my therapist says i'm doing great, and that i need to consciously continue being grateful for my new life because it will help me stay happy and positive.

i am all the time, but i will remember. honestly right now it feels so new and different to be so free and joyful after all that time that i can't imagine that it'll change, but i will keep her advice at the front of my mind and close to my heart.

i love my rituals. i love shopping on saturday and cleaning on sunday. i love my (ridiculously brief!) commute. i love my job and my coworkers and this little town.

i love having neighbors who i know, who aren't really loud and mean and who don't throw trash all over my lawn and bump their fucking car stereos at 1am right outside my open windows. i love being able to be nice, and to smile and talk to people without being accused of flirting with them.

i love having money and not having to worry about my bills all the time, and not being the absolute last on the list of importance. i love finally having my needs met. i love being able to have feelings and emotions again. i love being able to manage my own time, and being able to do things that i want to do again. i love having reciprocal relationships and not being a slave, a servant in my own place.

i love the spring, and the weather. i love the view of the sunset i have from my office window. i love feeling the breeze blow over me and smelling the sweet, sweet air. i love getting lost in it, hearing boss ask me, "what're you working on?" and i come back into the present and say, "i'm just enjoying the sunset," and he just shakes his head at me with a smile, and i know that he loves the person i am and i love him back just the same.

i am so happy and i am so thankful for all of this. my birthday is soon and i have lived a little more than a third of my life and i feel like i am finally free, like i have finally been let loose upon the world to find what i've always been looking for.

up until now, i was always a saver. i compulsively saved everything, i compulsively waited and never lived in the moment because there was always someone or something there to take away what i had. i was always promised another day, another day. i was always made to wait for later. and then the time passed, my opportunities passed, and i ended up with nothing.

it feels so good now to wake up and face the day and just wonder to myself, what will i do? what do i want? what am i going to work toward?

for once, to wake up without dread or fear or worry. to be in service of no one but myself.

i was reading rddt this morning and there was a thread about the weirdest way someone you know died, and there were a lot of stories about people who suddenly died of freak accidents or illnesses that were diagnosed too late. and i thought it would be awful to go out that way, but honestly, if i found out i had cancer or something and was going to die in a few months i would be devastated but also so thankful that i got to experience this - this joy of freedom - in my life before i was gone.

if you're in an abusive relationship of any kind - save yourself. save yourself now. the world is so beautiful on the outside.

2018-06-17: amazing weekend.
2018-06-10: organizing, assembling.
2018-06-10: going forth.
2018-05-23: i feel happy and good.
2018-05-15: clearing the last of the dead ends.



view the full archive

• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon


• Coming Soon

i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.