| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
too bad.
2010-04-30 @ 8:36 p.m.
i guess i get what i deserve for being nosy. i wasn't being nosy really, i just thought i'd see if he finally added me back on facebook. i don't know why he doesn't do it, and i guess it's because we all do honestly need our space (i know i have a million secrets from everyone, some probably including myself). but i went to his page and saw that he changed his "looking for" to like everything, including "dating" and "a relationship." and of course i saw this about 30 minutes before i was headed out to a very serious job interview, so my stomach was in knots and i had to go to the bathroom twice because i was so sick, and my hands were shaking and my eyes were welling up. i know it's really stupid, and i know he probably didn't do it on purpose, because according to every single thing he says to me and does for me, he loves me. but i don't know why, it just made me so upset. i talked to him after the interview and he told me how amazing i am and how much he misses me and needs me and has to talk to me every day or he feels unfulfilled. the day before yesterday he was telling me that he feels completely different and serene when he comes down here to be with me ... like it's not normal life, but perfect happiness. so now i have this stupid little conflict in the back of my mind, making me wonder, making me afraid, making my heart break just a little bit. but it doesn't feel like it used to. it makes me angry, but i have grown so numb that anger passes through me like a breeze. i felt so ill earlier, but i pushed it down and balled it up and put it away, and when i talked to him i had nearly forgotten it. it was there, but it didn't feel like it did when i first saw it. i looked at it again later, hours later, and this time i just shook my head. "too bad," i said inside myself. i don't want to lose him, but he would lose the most in losing me. in his life, he will never meet another girl who will love him as perfectly as i do. i shouldn't think of it that way, as though something's going wrong, when it's just me making a mountain out of a molehill. but really, all i ever do is distance myself. from everything. i keep my expectations low, so i am rarely disappointed. |