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 �what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux "i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes note random entry image credit design by : ilazarn ikmal powered by : diaryland |
in 2004.
2011-03-01 @ 12:22 p.m.
i went to high school with this guy and fell for him because all of our friends were the same and we were such similar personalities. i was covered in scars from when i used to cut myself (and still am), but he was able to look past all that. we made each other ridiculously happy for a while. but then, we started fighting about stupid things, and the fights happened more and more often. some of them were my fault, i will admit. i was young, moody, depressed. and so was he. so a lot of them were his fault as well. really stupid things. once, we went to old navy to buy clothes and i asked him to wait outside my dressing room so i could show him what i was trying on. i put on one thing and opened the door and he was gone. i gathered all my stuff and walked out and had to search the whole store for him. when i found him, i asked why the hell he wasn't there, and he responded "there was a woman in there giving me dirty looks." he always thought people were giving him "dirty looks." he was so insecure and ridiculous. i told him so, and that caused one of those crazy screaming blowout fights that you can't even believe. at least we waited til we were in the car. he always used to accuse me of not letting him hang out with his friends, who were our friends really, but he was imagining that because i never told him not to. i would simply ask him if he was coming over after i got off of work, he would tell me he either was or wasn't, and i would just say, "okay," or "oh, i thought you said you were coming over." either answer would result in him thinking that i was mad at him for wanting to hang out with his friends, then HE would decide not to go out with them despite me telling him over and over and over again that i didn't care. i went on the depo shot for him because condoms made him paranoid (just like everything in his life did), and i've known forever that i'd forget to take a pill. it wreaked havoc on my body. i gained a ton of weight, my periods disappeared, my sex drive disappeared too, then came back, and i started losing head hair and growing a little bit of facial hair. all to make him happy. but then he started complaining that i was fat. but so was he, as a result of working night shift at burger king. his solution? he quit his job and starved himself, and started running like 10 miles a day. i refused to do the same. it was unreasonable. and still, the fights never stopped. fight, break up for a day. make up the following night with promises of changing, being better for each other, doing something differently. but it was always the same, and the resentment burrowed a hole in my body and lived there. but by this point, 2 years had passed, and i had grown up a lot. i was confident. more sure of myself. i was out of community college, and in university. i was serious, but he never was. he never did figure out how to hold a job, or commit to a major, or take anything seriously, really. the other fights were stupid, but these were serious. my concern was getting out of school, getting real jobs, and moving in together/getting married. that had always been the plan, but he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. i suppose i wasn't holding mine up either, by losing weight, but i sort of felt like, why should i bother? really? for this person i know i don't have a future with? you know in your heart when you don't have a future with someone, and i knew it about us for a long time. anything i had to say about him anymore was negative. we couldn't stand each other most of the time, but i just didn't want to lose my best friend. most of our mutual friends had gone away to college. everything i owned and everyone i knew was tied into him somehow. i think that's why we stayed together so long, even though we were miserable. we just couldn't figure out what to do without each other. we started going to the same school, and he decided to live on campus. i lived off campus nearby in an apartment with my best friend. he made friends with the people in his dorm, and spent increasing amounts of time with them, as i did with my english/education department friends. things finally came to a head when he started hanging around with this girl. i didn't care, because i've never been the jealous type, but obviously i should have cared. it was 2 weeks after our 3 year anniversary. we were going to carpool home one day. i pulled into the parking lot at his building and he came out with all of his stuff and put it in my car. i went to kiss him hello and he was awkward. i said, "what's the matter?" and that's when he told me that i was fat, he was no longer attracted to me, and he wanted to break up. i said, "is there someone else?" and he said, "kind of. but we haven't done anything yet." i started to cry, and said, "where did this come from?" and he looked at me with such a lack of emotion and said, "stop crying. it's stupid. this has no effect on me." he wouldn't speak to me for 2 full weeks after that. when he finally did, he told me he just wanted space and he knew that telling me i was fat would hurt me and i would leave him alone and never forgive him. i couldn't believe that someone i loved, someone who knew how insecure i was about my weight, who knew how i was struggling with it, would say something like that. but he was right. i wrote this about it, that night:
and this, a week later:
and one more:
it kills me to read those things again. my heart aches a little. it took me months to recover. i think it took about 6 months before i would go out or do anything with anyone again. it was probably june or so. but that's when i started making things. i started creating. i channeled my sadness and depression and loneliness into creativity and started my DIY business, and from the start, it was wildly successful. had i not begun teaching right after that, i probably would have been able to make a modest living off of it. this is all to say, you know who you are and this entry is for you. it truly will get better. look at where i am now. when all this happened, i didn't ever think, not in a million years, that i would ever be capable of being normal again. but here i am. i saved all of the notes and emails we sent each other in the beginning, and sometimes i even look at them. it's amazing to remember how you felt about someone you've all but forgotten. not truly forgotten, as he's part of me forever, but i don't think about him anymore really. i wish things didn't turn out the way they did, but if they hadn't, i wouldn't be where i am right now. i think this is all necessary. so when true love comes along, you can really appreciate it. |