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�what is Man? a miserable little pile of secrets.� - andr� malraux

"i desire to live in peace and to continue the life i have begun under the motto, to live well you must live unseen." - rene descartes

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en route.
2011-04-20 @ 12:09 p.m.


i'll start from friday, i guess. boy was off, and it was a great day together.

the weekend was annoying. little A was being a real douche on friday night, and boy had to send him to bed early because he wouldn't listen and behave, so all night we were trying to chill out and he kept whimpering and crying and getting out of bed. his mother doesn't discipline him whatsoever, so boy always comes off looking like the bad guy. but really, it's so fucking annoying when you tell someone to do something, then they look right in your eyes and do whatever they want. adults and kids included in that statement.

then monday came, where we had no idea what we were doing, because it turned out that boy would be off then and tuesday as well. he ended up getting some loose ends tied up with his car insurance and the ex wife and all that, so he did that, then we went to lunch with my best friend. she had called on friday telling me she was depressed, so we went out to lunch and she told me that her ex (her kid's father) has kidney cancer. apparently he found out a week or so ago and didn't tell her until a couple days ago. she was pretty upset about it, but i honestly couldn't muster up enough care to be sympathetic. call me heartless, call me a douchebag, call me a bad friend or a bad person, i don't fucking care. but when you cheat on your wife with someone and you know it's wrong, then you get with that someone and act like a total fuck with them, then get them pregnant and abandon them to be an alcoholic, then when your child is born you fucking refuse to work or contribute to the household whatsoever and call it her fault, then finally fucking go to babysit your own child and leave him alone for 3 hours while you WALK 5 MILES TO THE LIQUOR STORE and drink your way back!? fuck you, man. you totally did it to yourself.

and then also, this same fucking best friend, while all of this is going on with the ex, she was meeting dudes on match.com because she can't be alone for 5 seconds. it's really pathetic. now i can call it what it is. anyway, so she's doing that, meets this guy, and one day after they've been together a couple weeks and have had multiple instances of unprotected sex, gets a call from his current girlfriend that he lives with. apparently the guy's real girlfriend noticed he was out a lot and was being generally shady, so she checked his phone and saw all of his texts to my friend, and another girl he was fucking as well. at first, best friend was like, never call me again, blah blah, and had resolved to just being single. then the guy tells my friend that no, that girl wasn't his girlfriend, it was his friend's sister who was just fucking around with him. AND MY FRIEND BELIEVED HIM!!! is she fucking retarded? seriously?

so all of that story is sort of necessary for you to understand that when this friend calls to say she's depressed, i can't really feel that bad for her, because she makes the worst decisions ever and totally knows it. i've known her my entire life, and lately i just feel like she doesn't want her life to ever make any sense, or be manageable. i think she's one of those people who must always be operating in crisis mode or she's not happy.

boy and i went home after that, just totally confused about like ... why. but we did some other errands, went back out, then came home and made dinner and watched harold and kumar. that got us totally hyped for white castle, especially this scene:

yesterday, boy really wanted to buy a motorcycle, so we decided to do a road trip up the western side of the state and a little bit of PA to check out the dealers that had the bikes he was interested in. he first wanted to stop at his storage unit to pick up his helmets, so we did that and headed out to find some lunch in the area, and what do we see but a white castle! it was just as delicious as the movie made me believe it would be. it was just so funny how terrible north jersey is though. there were no condiments, no music, no posters or ads inside, the bathroom was locked, and the employees were brusque and totally unfriendly. i was saying to boy, "they really mean business here." you just eat and get the hell out. but that's what we were doing anyway.

our journey continued, and we took this route that was the way my dad used to go when we would visit him as children. it was weird. as we drove, it was like seeing ghosts of the past, weird fragments of memories everywhere, especially because of the weather. it was drizzling, and everything was shrouded in this gray mist. it was the same feeling i had being at my mom's last week ... i felt like i'd traveled back in time, like i'd regressed.

we got to the first bike dealer and they'd sold the one that he wanted, and the guy was kind of like, "oh well, forgot to put a sold sign on it. sorry." the route to the next one took us through miles of beautiful, i mean really beautiful forest and farmland. he drove slowly so we could look at the houses, set back from the road deep in the trees, and we were talking about what we were going to do in the future, where we'd be, and all of that. it was wonderful.

at one point as he was driving, i mentioned how i liked houses that were sort of up on a hill, because i didn't like people looking in my windows. he said who the hell does that, and i said best friend does, actually. she told me that her favorite thing to do in the summer (back when we lived together in an apartment complex) was to wander around when it was just getting dark and look into people's windows. when she told me this, i was like wtf man, that's kind of creepy, and she said, well, they shouldn't have left them open. bf said, "so she just has no regard for other people's things? 'hey, fucked your husband. shouldn't have left him laying around!'" i looked at him very seriously and said, yeah, actually. that's exactly how it is. and he said, "i know, i know. this is why we do not joke about fucking [friend]."

at first in the relationship, he thought it was funny to joke about "servicing" her if her bf (ex i referred to earlier) wasn't putting out, and i told him it was funny if he joked about it with anyone but her. after he got to know her and her extremely questionable ethics a lot better, he realized that i was serious. it wasn't a jealousy issue. it was an issue of my best friend being a really shady bitch sometimes. why would i continue to be friends with her if i know she's like this? i'm sure you're asking yourself that. 1) i do not leave my [future] husband laying around. 2) if said future husband (or any guy i was dating, for that matter) did want to ruin the amazing relationship we had by fucking my extremely loose, regularly unfaithful (in her own relationships) friend who's had multiple STDs as a result of her indiscretions? he could go fuck himself, because he would no longer be fucking me. it's just what it is.

but really, the best part of that conversation was that boy was referring to himself as my husband. love him like crazy.

we came home and went back out to outback for dinner, where we chowed appetizers and had this for dessert. it was SO good! but there was this moment when we were eating, when i said some stupid thing, and he smiled at me, one of those smiles that just gave him away completely. it's the way you look at someone you love, when you really mean it. and after all that happened that day, all we'd talked about and all that remained unspoken, it was all i needed.

then we finally came back home for real. it was a long day. we were sitting on the couch, smoking our faces off, and he pushed the computer table away and just snapped his legs open. i said, "if you were a woman, you'd be such a whore." and he looked at me totally seriously and said, "you have NO idea. i'd be the whore that legends were made of." so i just stuck my hand in his pants. he always tells me he likes it when i just take what i want. i was giving him a blowjob and since i was crampy all day, i didn't want to take a chance having sex because we can be pretty rough, so i just decided to leave it at that. his favorite thing ever is to just lay back, smoke, and have his dick sucked, but apparently i'm way too good at it because he came and was like, "what the hell? that felt like it was only a minute!" i told him that i couldn't help that i am naturally talented, and he just said, "don't be sorry about that. it was fucking great."

now today, i'm all alone. he's back to work, with a really late night tonight, it's 80 degrees out, and i have a lot of stuff to do. it's amazing how much you can miss someone you see all the time.