tinea:any of a number of infectious diseases

�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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design by : ilazarn ikmal
powered by : diaryland

on feeling human.

2019-01-09 @ 8:22 p.m.

once again i am mentioning this mug. it looks like a thermos and i keep wanting to call it that, but it's not thermos brand, so mug it is. i made my tea at exactly 11am and it is still burning hot at 8:23. another thing i love about this mug is that it has a spout mouth, like a DD cup. you get a nice sip rather than a huge mouthful of literally boiling hot liquid. so happy with this purchase man, i need to go write a review.

we had boss's birthday and what did i say would happen, there was so much side-eye and raised eyebrow over the cake. then they started eating it and they were like wow, this is a good cake. wow, he must really be treating you good [sic]. don't give him too many presents. don't celebrate too much.

like, guys, i'm sorry i'm really good at my job and go above and beyond for this guy and he compensates me really well for it. fuck off with that. yes, it is established that he likes me likes me. but that's beside the point when you know i bust my ass for this guy. i'm always available to him when i say that i will be, and in turn he respects me and doesn't bother me when i say i won't. if i say i'm going to do something, i do it and i try to do my best every time. i admit when i have no idea what i'm doing. i don't dick around and waste time. i mean of course sometimes i'm writing here or i'm shopping on amz, but i'm working at the same time and it's not every day. or i'm on the phone on hold or eating lunch or whatever. i don't fucking STEAL from him! i don't lie to his face, all the time. apparently just doing these really basic things makes me the best employee boss has ever had, so he is appreciative of me and i am appreciative of him.

boy got like that near the end of the relationship. i wonder if he really thought that, or if it was just one of the many incredibly offensive things he said in the months leading up to it. like i wonder if he really hated that boss did nice things for me. he just never ever seemed happy for me when i told him about boss helping me out, giving me more hours, giving me a raise, anything. boy would never do anything for me, go out of his way for me, and hated for anyone else to either, i guess.

i was driving somewhere to pick up some checks the other day and i started having thoughts about how good it feels to feel more human now. back to what i was saying about boy, though - as time went on, he seemed to not enjoy seeing me happy about anything, and he also seemed to not see me as a human being. for example, i know i mentioned in here over the years how he would always just pass out and fall asleep. well, he would SLEEP sleep. so it would be like 7pm, and he'd fall asleep for hours, until 1:30-2am. i would get up to go upstairs to bed, and try to wake him up to come too, but then he'd be wide awake and mad at me for being tired. then it would become a huge fight because i would say you know, you've been asleep for like 6-7 hours, but i've been sitting here awake and it's late now and i have to go to bed. a few times i yelled in exasperation, what, do you think i'm a fucking doll? that i just sit around in suspended animation, waiting for you to look at me before i can do anything?

the more i think about it, so many of our interactions, him, it made me realize that yes, that's exactly how he viewed me. there were a few times where he said the most absolutely horrendous things about my face and my body. like this one time he was examining my face really closely, like he was viewing a fucking specimen or something, like i wasn't even there. and he just makes this disgusted face at me and said something about how i would look better if my face wasn't so round. and i remember the way he said "round," and was squinting and looking over me, and i was so HURT and said, i'm sorry, that's just the way my face has been shaped? my whole life?

i couldn't eat until he was ready to eat, or that was a fight. i couldn't watch a movie i really wanted to see because he really wanted to see it too, and i couldn't watch it without him!!! but EVERY time i wanted to watch it he would say he wasn't in the mood. so, i just never got to see movies anymore. i felt so held hostage. i felt, so often, that i couldn't even think anymore ... i really did just become a husk of a person waiting for my next command. and then if i did something wrong or he was just in that kind of mood, he would talk to you like you were a fucking dog. even writing this now, i can feel my heart AND my stomach ache remembering some of the shit he said to both me and little A. i know i've said it before, but "dehumanizing" is really the best word.

it feels disgusting being in those memories so i just put them here and shed the skin. taking them out and leaving them, brick by brick. and i feel lighter and lighter each day, stronger, more human, more of a person.

it's getting easier to make the connections now. everything keeps getting clearer. with boy, it was the same as it was with my parents. i don't think many people understand how hard it is to grow up into a normal, well-rounded adult when the theme of almost every significant relationship you've had in your life is: "you don't matter." i remember coming out of some horrible arguments, being shouted down and demeaned and steamrolled and lied to and gaslit and purposefully misinterpreted, looking in the mirror wondering if i deserved to be spoken to and treated so poorly, and concluding, "well, yeah, i am a piece of shit. this is just what i get."

no! it's not okay.

i feel that i am almost there, almost 90% deprogrammed now. but i am still afraid of making the same kind of mistakes again. i am a lot more wary of people now, a lot more guarded. but i guess those years and years of ignoring my gut instinct made the muscle weak, and it's hard to trust myself. as soon as i fully realize my humanness, i want to work on this. i'm not lonely, and i'm not really at all interested in dating right now, but i don't want the thought of it to cause me anxiety should i decide to.

was that a weird paragraph? i'm SUPER trying to condense all of these wild thoughts on this ... i was going to save it to write about another time but i wanted to strike while the iron was hot. it was kind of abstractly about "feeling human" but it addressed so many feelings and realizations i've had recently.

like i was in the shower last night and i was like wow, that fucking guy looked right into my eyes and lied to me on some of the hugest things, and i'm sure was chuckling to himself about how stupid i must be. to me, i just can't even imagine doing that to a person. it's just not even in my vocabulary. how can you think so little of a person? but then i came back to what i had been thinking the other day - he didn't see me as human. he didn't think anything of me. he didn't give a shit how anything would affect me because he didn't care about me at all. i was just there to help him get what he wanted until he wanted something else.

i'm sorry i've been rambling so much but i don't know, i think it's cool that i have opinions and feelings again. gradually, it's all so much more vivid and real. i'm here.

i forgot to mention i tried the blutooth thingee i got the other day when i was dropping off those checks and it works wonderfully. excellent sound quality. the new fast charging cables i bought work perfectly with it, too. now i can drive with pandora and maps and everything running at the same time and my phone will be charged!! i wanted to go away this weekend but boss really wants me to work because we have a lot of stuff to do, so i said i'd stay. then, some customer came in and said we're supposed to get crazy fucking snow on saturday night. oh well. next weekend, then.

everything is great. i'm really excited about and thankful for the little things. i love the little things.

and finally, i am also really thankful for dland, which has never let me down and has always been there for me after all of these years. i'm going to buy supergold when i get paid again in a couple of weeks because i really want to support this place. it's been my constant through so many trials, my memory when my brain failed me. i saw the little news update when i signed in and was like wow, andrew is still out there truckin, trying to improve this tiny little alcove of the net for us. i appreciate it so much, you have no idea. i think it's something important enough for me to budget in.