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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
impromptu on childfreedom, and shitty weekend.
2010-10-03 @ 10:12 p.m.
we were talking about how difficult it is to figure out when we get to see each other, and how we're going to do this, or afford that, and he says, "well these are the kinds of things i'm going to have to figure out if i want our lives to coincide." and i thought that was really cute, the way he put it. because it really is work, being so far away. so often he makes these comments about kids, and i know sooner or later we're going to have to really confront it and deal with it, and i really don't want to. i don't think it's become a big deal yet because i don't think he knows what he wants yet due to all of the other shit going on in his life. like a few times in the past few months i thought i could be relieved because he's said, "i'm never having another kid," and "i never want to have another kid so i don't have to have a favorite." and i'm like ahh. good. then yesterday, we're at the zoo and he says, "ugh. i hate kids." (meaning, other people's kids), and last night, we're listening to the neighbors in the driveway (we were in the garage, smoking) and he's like "i hate kids. especially little girls. they're so annoying." but then this morning, after his shitty ex-wife berated him for an hour and a half while i slept peacefully in bed, he says, "i want another kid to make up for the one i've lost." i know a lot of this is his frustration at the whole divorce and custody battle, but none of those are the right reasons for having another kid, especially with someone who doesn't want one (any) at all. my mind will not be changed about this, which is why i hope every day that he will come around. the closest to compromise that i will allow is adoption, but for some men that's not enough because the kid isn't "real" (which i think is disgusting, sorry). even on the impossible chance that i would change my mind, i have so many reproductive issues that have probably already made me infertile. what happens when he finds that out? is not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids any different, really? that's the one thing we can't and don't communicate about. it's not the time now, anyway. it'll be at least 2 more years before i can sell my house, 3 before his credit is good enough to even look for another one. i'm still unemployed. (those paragraphs about kids weren't in my original plan ... the issue only came up because i'm sitting here, feeling my uterus churn and cramp, feeling those sharp pains caused by my ovarian cysts, wishing that they would just perform a hysterectomy on me so i could live without this constant pain.) but anyway. we've seen better weekends together. it started off great, friday we had a fantastic dinner, then yesterday a great time at the beach and zoo, but we took some THC pills my friend gave me and i didn't like them at all. i keep describing them to people as like, you know when you smoke a lot but you need to get straight so you just kind of shake it off and go about your business? you COULD NOT shake this high off. it was in my hands, my feet, my ears, my eyes, every fiber of my being. i couldn't move. it would be great if i was alone, and i had a lot of snacks and just wanted to waste a day alone, but that was not the case. i know he wanted to get naked and play, but i couldn't muster the energy for it. i made it up the stairs, and into bed where i promptly fell asleep. then today, i got up and wanted to get some fun in before he left, but the day started with being woken up by his asshole ex-wife who made him feel like shit for 90 minutes before i came down and made him get off the phone, then we were doing great and were in a good mood and were kissing and touching and the phone rang. it was his grandmother, saying, "can you be out of the house by the end of the week?" he said no because he's working 16 hour shifts all this week, so she says, "okay, but you need to have plans for the end of the month." he just finished moving the remainder of his things out of my house last week, and now they're all coming back. i told him he needs to get a job down here, really, because he doesn't even like it up there anymore. he refuses because of the imagined security, but really, you can only build so many commercial establishments in one state. it's going to dry up soon, and i think it's better to have a back up plan sooner rather than later. |