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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
in the moment.
2019-01-28 @ 9:14 p.m.
i took off on saturday and went on a drive, but the day was kind of (well, it was really) disappointingly short because i woke up super late (cat sleeping on me, super cozy, turned off alarm) and then my parents randomly called and wanted to talk for fucking 45 minutes. i was trying to get dressed and ready and everything with them on speakerphone but it was difficult and the amount of time it took showed. i just am really trying to have a pleasant, friendly relationship with them (particularly my stepdad, with whom my relationship can be characterized as "usually civil," and he's the one who initiated the call, which is rare)* so i didn't want to ignore the call or cut them off. anyway, so i left over an hour late, which killed so much of my daylight hours. but my little blutooth thing worked perfectly!! and so did my new charging cable <333 so i only had to touch my phone like twice the whole day. it was so good. so, so good. i was cruising around, and for the longest time when i would do these rides, i would find myself flashing back to this or that argument, yet another time he hurt me, my mind whirling through another memory of a snippet of conversation which would, years later, inadvertently uncover another lie. so many times i would have to talk myself down, literally say out loud to myself, "STOP." i would zone out for so long on that shit. but this time, my music was just so on point. an easy jazzy beat tape. a chilly vibe, perfect for the winter. there was a lot more snow on the ground in north jersey. the roads were winding and icy. the sun glittered off of the pools of ice that had frozen between the trees. a group of people skated on a frozen lake in the middle distance. little plumes of chimney smoke emerged from the valley. i was really there this time. i was really taking it in. that's why it was so disappointing that the day was so short - i didn't get to spend enough time in this amazing headspace. i felt so calm, so present, so content. instead of all of those terrible things, my mind wandered instead to my cat, who just delights me to no end and is an incredible little buddy, boss, who loves me so much and i love him too. our dynamic is so great, we work really well together and don't get pissy with each other. he is so kind to me and really understands my nature, but never exploits it. this is a big thing for me, in my life. a really significant leap forward in an interpersonal relationship. once again - it feels really, really good. after my trip i came home and went grocery shopping, then got sushi from two of my favorite places to combine into one epic platter. it was amazing. sunday, i lounged around and i cooked a side dish for my lunches this week from some of the stuff that boss gave me. after i made it, of course i tasted it, and it was so good that i immediately grabbed a huge bowl and sat down to tear it UP! i couldn't believe how delicious it was, and the recipe was kind of weird but i just followed it figuring that they just do some things differently in middle eastern cooking. they do, and the techniques are worth it! today i grilled up some fish rubbed with some homemade ras el hanout (i made a special trip for the fish saturday night) and assembled everything together with a tiny little side salad. when i got in to work, boss was eating something extremely similar his mom made for him. i said, ah, i made some too! and he said he'd have to "inspect" mine to make sure i did a good job. haha. but for real, it was so good. i've paid nearly $30 a plate for worse food (MUCH worse). like, recently. it was the first meal in a long time i've been so proud of and excited by that i wanted to blog it. and then i thought, wow. remember when you used to do that? when you had so many hobbies and did so many things? it's coming back. you're getting it back! like when robin williams remembers how to play in the food fight with the lost boys. i'm remembering that delight in cooking, in neatness, in that shaft of afternoon sun. i hope that i get enough energy back to start working out again. i keep saying i'm going to start up again but i never do. i know i need it, so badly. kind of funny that this customer (who is also my neighbor) came over tonight to ask boss some advice about a leaking washing machine. she was lingering on for a really long time, and i kept looking over at boss and giggling because i know she has a little bit of a thing for him. (one night he and i were doing bills or something really late and she came over to ask him a question, hung around for a long time, then went home and "accidentally" texted him "i want to fuck you so bad!" boss was like omg what do i do? do i respond!? and i said no, don't even acknowledge it man! and he was like, i have to. so he called her or something and was like uh hey lol did you text me? and she was like oh, haha, that was for my ... long distance boyfriend. we were sexting. and he's like oh haha okay. i was like holy shit, what a coverup. she wants your sausage! and he refused to believe it, and still does. important backstory.) so anytime she comes over i tease him, "oh your girlfriend is here!" so anyway, they're chatting politely and she was showing us photos of her kids and i commented that her son and daughter could be twins. and she's like yeah i can't believe i had my daughter, i swore no more kids after my son. and then she starts going into graphic detail about the births and basically how destroyed her vagina is now. it was fucking horrifying for me as a woman (and i told her i was so happy i stayed strong and never had any, because i knew i wasn't down for all that), but i look over her shoulder and boss is back there like throwing up in his mouth. he's so squeamish, especially about this kind of stuff. i wanted to laugh my ass off but i was grimacing at this woman's story of literally getting torn a new asshole as her blue, dead baby was put on her chest (luckily she was resuscitated and turned out to be the smartest one in the family). but yo. fuck that. sooooooo i guess that's all, like saturday was so magical but i need to have more discipline next time and get up on time and not let anyone stop me from leaving. i also did not do my baking project which kind of sucked, but i did buy the ingredients so i can do it anytime. the side dish was pretty intense time-wise so by the time i finally finished with it there was no room left in the sink for anything. and it was late. now it's just another thing to look forward to. i'm going to go to bed now! last time i wrote i said i was going to put my flannel sheets on, and i did that night. ahhhhhhh man. so good. it's been pretty cold here and i have super drafty windows. i found this out that wonderful day it was like 17 degrees and windy as hell and every time the wind howled outside i could feel a stiff draft roll through here. i like it a little chilly indoors but not THAT chilly. ok goodnight! * dude, my parents. like i know i kind of allude to how it is with them and i've written about my mom a fair amount, but like, just to kind of simplify the situation, because i often sort of just sigh and say "ugh my parents" ... i need to sort of boil them down to a series of adjectives and phrases so you can understand how unpleasant it is for me to crush down my feelings about them as people and the things they believe in and say. at this point in my life, after all this therapy, i'm just deciding to suck it up and separate myself from their opinions and their behavior, and live in the moment and enjoy the moments that are nice. that is all i am going to get and the best that i can expect. but real talk, my parents are these awful, mean, passive-aggressive, greedy, craven, selfish, racist, condescending, hypocritical lizard people, completely lacking in human empathy. i often want to write about some of the shit they say and i'm just like, no, i don't ever want to remember that a person that i love had that opinion. they are super wealthy and successful and hate each other but are so miserable that i am sure they know they'd never make it without each other. normal people can't tolerate speaking to people like this for more than 5 minutes. they are so artificial and negative and unapologetically cruel and don't have any friends at all.** ** is it hilarious that this whole paragraph also perfectly describes boy? derp. |