| profile entries archives refresh |
 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
maybe this time.
2010-10-08 @ 11:15 p.m.
i'm up at my mom's house til tomorrow or so. i thought i was meeting boy to collect his paperwork, but he won't be able to do that until tuesday, so i figured i'd come up here anyway and spend some time with my parents. we went out to dinner a couple of hours ago, which went okay. my mom and i have never really gotten along, and my stepdad and i tolerate each other at best, but they are my parents and i feel like one of us has to make the effort. if i left it up to my mom, i'd speak to her maybe twice a month, when she's in a bad mood and no one else answers the phone to receive her blame. if i left it up to my stepdad, i'd forget what his voice sounded like. my brother is so strange ... he was able to make the clean break. i don't know how he did it, how he has no guilt over it. actually, i do understand, when i really think about it. after they completely wrote him off and left him to me, he probably decided that he was done, and he is done, because he comes through here with the seasons, just blowing through and being on his way, and is okay with that. i came up here today because i miss my cats and my grandmother, and i'm probably lonely too. i always wanted a family but never really had one. my mom was never interested. my lack of a maternal instinct probably comes from her. but i come up here and try, and we try to do things together, like go out to dinner or go shopping or whatever, but it always ends in her and my stepdad fighting because they hate each other and refuse to get a divorce, or with her and i fighting and me getting so mad that i just stuff all of my shit into a bag and leave as soon as i wake up. it's always the same. i bought a house and moved over an hour away because i knew i couldn't take another minute of this. my brother started doing drugs to escape this life, and almost killed himself with heroin. and i'm back. i'm a glutton for punishment. i've always been a dreamer. i always imagine things will turn out differently than they always do, but it never happens. i've never been a "maybe this time" person, except for when it comes to my parents. it's hard to leave them alone up here, miserable and friendless and hating each other. i'm the funny one. i always think that maybe if i can come up here and make them laugh a couple of days, we can be normal. i can stop disappearing until the holidays. everyone's in a good mood right now. dinner was good. my mom and my stepdad aren't screaming at each other. maybe this time it'll be different. |