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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
my psychological issues.
2010-11-08 @ 12:11 p.m.
i know certain things about myself, or have learned certain things, or maybe they were just cemented and made real for me in my mind this weekend, but this is what they are: 1. i am a food addict. since i struggle with my weight, i know this personally, but it seems that other people see it too in my reactions to food and the way i talk about it. boyfriend has the same problems, but since he does hard labor 8 hours a day for work, and only usually eats once, he is able to maintain his weight for the most part. when he was laid off for 3 months last year, though, he gained about 25-30 lbs. i have a mostly sedentary lifestyle unless i actively choose to work out and watch my caloric intake, which i have been doing lately, so it's a little harder for me. i totally sabotaged myself this weekend because i was out for 2 days, eating at restaurants, and smoking way too much marijuana so i was hungrier than usual. i broke my glasses on friday, so on saturday boyfriend and i went to the mall to get me new ones (as i wrote about in the previous post). i ate my usual fiber bar in the morning with coffee, then at the mall we had johnny rocket's chocolate malts, then mexican for dinner (pork sopas with sour cream, chips and salsa, and a mole enchilada), then my cousin's amazing red velvet cake with homemade cream cheese icing and milk. sounds delicious, but i'm estimating about 2200 calories for the day, which is about 1.5x what i should be eating. then yesterday, i was at my mom's house so we could go shopping, so i had coffee and cream of wheat for breakfast, a mcrib combo for lunch with COKE (what was i thinking!?), and 2 small italian rolls with olive oil, a garden salad with half the dressing, 1/3 of a chicken francese, and a red velvet cupcake with a glass of milk for dessert. all of this sounds delicious, but again, it was probably twice the calories i should have eaten. the soda and soft drinks did me in yesterday, probably. but whatever it was, it was my fault for being irresponsible. but what made my food problem concrete was when boy and i were eating at the mexican place with my cousin and her friends. her friends were super lame, so we were kind of quiet, and the food was pretty good. she said, "you guys are like making love to your food over there!" and i realized, yeah, it kind of feels like that when i have a really good meal. and i don't know if that's a healthy attitude, or if i just need to learn to manage it somehow. food is a hobby as well as a pleasurable experience. i love to cook and explore flavors, and take great pleasure in tasting as well as the act of eating. when you're trying to watch your weight, all of the literature strongly discourages this. food as fuel only! it's frustrating. 2. i think i might have a slight bit of agoraphobia. definitely not social anxiety, because while i am an extreme introvert, and prefer to stay at home and be alone, i am not anxious in new or old social situations at all and am viewed as actually quite outgoing, personable, and confident by people i meet or know already. the problems arise when i get in serious traffic situations (up north, i start to freak out), in tight quarters at a store or wherever, or find myself in a really busy mall. as a result i find myself doing my grocery shopping really late at night, shopping online, or refusing to drive if i anticipate that it's going to be really congested or stressful. the boy noticed this recently when we were in a line at a store or something, and the people behind us were standing really close. you know when they don't give you your personal space and you can actually feel them brushing against you? that makes me freak out. i get fidgety, my hands start to shake, and i become extremely agitated and uncomfortable. i've never gotten to the point where i've had to ask someone to back off, because usually the line will be short enough or i will get out of it before i start feeling really crazy. he thought it was weird and didn't say anything at the time, but it's happened a few other times since, then this weekend we were in the mall near where we used to grow up and it was packed. i mean like you have to park at the highway and walk half a mile to the building packed. about 5 minutes into being inside, i was upset, and as we walked around trying to find where a particular restaurant was, he just said, "you're freaking out, aren't you." it was a comment, not a question, because i was clearly upset. i just looked up at him, and he said, "you can't wait to get out of here, can you." and i had to laugh, because he knows me so well that even the slightest change in my usually cheerful demeanor is obvious to him. i don't think i necessarily need to see a therapist about this at this point, but it's probably in my future when i have insurance again. i don't ever want to go on medication for depression and whatever else i have, but i do want to learn to manage my symptoms a little bit more effectively. |