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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
communication.
2011-01-30 @ 1:52 p.m.
he's grumpy as fuck this morning because he's trying to quit smoking for the millionth time. how many times have i typed that same exact sentence? i had just gotten out of bed and i'm asking what kind of coffee he wanted, and he's almost out the door. and i'm like uh i thought you were leaving in two hours? and he's like, "i'm bored out of my mind." and i asked, "did you get up really early?" and he said he had been "in and out since 1." and i was super confused, because he took a nap when he got home for like 3 hours, then directly after dinner fell asleep again and refused to come to bed so i just went without him. i remember hearing his alarm go off at 4:15am, and he wasn't in bed with me, so i just went back to sleep. then nasty attitude happened. so he called on his way up to see little A and told me he was sorry for his nasty attitude, and that he didn't mean anything by it, he's just grumpy because of not smoking. then, he kept talking about how he was "bored," but couldn't or wouldn't articulate what he wanted to be doing to alleviate the boredom. i kept asking, "do you want to go out? do you want to go somewhere? go to the movies? what do you want to do?" and he just kept saying, "i don't know, i don't know. let me think of a nice way to say what i'm trying to say. let me think about it." getting extremely frustrated, i told him to just tell me what it was, and he said that we don't have sex enough. and that he still wishes i was thinner. he said that 2 only has to do with 1 because he doesn't think i feel sexy, and honestly, i kind of don't sometimes. his bipolar behavior lately has made me feel really anxious. i know he's there, but when he's suddenly in a nasty mood about money or not smoking or his job or whatever, it makes me pull back a little. then the weight thing. i'm trying. i've lost 30 lbs since we first met. 30 lbs is a lot, but i know i could do better. and i want to do better, not just for him but for me too. i did make a point of telling him that i am trying to do it the safest way possible, by working out and watching more carefully what i eat. i told him that i could starve myself and lose 50 lbs in a couple months, but then i'll have like 20 lbs of extra skin chilling out. he was obviously horrified by that idea so i told him, you know, this shit takes time. and i know a lot of people would be horrified to read this, especially the people we know, especially other strong women, but i don't consider this a weakness. and i don't think he's a horrible person and i don't think he's emotionally abusive because this is an issue. people are attracted to certain things. i am overweight. i look amazing in everything, but how much more amazing will i look when i'm thinner? how many other stores can i shop in? this is something that i've been personally struggling with for years - it's not just for him. he also said, which made me laugh actually, that i'm too casual when it comes to sex. while it's great that i'm that way about everything else, it's not really "sexy," and when he did a reenactment, i had to chuckle and i totally understand what he means. he did this really manly gruff cowboy voice and said, "well you're kind of like, 'hey partner. let me grab that cock you got there. looks nice.'" and though i don't sound like i'm from the wild west in the early 1900s, i totally know i can come off that way, so i will try to stop doing that. so i told him thank you for being honest with me and telling me what it was instead of sitting around and holding it in and letting it build a wall between us. i can't stand not knowing, and walking around looking like a fucking idiot when there's some problem. he kind of didn't understand the thank you at first, but definitely said yeah, communication is key. he apologized for being shallow and making weight an issue, but he said that he wanted us to be happy "for the rest of our lives," and that we need to bring these things out in the open for that to happen. he said, "promise you won't ever tell anyone i ever said this, but this is the only thing keeping you from being the absolute perfect woman of my dreams." and for me? losing 50 lbs, struggling through these 6-8 months ... totally worth it for the rest of my life. health wise and love wise. i love him and he loves me. he tells me all the time. he's said that everything else is perfect. he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. i want him with me. i don't know why i'm making this so difficult. i think some of this (this being my lack of motivation) came from the fact that i wasn't sure where we were going. he had mentioned getting married and rings and all of that stuff, but i thought it was just talk, how people always do when they're in love. i've said before, i'm always second guessing. i'm never sure. i always expect the worst. but now i realize he's really serious. he wants me there in the snapshot of his life. i love him. love is not selfish, so i need to stop being selfish. i need to let go of my neuroses. my weight is like a comfort blanket, something i can control. well, here i am, letting go. giving myself to him. it will all be worth it. |