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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
quality of life improvements.
2019-01-21 @ 10:20 p.m.
hey so. first of all, i fucking told myself this morning that i shouldn't wear mascara today. my one eye was really irritated, like there was a piece of fur or an eyelash or something really small but scratchy on it. and i was like self, it's really cold outside, your eyes are going to water and mascara will go into your eye and make it even worse! but no, i had to be cute. i am sure you know how this story ended. i forgot it was a holiday today and put out the trash last night, one item of which was this giant box i had been keeping in my living room only because my cat loved it so much. yesterday i was cleaning and organizing and i was like dude i love you, but this box has to go. the apartment is SO fucking small. the box was taking up 75% of the walking space in between the rooms. so i snuck it out last night and since it was so fucking WINDY last night (today too, and like 7 degrees literally) i put my two trash bags inside of it to hold it down. this morning i went outside to go to work and i saw that they didn't take the trash due to the holiday, but apparently someone took the box? i don't know why i find it so funny, i mean it was a really big box. it just makes me chuckle that someone was like wow, pull over! that's a great box! and took the time to take the trash out of it and everything. well, enjoy. i woke up today to my account being overdrawn because i changed my auto insurance billing date but forgot about my renter's, so i quickly transferred some funds over from savings to fix it. i can't even describe how awesome it felt to be able to do that without even thinking twice about whether i had money to cover it. that was the only item that threw me off budget. i was down to like $8.75 but still on budget!! and boss came back from being out all day and was like hey, want me to pay you today? and i was like sure!! so then i got that out of the way. really great. i stopped and grabbed a few things i needed from the store (and a few i didn't but you know how it is), and now my food shopping is mostly done until thursday or friday if i push it. ugh, i just realized i forgot to get cream for my coffeeeeeeeeee uggghhhhhhhhhhhh ....... no, i will suffer. i can't go back out. it's too fucking cold out there man. anyway. so also, boss was like hey i was cleaning out my pantry and there is just all of this shit that my wife and daughter (who is on some kind of special diet) bought and either forgot we already had or never used. inside this huge bag were all kinds of cake mixes, like 10 cans of fucking tomato paste (why did they need this much), cous cous, pasta, etc. i looked through it and was pretty excited because i've had some recipes i've been wanting to make that needed these particular items. other items are things that i like but never buy. so for the past hour i've been sitting and looking up recipes for this stuff. that's another nice savings - now all i need to do is buy meat and veg for the next few weeks. i have everything else! i'm super duper excited to do this one cous cous recipe with roasted zucchini and eggplant, tomato paste and basil. maybe i'll do some grilled shrimp or scallops with it, or maybe some chicken shawarma. i'm so excited to be cooking again, even though the kitchen is a challenge because it's so incredibly small. but i'll figure it out. it feels so good. i am definitely taking off this weekend and going for a drive. i need to be alone with some music and my thoughts. i hope it's a sunny day, i miss those. even if it's freezing cold, the sun is worth a lot. i want to go exploring until the sun starts to fall, then i want to treat myself to an excellent meal somewhere. i will come home and play video games and wash the dishes and prepare myself for sunday baking. sunday will come and i will leisurely wake up, enjoy my babyboy purring on my chest and my coffee, and then i will hop into the kitchen for a long day of cookies. some with lemon, some without. it'll be a nice experiment. i'm also getting expensive butter for this. i really want to go all the way. when i read back over my entries sometimes, i'm like, wow i am so fucking boring. like even ER and JC said, independently of each other, man you were always out and about and doing stuff every weekend. and yeah, that was cool, but i think that the simple satisfaction of having some goals, laying them out and making actions toward them, and then actually ACCOMPLISHING those goals is so underrated. from something as simple as making a spring cleaning list of items i want to go through and throw out, and then ACTUALLY DOING IT. i know i seem boring to them now but it's not exciting to hear about how i actually sat down and pared down papers, threw away old things i no longer needed, organized the cabinets. found a recipe that i like and then actually made it. spending some serious time shopping for more versatile wardrobe items to replace the ones that i'm going to donate. backing up and deleting items from my phone. it's hard to explain how much more enjoyable these little quality of life improvements are than hanging out with people. don't get me wrong, i enjoy hanging out with my people. but i don't need to do that every weekend. getting my life together, clearing out the old memories holding me back -- that's where it's at. i'm in love with myself, i'm in love with the future and worrying about just myself. each day gets easier and easier. while i was driving home from that store detour this evening i was thinking about this time two years ago. i was in a desperate situation, absolutely broke, just hanging on after boy had left me with thousands in bills unpaid and best friend had just left me after going back to familiar, safe domesticity. i remember that winter, insanely cold, but raining/sleeting all the time, and i needed any and all hours so badly that i stood outside in the unheated shed doing filing work. i didn't have a proper coat and i couldn't afford one so i was wearing one of boy's long sleeved shirts he had left behind, a sweatshirt, and then another sweatshirt and fingerless gloves. my fingers ached to the bone and i would go inside once every half hour to warm up for a minute. i remember thinking, i just need to get back on my feet, then i'll find a better job. i just needed any money, and this was a sure thing. how things have changed. how different it all is! i thought to myself as i sat there, bundled up in my new coat, and my under armor, my hat and my gloves and my scarf. how different is the person who sits here now, who knows better than to get into a situation where she can barely take care of herself. where her needs are never met but she's expected to give 500% for someone else. i have so much to look forward to this year. going up and no longer just treading water. never in my life have things fallen into place so easily, so effortlessly, so perfectly. my relationships are better, easier. i'm no longer restrained in conversation because i'm no longer hiding this huge secret. i don't have to remember things i'm allowed to talk about and things i'm not. okay, goodnight. my album is over, my eyes are burning, and my cat is exhausted next to me. time for a shower and a snuggle in a nice fresh bed. it's late but i think i have the energy to change my bed to flannel sheets. it'll be worth it. <3 |