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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
the good stuff happening.
2018-03-15 @ 9:42 p.m.
another semi-quickie, because i got home pretty late and still have to pack and do a little bit of work and then go to bed semi-early. life has just been headed in a consistently upward trajectory for me. like, i feel good, i'm barely stressed out (except for the moving thing, which will be over in a few weeks), everything is going great, man. my therapist says i'm doing amazingly, but i may be spending a little bit too much time thinking about the relationship. i told her i'm not just sitting around dwelling on it, but i kind of need to just work through some of the memories. i was saying some of the biggest things were my regrets around how i didn't stand up for little A more when boy was verbally abusing him. it was partially because my mom talked to my brother and i the same way, so i just figured that's how some parents treat their kids (i have since learned in my youtube education about abusive/narcissistic parents/partners that it was, in fact, abuse), and partially because since i was just the step-parent, that i didn't really feel that it was my place to step in and say anything. i didn't want to undermine him in front of his child, but privately i would tell him that maybe it was a little much, maybe he went too far. he never apologized and never changed, but i tried. i was saying to my therapist that i just wish little A had known that someone was on his side, that his dad was out of line during all of that, because when my parents were doing it to me i wish someone had stood up for me. and listen - i will be the first to tell you that little A was absolutely a shitty kid. he was fucking awful. but that is something that you say in private, to other adults who understand how children should behave. you don't just scream in a kid's face for an hour and berate and belittle them and tell them that you love them but don't like them, that they're going to grow up to be a piece of shit like their mother, that they're "retarded." you just don't do that. so, that kind of sucks and i'm working through my guilt on it but my therapist was like hey, it's over, it happened. there's nothing you can really do now, you know? she's right. anyway, so that was pretty much the low point of the last couple weeks. the good stuff has been the inventory adventure with boss, which was exciting for me but not that successful, and on (last) wednesday we got SOOO much snow and were stuck driving in it, which was fun. fun because the drive gave us an opportunity to have some serious talks about his goals and the direction he wanted the business to go. he kept yelling at me for lecturing him but i told him no one else does it, and he needs to hear it because i care about him and the business and i want him to be healthy and less stressed and i want the business to succeed obviously because i want to make more money. he spent a lot of time thinking about the new place and his business partner there and decided that he really needs to confront this guy and try to figure out how we were going to make this work. worked saturday again but ended up with a huge fucking paycheck this week which was the best, went out to a really excellent dinner with best friend last night. boss and his partner were having heated words over text yesterday and today, so i said boss. you need to tell this guy clearly what it is you want from him. like they've always beat around the bush, and just when they seem to be getting there, partner is like welp, gotta go! and nothing is accomplished. i said, boss. TELL HIM in no uncertain terms that 1) he needs to stay until you are done talking, so set aside enough time to come to a solution that is satisfactory to everyone, and 2) tell him exactly what you want. it's either this or that, pick one, the end. boss always talks so much shit about how he's going to say this and that but then he never does, and it just builds up more and more and he's so stressed and unfocused in his life because of this unresolved conflict. so partner came by tonight, and boss was like please just be here for moral support. you keep me calm. i'm like alright man. so they have their meeting, and boss just put it all out there. they talked for over two hours, and in the end they decided to stay partners, among many other things. the best part for me is that boss told partner that it's unfair for partner to expect me to work for new store and not get paid anything from new store. it had been an ongoing issue that partner was expecting all of these things to get done but wasn't willing to hire someone to do it, so it just fell on boss and me, and we're obviously doing all of the work for original store as well as boss's other businesses. so boss worked out with partner that he would pay me for my hours at new store in addition to my hours at old store. bonus! best friend and i are also planning a bff vacay over the summer. this is the first time in years that i will have the money for this as well as be "allowed" to go away for a whole weekend. i'm going to stay with my brother and his wife this weekend too, and we're going to go out and be silly together. i'm just so excited, things are so awesome these days. i feel like the world has opened up so much for me. ok. gotta go pack for the weekend and try to go to sleep since i would like to get up a little early tomorrow, but no pressure really. reason #1000 i love my job. this wasn't a quick entry at all, actually ... it always turns out that way, doesn't it? |