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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
the longest day.
2010-05-31 @ 5:28 p.m.
this weekend is a blur to me, already. the boy came to me friday, and we went out with one of my ex co-workers for dinner, then as soon as we got home, we ripped each other's clothes off and went crazy in bed. we enjoyed each other later that night as well, and he went downstairs to grab a snack and smoke a bowl as usual. neither of us slept well, and we both woke up at around 6:50 on saturday morning. he rolled over and grabbed my hand and made me feel both sides of his face, and i said that yeah, his left cheek/jaw did seem a little bit swollen. we fell back asleep and slept hard. i woke up around 12, and he woke up at 2. when he came down the stairs, i could see the alarm in his eyes. the left side of his face was now huge. he asked me what to do, and i told him he needed to go to the doctor, but it was goddamned memorial day weekend, so we went to the walgreen's clinic around the corner. his fucking amazing health insurance covers pretty much everything on earth except this clinic visit. he could either pay the $65 for the NP to look at him and refer him elsewhere, or he could just go to the ER and have it looked at where they might be able to actually do something. we went to the hospital ER and waited and waited and waited. he didn't tell me until the third hour, but he was in an incredible amount of pain and they were taking their time getting to him even though there was barely anyone there. he was getting increasingly irritable because he was starving and thirsty and frustrated and no one was helping us, they just moved us from place to place. he was getting mad at me, but he was mostly mad that he texted his mom when we first entered the hospital telling her he was in the ER, and she never responded. he just felt really insulted and unappreciated and hurt and literally hurting. finally this cute gay doctor came and told him he probably has an abscess in the root of his tooth, and needs to see a dentist immediately. he gave him penicillin, percoset, and high dose ibuprofen and sent us on our way. he said it was smart of him to have come in, because sometimes these things can go straight to your heart or your brain and kill you. he didn't say it so eloquently, he actually first asked if boy had any advance directives or a living will, then used his finger to illustrate the path of infection from jaw to brain, and made a little hand-fireworks motion to indicate your brain exploding or something and death. he was so frustrated that the hospital visit probably cost him $400 and his mom didn't give a shit about him but always drops everything for his sister. he was frustrated that they couldn't just stick something in his face and make it better. he was frustrated that he was being mean to me because he was so frustrated about everything else. so on the way home he said he was just going to go in and pack everything up and leave. i told him not to, and he said that he didn't want to be shitty to me. and i told him not to worry about it, i'd just leave him alone, and he said no, no, he ruined everything and needed to go. really at that point i had had enough. it was enough for me not to cry the moment we stepped in the ER, because this shit really is serious despite how cavalier we seemed. i had held it together those long 3 hours we sat there, holding his hand and biting my tongue when he lashed out at me for no reason. i don't think i said more than 20 words the entire time we were there, because every time i opened my mouth, he snapped at me. so we were driving home, and i'm siting there listening to him tell me how he's ruined everything and was leaving to go back to his mom's house (the exact place he DIDN'T want to be), and i just started crying. i couldn't stop myself. the tears were just streaming down my face, and i just looked out the window and wiped my eyes, and he was so absorbed in being angry and texting his mom while he was driving and repeating "when we get back, i'm just gonna pack my stuff and go, i'm just gonna go" that he didn't even realize how upset i was until we were practically at my house. and he just looked at me surprised and said, stammering at first, "why are you crying?" and i tried to explain to him that i care about him more than anyone else in this world, and that i want to be with him whether he's happy or mad or upset or hurting or whatever, and that i was just so goddamned frustrated that he doesn't see that. and he told me that he's a baby when he's upset, and i asked him how many more times in his life is he going to be upset or hurt? and was he going to run from me every time? and he was just saying, "fine, fine, i'll stay, just please stop crying ..." i could barely speak or see because i was sobbing so hard, and i just walked into my house and directly upstairs into my bathroom where i sat on the toilet and cried into the sink. i heard him come up the stairs eventually, and i heard him going through his bag, and i supposed he told me he was going to stay to get me to stop, and when i didn't, he decided to go anyway. the rustling stopped and he said really softly through the closed door, "my mom told me to come get my shit." i opened just a crack, and he added, "i just texted her back to ask if it could wait til monday, and she hasn't responded yet." he was just standing there in my mostly darkened room, looking so defeated, his face huge on one side. and my heart swelled because i love him so much, so i left the bathroom and put my arms around him, and i could hear his voice shaking in my ear as he said, "i'm sorry i made you cry. i never ever want to make you cry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry." and he kissed my face everywhere and hugged me tightly, and i tried to tell him that i was so scared all day, and i never want anything to happen to him, but some words made it out and others got caught in my throat. he told me i didn't have to say anything else because he knew, he understood, and we just hugged in the dark until his mother called again. while they yelled on the phone at each other, i blew my nose in the bathroom, then got into bed. what an unbearably long, difficult day. after he hung up with her, he got into bed with me and for the second time ever, i saw his eyes well up as he asked me what he did wrong, and why his mother didn't love him as much as she loved his sister and the vagrant heroin addict boyfriend who stole $30k from her. he was saying, "i don't understand," and i was kissing the side of his head and he put his arms around me. he said, "you're the only person who actually cares about me," and that made me cry more, because it's true that no one in his life can be bothered to give him the time of day but me. and i love him so fully and completely despite everything. we got up and got ready to go out and pick up his prescriptions, and he grabbed me as i was putting my shoes on and kissed me and told me that he never wants to make me cry again, that it kills him and that i'm the last person he should be hurting. and i couldn't help but smile, and my eyes were still puffy and brimmed with tears, but i felt like all of this just made me feel closer to him, and as horrible as it all was, it was good, in a strange way. |