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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
lost weekend.
2010-09-13 @ 12:25 a.m.
i've been either way drunk or high or both the past few days so i haven't had much to say and honestly don't remember much of what we did. weed makes most things less urgent and everything tolerable. i won't make it a habit again, though. too much mindless eating and sleeping and avoiding responsibility. that's totally delightful and all, but i need to get focused. boy and i sat down and had a serious conversation last night about what we were going to do, and areas we were looking at. it was just so matter of fact, like "where are you going to work?" he asks me, and i tell him i guess i'm going to look for some more temporary stuff until we get settled. i'm telling him about areas that are nice, with a lot of land, and he's saying, "can you raise a kid in [township] though?" like this is all completely logical and reasonable to be discussing with me. that was all nice, but he was distant and moody for days, because even though it was his birthday and he loved what i got him, and the dinner experience and all that, it was also his son's birthday and she wouldn't let him see his child, she texted him that they were blowing out the candles on his cake and the son said, "my dad can't be here because he doesn't care about me," (which is absolutely fucking ridiculous. like seriously.) so of course it was "nice," but only because he was pretending it was. she makes me so mad because her mission is to make him miserable, and even though he knows this, he still allows her to get to him and ruin good times. this same thing happened last year on his birthday. he was nearly in tears because of what she does to him, those perfectly worded texts like quick daggers right to his vitals. i hate her for what she does to him, and to us, but i do wish to thank her for driving him closer to me. i will never be her, and i will be the furthest from her that he can get. bad things happen to bad people. i am just patient and i will wait for it to happen to her. he and i are filling out the divorce paperwork this coming weekend. she has no idea what's coming. kiss your $1400 a month in spousal support goodbye, you stupid cunt. how long did you really think he was going to put up with your shit? hope you can afford your texting plan on no income, since the handouts are over. maybe you'll actually have to get a fucking job for once in your life. i think i am so hateful today because i had to choose allergy pills over vodka, and my uterus is killing me. boy is impatient and took two of those lortab the other day when he was really hurting after work, but his stomach was empty so he spent a good ten minutes throwing them up. it's so annoying that he self-doses his medications like that. i really could use one of those right now but they're swimming around in a sewer somewhere in the northern part of the state. |