOT TO RIDE IT ON THE ROAD. he spent a lot of time telling him this, and that if he did ride it on the road, he would not be allowed to ride it again. it wasn't a joke.

what do you think this little fucker did? and i mean, literally immediately, while boy was watching? want to take a guess?

yeah, he rode it on the fucking road. we were like, you've GOT to be fucking kidding. so boy runs out and tells him to come home. brings him inside and lectures him again. what's the matter with you? what did we JUST talk about? he gives him another chance. don't let me see you riding it on the road again! what do you think little A does? again? and again, i'm not exaggerating that it was immediately. like i'm not sure that 60 full seconds elapsed until this kid was on the road again. i hope that you understand that he was aware of us standing in the doorway watching him. i don't understand it either. so the bike was put away and the keys were hidden and that was that. we were fucking astonished. speechless. like this kid's fucking serious?

a few months later, it was warm outside and spring was springing, and little A is like hey dad, can i ride the bike now? i promise i won't ride it on the road. boy's like, okay, cool. i hope you learned your lesson. if you ride it on the road again, you will never use it again. little A is like, i understand. he goes outside, and boy and i keep hanging out for a few minutes, and he just looks at me and says, "i'm going to go check on him. i bet that fucking kid is riding it on the road." and i remember he goes and looks out the front door, and that fucking kid was riding that fucking bike on the fucking road. he didn't even say anything, little A just saw him standing there looking at him and drove up into the driveway and into the garage and that bike was never touched again.

2018-06-10: going forth.
2018-05-23: i feel happy and good.
2018-05-15: clearing the last of the dead ends.
2018-05-08: attitude of gratitude.
2018-04-26: someday is now.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.