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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
addiction.
2010-09-27 @ 1:14 p.m.
i have two addictions in life, and though they may not seem like a big deal, they are often debilitating when i try to ignore them. first, i am addicted to caffeine. specifically, coffee. i must have it. within a half hour of waking up, i need to have a cup or the migraine begins. it's overcast today, so i woke up and attempted to take pictures of some things while the sun peeked through the clouds for a moment, but my hands were shaking so badly from lack of coffee that everything came out blurry and i'm just going to have to do it again. what's ironic about the caffeine addiction is you'd think that having had this problem for a good 10 years now, i'd have a higher tolerance to it, but i don't. if i drink a really stiff cup, like i did this morning, my hands shake even worse than without. i get almost lightheaded, and i feel high. if i drink coffee - or even a strong black tea - before bed? i can't sleep. what an aggravating body i have. the second one is a chapstick addiction. i've seen people make fun of this before, and there's a website support group (with 12 steps and all) out there for chapstick addicts, but it comes off as a joke to people. it was voted into the list of the 500 stupidest websites ever a few years ago. but for me, and the handful of other people i have read about with this problem, it's very serious. i am the most even-tempered, calm and casual person you will ever meet. my high-strung type A friends always call me when they're freaking out because just being around me makes them chill. my one friend, D, who will actually make herself sick with anxiety sometimes, calls me "samuel l." (remember pulp fiction when he's yelling, "be cool, bitch! be cool!!"?) i am that person. however, if i reach into my pocket for a swipe of chapstick and find my tube gone, i fly into a mini-panic. then, if i look into my purse and find that it is not in there either, my anxiety increases. if my backup tube is missing? if i can't leave wherever i am to get another, it's time for a serious panic attack. i can think of nothing but the way my lips feel. i can't eat, i can't concentrate on conversations i'm having, i can't breathe. licking my lips only makes it 100x worse, but that's what i'm compelled to do. being without chapstick causes me physical pain. the people i know think i'm being ridiculous, but they know it is a problem for me. if i don't have a tube and i start freaking out, they'll offer me whatever they have, and i think that's really sweet of them, but i can't accept it. i don't know why, but i think it's really gross to use someone else's. even my boyfriends, whomever i've been dating, or my own family have offered me theirs and i say no. it's really crazy when you think about it, especially the boyfriends part. we've had our tongues in places we can't show in public, but i won't share his lip balm? really? i've never made any sense. no two things about me ever have. i am sitting here, and it's now 1:48, and boy was supposed to get off work early today, but i'm sure that his boss could sense that he wanted to see me and do something fun so he told him to go to a different job site for the rest of the day. so now he won't get here until at least 5pm, giving us only 3 hours or so before he needs to head back up north. i hate being separated like this, but let's not get started being depressed already. |