yesterday i woke up and came downstairs and smiled at him and he said, "let's go to new hope!" and i said okay, and i was really excited, and he said, "well you said you wanted to just get up and do something fun, so i thought this would be fun." and i said yeah, and was kind of taken aback, but i thought i sounded surprised. so we sat there a moment and he said something about our time schedule, and that we'd go upstairs and get dressed and leave and then we'd have lunch and and and. and then "so are you excited? you really want to go?" and me saying, "yeah. yeah, i really am."

so we got dressed and i looked great (how nicely my clothes have been fitting!) and my hair was so cooperative. and i came downstairs and he told me i looked great, and we got in the car and went.

we smoked in the car, a lot, and a thick head and a comfortable silence worked its way around us and in between us like a blanket being shared. and on purpose, he got off the highway on the scenic route, and i put on my shades and it was like an old movie, the sepia tones and the little nips of sunshine popping in through the trees above us, and through the clouds that were absolutely perfect, you can't even imagine. and then this song came on:

which i had never heard before, but i loved, but it was so short! it went off and another came on and i said, "wow, i wish that song could have been 10 minutes long," with a smile, and he looked at me as he turned up the volume and said, "this song is you. is us. it makes me smile every time i hear it." and i smiled back at him and listened to this song for the first time:

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

It's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

and we didn't speak a word, but i just smiled at him and he smiled back, and i watched the perfect day fly by

we stopped at a flea market and i said, "if we didn't do another thing today, if we just turned around and went home, it would still be the perfect day." and he agreed, and we walked around and just the amazing tenderness, and how softly he speaks to me

we headed for main street, arriving and parking and it was packed, but everything was so beautiful. is so beautiful. we spoke often and excitedly of moving there, walking lazily, sweating freely, then decided to walk over to lambertville on a whim to see what kind of exotic local fare we could find. we went down a side street for a while until we thought we were lost but found a quaint little middle eastern restaurant. we ate and walked more, panting from the heat, but so deliriously happy

the day still felt like a dream

and continued so, until we got milkshakes and headed back home, speaking in sighs, talking about selling my house and moving and the future, and everything was just alright. just fine. nothing i can think of has been better.

so we came back home and changed and went out to dinner and i saw a good friend from former work, which was so nice. she said i looked great and i could honestly say, "thank you." then boy and i returned home and while i showered, he fell asleep, but it was okay. we don't have to have sex all the time, and sometimes i like it better that way. when i have to wait a little while, it's even better.

then this morning

i don't know why, but i came down from bed so late, but i was still warm hearted (smitten even) from the day before, and my hair still looked great and he smiled as i walked over to him, and in the morning we always just say, "hi." and i sat next to him, and we smoked a little and had coffee, and he made some passing remark about something, and i can't even remember how it got started, but one of his responses to something i said was a weird look and a snide grunt, and i didn't understand why he did that. so i asked him to explain and after forever of being confused and slightly upset, he finally explained that he wished i was more outwardly confident. he said he feels "intellectually dwarfed" by me, which i thought was funny because anyone who would say that in the first place is obviously pretty bright, but anyway, he can't understand why i'm just so insecure sometimes,

and i explained to him that i can't help it, knowing that i don't look exactly how he would like me to look makes me feel insecure, like i'm wearing clothes that fit me poorly but i can't take them off. and he said he understood that, and that he was "the t-shirt kid" in middle and high school because he was fat and had boobs and didn't ever ever ever take his shirt off, not even in the pool. and he said he was sorry for making me feel that way, but i could dress a little more girly sometimes, instead of covering up,

and i, with a shaky voice, explained that my whole body, my whole existence was always free for criticism and was always the butt of jokes growing up where i grew up. when you're one of two "different" kids in a small, rural farming town, the kids always want to know why you look like that or why your hair doesn't do the same thing or why this or why that.

and i told him, voice even shakier, about how i have those scars all over my legs from a long time ago, and i know he's seen them so he made a face at me because he doesn't think they're even a big deal at all, but i do. and he said, "why don't you do something to cover them up?" and i said, "that's why i'm getting my legs tattooed in june."

and this look of finally understanding washed over his face, again, just like the other night, and before he could say anything, i looked away and said,

"i know i said this last time, but i know i don't always say things. and i guess it's because i think i'm being silly, or maybe i just say them to myself, but i'm always afraid to tell you because you'll think i'm being stupid,"

and he said, "the only thing i think is stupid is having a question with no answer. and now i know the reason for so many things you do. and i understand." and again he told me something he was so embarrassed about when he was younger, and he went upstairs to go get dressed. and when he came down he put his arms around me in the kitchen and kissed my jaw and i told him thank you for listening to me, and he just said, "that's what i'm supposed to do."

and now it's now, and it feels good to have let someone inside a chamber of my heart.

2012-12-17: heavy.
2012-12-15: undertow.
2012-12-14: nothing new.
2012-12-11: so, how was it?
2012-12-06: sex and physical therapy don't mix.



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i am a horrible person. i'm insecure. i'm crass, i'm cruel. i love but i am heartless. i write these things so i never forget who i am. in here, i withhold nothing. i live my life with no filter. this is the ugly, honest, hurtful, barebones, truth. i am not right. i am contagious.

i am trying my hardest to be a better person.