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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
the day the bomb dropped.
2018-08-13 @ 5:16 p.m.
i have signed in almost every day for the past week or so in an effort to update but i've just been so busy at work. as soon as i get the tab opened, someone comes by my desk and needs something, or i need to go somewhere, or whatever. then once i get home i want to relax and game and clean. so it hasn't really fit into my schedule. now that so much time has passed and here i am with a little free time, i can't remember much that i had intended to write about, so i guess it wasn't really a huge deal. i do remember one of them though, because it happened on friday and i'm still kind of up in the air about it. i had ordered something and was waiting for it to be delivered. the delivery date passed, then a few days, then it's the end of the week and no item. i was getting all agitated about it and was going to complain to the company but realized it was being held with the delivery place. the day before i was talking to my coworker/neighbor and asked what was the deal, and he said he's only ever received anything on thursdays or fridays since he moved in. i was like oh well i guess it's just different out here in a small town, and decided to wait patiently. the next day i received the item. TS told me that it had been dropped off before i came in. a little later i see the dude from the delivery co coming up our driveway and i'm like hey! why did my item come so late!? and he's all exasperated, and says " i was hoping you'd come to pick it up!" i was at a point in my day where i was hangry so i just laughed and went to go pick up my lunch, but after i had eaten and was thinking rationally again i was like oh shit, was that guy trying to ask me out? (he's cool as hell and we always chat when i have to go ship stuff. long story but i think his new coworker probably pressured him into it after he saw us chatting it up last week.) that made me go aww, but then this cold terror ran through me. i'm not ready to date yet. i'm not ready at all. i don't know when i will be, either. i just looked at the date so i could say how long it has been, and it has been exactly one year today. 365 days ago, in about two and a half hours from now, the grandest sham of my life came to its abrupt close. i generally feel better about everything, but there's something deep inside me that i can't put words to that is still broken. like a little shard of my soul is permanently damaged. the rest of me is back together and seems to work okay most of the time, but the system is not operating at 100%. so i was like shit, what do i do if he DOES want to ask me out? do i say yes and go and tell him i can't handle a relationship now or in the foreseeable future? do i just tell him no, i'm too fucked up? i'd really like to be friends with him because he seems super cool but i'm terrified of anything going further, and i'm terrified of sending mixed signals. this is a conversation for my therapist but she would say you'll know if you're ready or not, and based on this, i'd say you're not. so now that we've established that, i don't know how to behave next time i see this guy. and of course i can't discuss this with any of my coworkers because they're all men and they'll never leave him alone if they find out. i hate this. of all the things he's taken from me, losing my sense of self and safety and self-assuredness has been the worst and cruelest crime. so happy anniversary to me, for regaining my freedom and my happiness, and finding my joy and my purpose. but i still have a bit of a way to go on that other stuff. |