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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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design by : ilazarn ikmal
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why i write, and disappointment.
2010-09-08 @ 8:54 p.m.


i changed my template. i think it makes sense for me. i've wanted to change it for ages, i just couldn't find anything that i thought was appropriate for what i'm trying to do here.

i'm glad i phrased that sentence that way because i've been meaning to say something about that. that, meaning, what i'm trying to do here. i was reading a random diary the other day where someone was saying that they no longer felt the need to divulge all of their secrets on the internet to strangers. that same day, i came across a few other diaries with a similar sentiment, but in different words, and i thought it was strange. i wonder what some people's intentions are when they get into this kind of thing. for me, personally, i came here so i could say anything. i am completely anonymous. i feel that i censor myself when i write in a paper journal, just incase it is discovered and read one day. on paper, there are so many things i am afraid to say, and so many things that i would be horrified for someone else to know. but here? no one knows me. i can be completely and totally candid, and that is important for historical accuracy. even the embarrassing, disgusting, shameful things about myself need to be preserved exactly as they happened. this is the only place i can do that.

for the longest time, this diary never had anyone reading it that i knew of. i didn't keep track of that sort of thing. i wrote in it and received a random note or two (probably when people saw me in "recent public entries"), but never paid any attention to its "audience." i never cared about the community part of diaryland. then one day i was just clicking around and found out that people were reading me. so i kept writing, and writing more often, because i realized that i can kill two birds with one stone this way: the people who enjoy reading me will have something to read, and these important moments in my life will be recorded, instead of simply experienced and lost.

so i just think it's strange. i suppose some people view this thing as blogging, rather than keeping a diary, and that's why they feel that they've grown out of it, or whatever. but i don't think there's an age limit to keeping a diary. your life is as long as you live, and there's something important about keeping it, and remembering it. to me, anyway.

that's the end of that. completely off topic now, on saturday i asked someone on etsy to make the boy this very specific thing for his birthday on friday (THIS friday, as in the one after tomorrow). i told the seller this, and about the urgency of the situation, and he said it was totally cool and he would make it and ship it out tuesday. here we are wednesday night at almost 10, and i haven't heard from the seller since sunday. i've sent him a number of messages and he has not responded. i was so excited about the item, and i got HIM so excited about it because it's something phenominally difficult to find anywhere the way he wants it (it's something he mentioned ages ago, but doesn't know i'm getting it for him now). i am so crushed i could cry. now i'm faced with ordering something else for him tonight and having it overnighted to me, even though it won't be custom like i said it would be, and really isn't even what i wanted, or waiting for this seller to get back to me whenever he feels like it, and the birthday will be over, and i will have to wait until next friday because he lives at his mother's house again*.

*yes, he lives at that house. his grandmother said he could stay there rent and bill free until it sells, since it's sitting empty anyway.

i guess i am just really sad because he's gone now, and i'm walking around and seeing all of these little reminders of our life together. this is just another thing to upset me. i spent most of the day looking at real estate up there that we could afford on both of our incomes. where last year, it would have been absolutely and positively out of the question to move back up north, it is now a necessity. i look at those empty rooms and imagine us in them, smiling, the leaves falling, together again.