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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
organizing, assembling.
2018-06-10 @ 11:16 p.m.
i know i just posted last night but whateva! i do what i want. i woke up super late today because i couldn't go to sleep last night for some reason. i was really tired, but my body didn't want to go down. and then once i did around 3am, i couldn't wake up this morning. i know that was because i was achy from being in the car all day yesterday. the first couple of times i woke up i felt horrible (boycat woke me up by screaming really loud at 8am for no reason? i sat up suddenly and was like omg are you okay!? and he was just like, oh hey good morning, meow, and came and laid on my chest and purred really hard for 5 minutes. wtf dude? scared the shit out of me.), but i kept going back to sleep and when i finally woke up at around 11:30, i felt great. it was so weird, my body was like yeah, that's how much i needed. so i got up and drank coffee, watched some youtube videos, cleaned the living room, read the internet. then a couple hours later i went and made some lunch and got frustrated at how tiny my kitchen is. i've been asking boss for the past few weeks to come over and help me put up all of these shelves i ordered, and to help me build this little pantry i bought. i have literally no counter space - there's about a 12"x15" space in front of my coffee maker and that's it. there is a counter to the one side of the sink, but i have to put my dish drain on it. i have a baker's rack with some pretty decent surface area, but since there's so little storage area in the room, i have a bunch of stuff on top of that, so it's unusable too. i got this huge wall mounted spice rack, which would clear up a lot of space inside of my little rubbermaid shelving unit, which would allow me to put my dish towels and things inside of that instead of on top of the baker's rack, etc. etc. long story short, a lot of things will be able to be re-homed, and i will be able to have some workspace. oh, and don't even get me started on the things from my house that are still packed up in bags, just sitting on the kitchen floor! so it was like 3pm by this point and i was laying on the couch thinking of playing video games, and i was like you know what? i'm going to build that fucking pantry. i'm just gonna do it. i'm smart, and i'm strong. obviously i managed to pick the box up and bring it inside, so i am tough enough to build it and move it on my own. many of the amazon reviews of this thing complained that the directions were terrible, and that it was so hard to assemble, and blah blah, so i was fully prepared for it to be a shitty time. so i'm like let me just take it out of the package at least, and check out the directions, so i can get rid of at least one giant box taking up space in my kitchen. if it's too hard to do on my own, i'll just neatly pile the pieces up in front of the closet and wait for boss. two hours later, i have an adorable cherry red pantry in my kitchen. i was SO EXCITED to have completed this and put it into place, where it fit perfectly. i tucked away so many things, and there is still room for more. the surface of the baker's rack is almost completely cleared off, along with one of the shelves. i cleared out TWO drawers of the rubbermaid storage thingee and put away so many things. i cleared out two of the bags of things that came from my house. there's so much room to walk around now! i can open the oven ALL the way without having to rearrange the entire room. it's exciting. it may seem kind of dumb to be so excited about doing such a mundane task, but for me this is such a big deal. number one, i was actually able to afford to purchase this storage solution. number two, i measured the space and shopped carefully for the perfect thing. i've always been so unsure of myself, i've always second-guessed my judgment. i was terrified that i would buy the wrong thing, that it would be the wrong size, that i wouldn't like it. number three, it's been a long time since i've thought to myself, i can do this. i'm doing it right. a long time since i felt confident enough to do something stupid like this - build a small piece of furniture for myself. like, there are no stakes! the only person this matters to is me. but i had such a fear of doing things wrong for so long that i would have just let this sit here until someone could help me. and number four, the room is now mostly clear. it looks good. i feel good. much more organized and capable. so i did all of that, cleaned the whole kitchen, took out all of the trash, and vacuumed the living room. i had a lot more cleaning to do but i'll save it for tomorrow because i don't want to be rude to my neighbors (not everyone enjoys the sound of 10pm vacuuming). then, i prepped my lunches for the week. i'm excited for this one this week! well, i'm always excited about them but usually i eat some the night that i make it. since it was 10:30 by the time i was done, i just had some fruit and crackers and cheese instead because i didn't want to go to bed too late again. i'm excited about my lunches, i'm excited about my life. i'm going to have dinner with my brother and his best friend on friday, then my surprise trip is saturday with my brother and his wife, then i'm sure i'm having some kind of dinner with the rest of the family on sunday. things have never been this good. i'm so happy and thankful. i didn't think i would survive this, but here i am. i wish i had had more faith in myself all this time. but now i know that i'm more than i ever imagined. i was watching a therapy video the other day and the woman said, instead of beating yourself up over what happened, and how this person you thought was your soul mate completely duped you, look at it as though this person had to come into your life to help bring to light the things about you that needed to be changed. the traumas and pain from your past that you needed to address. they were your soulmate, your guardian angel in a different way. they forced you to become the person you needed to be, forced you to learn the lessons you needed to survive. and you're here right now, so you did! that really spoke to me. that's how i'll look at this whole thing from now on. he will always be searching for someone, something to make him feel whole, but i know he will never find it, and whatever he thinks he finds won't ever be enough. but like dorothy, i know i've had what i needed all along. |