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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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nightmare.

2010-03-21 @ 3:46 p.m.

i had a dream last night that he had to go pay a bill in camden, and while he was there, someone stabbed him and he was killed. i found this out via text message from one of my students, GS, and i was horrified.

i remember running around trying to get ahold of someone who would know for sure, because i was wondering how this student knew it was him, but in the back of my mind i knew i had mentioned his name before. finally i got ahold of his mom, who told me that indeed, he was dead. and i said, "isn't he in a hospital somewhere? i want to see him!" and she told me that once people die, they don't keep them in the hospital anymore, and there was nothing i could do. i wouldn't be able to see him again.

and i was just so hopeless, and i was crying in the dream, and saying over and over, "this has to be a dream! this can't be possible," but i couldn't wake up, and everything seemed so real. the despair i felt in that moment was absolutely horrifying, because to myself i was thinking, "i truly don't need to live anymore if you aren't going to be with me." and i remember thinking of all of the plans we had together for the future, and so many things that were still uncertain but because we were together we would figure them out.

i remember i was almost delirious with sadness and confusion, and everything seemed yellow around me. this yellow haze over my eyes. and then, finally, i closed my eyes in the dream and said, "please let this be a dream," and my eyes opened and i was awake in my bed, in the dark. it was only 3am or so, but it felt like i had been sleeping for days. and my body was still wracked with his horrible feeling, the pit of my stomach got deeper and deeper, and i rolled over to look at my phone and saw no such message from my student, and thought about texting him to tell him i loved him, but i didn't because i knew he wouldn't understand, so i just went back to sleep.